Getting more and more paranoid about smothering DS whilst co-sleeping

[NineUnlikelyTales]

Can anyone reassure me that this is very unlikely to happen now that he is nearly 9 months? Despite co-sleeping with DS since 3 weeks, I have started to get a lot more paranoid that I am going to smother him, to the point that I am waking up several times a night to check he is still alive. I keep having dreams that he is dead next to me and I am waking him up checking he is still breathing.

DS sleeps very badly indeed by himself and I love co-sleeping..but this is starting to worry me during the day too now and I need to get a grip.

I did have a cousin who died of cot death at 3/4 months when I was very young, so I have always been aware of it. But the poor thing was in a cot in his own room and there were other risk factors we know about now that we didn't then. Rationally I know that DS isn't just going to lie there whilst I stick the pillow in his face, but he does have a habit of wanting to nestle into my pillow (which I sleep on the last 2" of only, so hardly any of it is near me).

Talk sense into me someone, please.

Hardly any of the pillow is near DS I mean

Can't quote any statistics, but would have thought it very, very unlikely at this stage. I did read that the risk of cot death peaks between 2 and 4 months as the baby's rate of breathing changes in this period. But I also had dreams of falling asleep bf ds and then waking up convinced I had smothered him inadvertently with a pillow. I know how awful it is.

If it is that worrying, have you considered trying him in a cot next to you? Ds is presently in our room and I can reach out and reassure him if he stirs, but it avoids the worry of him getting smothered. I wouldn't want him co-sleeping with us as (amongst other reasons) dh sleeps heavily and has at least a few glasses of wine every night.

I really think you extremely unlikely to smother a 9-month-old. He would soon let you know if you were interfering with his comfort (or, indeed, his airway). It's not like he's a newborn.

I realise that this sounds a bit pat, but have you spoken to the GP about your anxiety levels?

I used to worry about this too. I read that the risk increases if either parents smoke or have been drinking. I've also read that in some cultures it's natural for all babies and children to co-sleep. Maybe your memory of your cousin is making you feel even more anxious. Could you speak to your hv or gp to put your mind at rest?

I remember from when we first started co-sleeping the HV said the only danger is if one of you has been drinking heavily. I took this to mean if you're drunk and you roll on the baby it wouldn't necessarily wake you up and the baby might be suffocated.

Thanks everyone, it really helps.

At the moment we have a bedside cot arrangement and DS sleeps happily in that until I come to bed. But from then onwards he will hardly ever agree to sleep in it, which would solve the worry problem and we would both sleep better I think. He just wants to be snuggled next to me the whole night I have spoken to DH though and we will try this week to get him to sleep there for most of the night.

My anxiety levels....well I am quite an anxious person unfortunately, always have been, and it's just a case of where the anxiety manifests itself at any given time. There is definitely no point in speaking to the HV, I never see the same one twice and they get progressively more useless - I can just imagine the lecture when they find out we co-sleep (and vegetarian too - I'll probably be put on some sort of list). It doesn't seem serious enough to speak to the GP about though. Maybe if things don't settle down I will speak to him.

The funny thing is that I never worried when DS was tiny, when there was more of a risk. As you all say, instinctively I knew exactly where he was and I was. But now he can move about more he can get himself into less safe positions and I think that is why I worry more.

Anyway, thanks again for the reassurance.

Quick update - I slept loads better last night and think I only checked DS once so it obviously helped to get it off my chest. Thanks again