3 year old and 1 year old not getting on

[Katiemoragismyname]

I have 2 dds, a just turned 3 year old and a 12 month old. The 12 month old has started crawling and cruising in the last month. She's suddenly very into everything, especially what the older one is doing. The 3 year old then gets really mad, doesn't want her taking her toys/pulling at her hair/ touching her etc and then she gets annoyed and shouts at her. The little one is desperate to be with her big sister but I'm worried the older one now seems to hate her (its only since she's been on the move)
I'm also struggling with things that they can both do. E.g. craft is good for DD1 but then Dd2 tries to join in and cries when I'm sitting with dd1. Soft play is good for both but I stay with dd2 in the baby area and then dd1 gets upset because I'm not with her. How do I manage 2 toddlers of different ages I suppose is what I'm asking. Anyone got any advice?

In a similar boat with not quite 1yo and 4.5 yo.

Found this link, might help www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/4-year-old-hitting-little-brother-sibling-rivalry

I've found dd2 enjoys scribbling with a felt tip. Thought shed be too young but helps her feel like she's joining in.

Toys on the table if worried about them being wrecked.

Thanks for the link, Yes I've been trying toys on the table too but im sure dd1 wants to purposely cause a fuss by insisting on playing on the floor where dd2 can reach and grab and then dd1 can complain about it. Grrr.

Anyone else?

I’ll have this age gap next year once dc2 is born I’m praying they get on, could u let dd1 take a doll to soft play with you take her baby on the slides and things in the baby bit so she’s with you but enjoying herself also

For the soft play, I just used to take the smaller one with me round the big bit if the older one wanted me to go with them and play.

I found ‘telling the baby off’ worked well for the older ones benefit. So ‘no DD2, they are DD1s toys, it’s not nice to snatch’ even if baby has no clue!

Sympathising with the older one can work too, so acknowledge that the baby is annoying/spoiling the game,etc, tell them ‘thank you for being patient/understanding’.

Thank you. Good advice. On reflection I think I might be trying to cater for both when actually the baby doesn't really care, maybe I should spend the time with dd1 and just have dd2 along with me. I think sympathising with dd1 will definitely help shes finding it tough but I worry she'll then think she can always not share/be mean/shout etc.

And yes a doll or teddy could work well too.

Hopefully once she realises you understand that it is annoying having a baby take your things/pull your hair,etc she won’t need to not share/be mean/shout. This is probably her way of communicating that she’s unhappy with the situation and often just acknowledging it can help.

I also promised my older ones that they only had to ask and I would always take the baby away if the baby was spoiling the game/taking the toys. It did reduce the shouting/screaming/risk of pushing the baby as they knew I would stop the baby before it got to that stage. They also seemed to play better with the baby as I think they felt safer knowing that they had a guaranteed removal if it got too much!

Thank you for the tips! I have done quite a bit of 'sympathising' today and I feel we have bonded again. There was less complaining from her. You are right, I think she just wants to be listened to and for me to understand that she is unhappy at the moment. Thank you!

I have a 3 and 1.5 yo so can sympathise! I’ve found the book How To Talk So Little Children Listen really helpful. This gives similar advice about sympathising with the child and giving them the vocabulary to express how they’re feeling. E.g. “It’s really annoying isn’t it when you’ve made a nice lego tower and DD2 comes and breaks it?” When DD1 has calmed down, you try to come up together with solutions to help them deal with the problem next time. E.g. you could give the baby another toy to play with, or put your lego on the table, of shout a magic word so mum can come and take the baby away. I’ve found this has helped reduce the amount of hitting and shouting by the older one. I also praise her when she does something to avoid a conflict - “That was a good idea, you ran away before the baby could pull your hair!”

For things that they both like doing - paddling pool or water play in the garden in the summer. Jumbo street chalk for drawing on the house (outside!) or drive also goes down well with both and gets washed off in the rain.

Thank you I'll check that book out! Chalk, good idea!

You’re welcome, glad it helped a bit anyway. Hope you’re getting on ok. I’ve not read the book but I do similar to chloe. ‘Thank you’ is usually quite effective too, so saying ‘thank you for being patient while I sort the baby’ (even if she’s not being particularly patient)-it seems to be much more effective than ‘please be patient while I sort the baby’.