Nanny share child hitting and pinching my DS

[QueenAravisOfArchenland]

We share a nanny with another family with two children and have done so for some time. I am also currently on maternity leave with our DC2.

As a result of this, I've recently spent quite a lot of time with the kids and nanny and found that the younger one is constantly hitting and pinching my DS and pulling his hair. This morning I saw him jump on my DS's back, knocking him face first to the ground (deliberately and not as rough playing). My DS is 3.5, the other child is a little less than a year younger, but heavier and the same height.

I've spoken to our nanny, who is already watching them like a hawk and enforcing apologies etc, and she is speaking again to the other mum. What else can I do and does anyone have any ways to help stop the behaviour? So as not to drip feed, we are winding up the share within a month or two anyway for logistical reasons and relations between me and the other mum are not great for non-relevant backstory reasons.

I'm not blaming anyone, toddlers do go through these phases, but at this point it's clear to me that if this continues I can't let him spend every day in this environment. What do I ask my nanny and the other mum for? Do I suggest we wind up the share early (which would cost us a fair bit in taking on all the costs?) Do I have any teeth to say she keeps her son away if he doesn't stop hurting mine?

Depends does your DS just think its play and is unbothered by it/ over it within seconds or is he really distrested and scared about being near the other boy? If its the second one I would just be taking him out early.
Sounds like the nanny is doing the best she can already which should mean the hitting should really reduce anyway or even stop and theres nothing more the parents can do while their not there.

No, he gets really upset by it. He hates having his hair pulled and he spent the whole way home today saying "[X] wasn't nice to me today". But I would find it fairly irksome not to be able to use the nanny whose salary I am more than 50% paying because of the behaviour of another child.

Hopeful bump... Clearly I just need to start putting things in AIBU and giving them goady titles.

Hmm, so I would say even though the behaviour sounds horrifying it is fairly normal for a 2.5 year old. Don't blame the other child for the loss of money you'll face.

I'd ask the nanny to come up with a list of suggestions on what 'low risk' activities she could do and maybe send your son to her for half days?

I'd mention it to the other Mum but in the nicest way possible and ask her what she can do to tie things up sooner? I'd focus on getting the nanny to do a goodbye week of celebrations or a party for all the children focused on my child - your DS really deserves hapoy memories of their time together and I'd want my child to feel they are going out on a high rather than being bullied out. That's the 'win' I'd go for - a good ending for your own child.

Good suggestions, thanks. As it happens I'm feeling much relieved because the oldest child in the share is about to break up from school and the behaviour doesn't happen with them there, and by the time school is back in we're ending the share. I will keep an eye on the situation but if there is another incident like the knocking down I will pull my son out or significantly curtail his hours. I'm fortunate at least that due to being on mat leave I can do that.

I like the idea of a celebration as well and will talk to my nanny about organising one.

I guess what I was, and am, asking in practical terms is if people have any reasonable constructive suggestions for behaviour management/consequences I could suggest. Like I said, I know this is common toddler stuff - mine had a pushing phase - but you can't just let one child consistently hurt another, surely.

In all seriousness I would be looking for a new nanny/childminder. I know some of this behaviour is normal and I am sure the nanny is doing her best, but I would not be at all happy to be leaving my child in this situation on a regular basis. Its not fair on your poor Ds.

Spaghetti, the child will no longer be sharing with us in September, but our nanny is staying with us, so it is a short term problem.

Is the nanny not reprimanding the child for these behaviours? I know they are only little, but surely ‘No!’ and removal of them away from your son eventually would get the message through??

In which case, is there no way you can stop the nanny share now? I would take a financial hit over my child's well being. I do get a bit mummy tiger in these situations though! Feel a bit angry on your behalf that your DS has to put up with this.

I also can't see why the nanny can't tell the other child off. Time out or whatever, they are 2 years old and need to learn what's acceptable and what's not. You can't let a 2.5 year old lead your life!

If you cant stop the share timeouts might create a sense of justice for you DS. But I doubt they will stop the hitting.

The only thing that I think will stop the hitting is a proper telling off which I don't think is fair to put on the nanny...

The nanny is reprimanding the child and doesn't leave them alone together, but it's happening v frequently at the moment (multiple times an hour) and the knocking down incident bothered me a lot - I'm not willing to let that happen again even in the short term.

Timeouts are probably a good option to suggest to nanny and other mum. We haven't needed more than reprimands, distraction, removal etc in the past. Realistically I can't get the other family to shorten the share, so my only option would be to keep DS home until the date the share is ending. I have decided for myself that if there's another incident like the knocking to the ground that's what I will do, or if the hitting and hair-pulling seems to be really bothering him. It seems to be peculiar to the dynamic of just the two of them though, and from the end of this week the oldest child in the share will be there all day, which should help.

It's a tricky one because it's quite an intimate, almost sibling-esque relationship, but since they are not in fact siblings I don't have the authority to decide what the consequences are.