Help and advice needed, wwud.

[saphira1308]

Here goes I dropped my dd of at nursery this morning and have been taken aside and informed that some parents have said that there kids have told them that my dd has punched them. She is being seen by speech and language as her speech is behind and she not forming sentences very well for her age and they have informed us that she is at least a year and half behind in most of her developments which includes her sharing toys and stuff. My ex and I have had her annual nursery review a few weeks ago and nothing was said to us about this. We have been having problems where she is not listening or responding to people when they ask her something or ask/ tell her to do something and on few occasions she has hit a couple of kids but nursery staff has seen her doing that and had words with her like wise her dad and I have sat down with her and explained that she can't hit people as it's not nice and she has not done it since. Nursery have said they will keep an eye on her and have also let me know that they have never seen her punch any of the other kids, if this is true and she has been doing this shouldn't nursery of picked up on this as the nursery dd goes to is only a small one with limited number of kids and dd has never punched her dad or me and neither of us has ever seen her punching anyone else. Dd only goes to nursery 2 mornings a week. Any advice on how to deal with this and sorry its a long post

Firstly, if she’s ignoring you I would book an appointment at the GP and ask for her to be referred for a hearing test, just to rule out reduced hearing.

Children with speech delay can often get frustrated and hit. Has she seen a Spoech and Language Therapist saphira? If she isn’t currently seeing one, I would ask your GP for a referral for that too. Talking Point have some good resources that you can use to help her with speech here which you may find useful.

I would have expected the Nursery to tell you before if she’s hitting other children and staff. I would also have expected them to tell you about the delays she has in meeting what’s expected. You don’t say how old she is though in your post and some of what’s expected of Toddlers doesn’t come easily to them all. Have the Nursery gieven an explanation of why they’ve failed to communicate with you? What’s your general feeling about the Nursery?

If they do feel that she is not meeting her milestones and is roughly 18 months behind where she should be, I would also ask the GP for a referral to a Paeditrician. They will be able to assess her and hopefully find out what’s going on

Dd is 3 and half years old. Nursery had spotted that she was behind in her speech so they referred her to speech and language and they have taken on her case, they also referred dd to have her hearing tested and that came back as ok. Nursery has always let me know if she done anything she shouldn't have done and she did hit other kids couple of times but that got sorted out as I sat down with dd and explained that it's not nice to hit and that we don't do things like that since then she not hit anyone else. As dd only goes to nursery on tuesday and thursday mornings i assume that the parents complained on friday and nursery have let me know today soon as dropped dd of.From what I can gather some of the kids must have gone home on the thursday told there parents dd punched them and they complained when they went in the next day, thing is as dd has never punched anyone before and nursery have even said that they have never seen her punch anyone yes they have caught her hit couple of kids before and had word with her and let me know as soon as I picked her up. It was dd speech therapist who let me know that she up to 18months behind on most of her development I have let her speech therapist know about her not listening is worse and waiting for them to get back to me. There's been a development when went and picked dd up from nursery today they let me know straight away that she had pinched a couple of kids but that was addressed and that she did that cause the kids had pushed her around a bit so she pinched them, so wondering if they pushed her around before and she stood up for herself. When dd gets frustrated she tends to throw things and has a tantrum.

Hang on - you say she's never punched anyone but also the nursery told you last time she hit kids previously...?

Sorry but it's perfectly possible your DD has punched these kids, not being caught doesn't mean it didn't happen.

One of my DSs had speech and language delay, was also 18 months behind and ended up attending a special school for speech and language therapy - don't use this as an excuse for her behaviour

I suppose it doesn't really matter but are pinches and punches getting confused here?

thing is as dd has never punched anyone before and nursery have even said that they have never seen her punch anyone yes they have caught her hit couple of kids before and had word with her and let me know as soon as I picked her up.

This is a very confusing sentence - has she hit, or hasn't she?

Pittcue for me there is a difference between hitting and punching and the first time dd hit a kid was cause they hit her and the last time was cause she was pushed of a chair by another kid so she hit them after that I sat dd down and explained to her that it is not nice to hit people and that she must not do it again. Shesaid i'm honestly not trying to to excuse her behaviour I only mentioned about her speech and language delay as back story, soon as I got dd home I sat her down and explained that it is not nice to pinch or punch anyone and that she shouldn't do it again. Yes dd could of done this with out the nursery seeing but if she is doing this then it should have been picked up on as it is a very small nursery that doesn't have many place so they can give the kids more attention for 1 to 1 if needed. If it is that my dd is doing this then i will be taken action to see that it doesn't happen again. Toofle i'm not sure as when I picked dd up I spoke to another nursery staff who was incharge of her group that another worker let me no about the complaints from some mums and I asked her if they have caught her punching anyone and she told me that she knew nothing about the complaints so I honestly don't know whats going on so she going to find out whats going on and she let me know that she not seen dd punching anyone at all.

Pittcue to punch someone you use your fist and to hit someone you use the palm of your hand.

Riiiiight... well, I think you are clutching at straws here tbh and seems like your daughter may well have hit and/or punched and either is unacceptable, isn't it OP. Best thing is to stop expending energy defending or downplaying this, and instead try to make sure that your daughter stops hurting the other children...

Pittcue as I have already said I have had a word with my dd and explained to her that it is not nice and that I am waiting to hear back with the full details of what has acutualy happened especially when it has come to light that 2 kids today has been pushing my dd around. I asked for advice on what to do not have you making unhelpful comments.

Like others have said, both punching and hitting are unacceptable. If it was happening to my DC, I would be down on the Nursery like a tonne of bricks so I can totally understand the other parents complaining.

If the SLT say she’s 18 months behind, haven’t the Nursery mentioned anything about her not meeting expectation? Early Years education has probably changed since mine went but I’m sure they are still measured.

If her hearing is ok, hows her understanding? Do you think she’s meeting the Milestones for her age?

Are you thinking of booking an appointment with the GP?

This sounds hard - my first thought is that if she's 18m behind then she's functioning roughly at the level of a 2 year old. At this level I wouldn't expect her to understand or remember from a one off sit down talk so I would be hovering over her at all playdates, playpark, softplay etc to closely supervise and if any inappropriate behaviour to immediately remove her. Sounds weird that nursery are repeating secondhand accusations to you from the other parents but they should absolutely be dealing with the behaviour at nursery. I guess you need to make sure that you and nursery are using the same strategies so that she gets a consistent message. Good luck in dealing with it.

PS just reread this and it might not be clear that when I said 'remove her' I meant take her aside for a bit away from the playing rather than necessarily taking her straight home, though depending on the behaviour you might need to do that too. It does sound like you need more professional support with this though in view of her delays in speech etc. Also when you are supervising her with other children try to give positive instructions eg 'kind hands' rather than 'don't hit' - sounds a bit weird and woolly but I found it does change the dynamic for the better. I had issues with one of mine and his brother, it was really horrible for a while and I couldn't take my eyes off them even for a second when they were together, but he has improved a lot now with a consistent approach. I wish you well as it's not an easy situation - as the others said though, do listen to what the nursery are saying and try to work with them if you possibly can.

Please ignore my last post, I managed to post on the wrong thread

I wouldn’t concentrate too much on the difference between hitting and punching, to a lot of people they are the same thing.
I guess you have to ask yourself, why would the other children/parents make it up? I would make the assumption that she is hitting/punching and maybe it isn’t always being seen.

How are you today @saphira1308. Have you had time to think and to come up with a decision?

Hi Jilted, I have been giving a great deal of thought to the advice that people have been giving and have decided that as you suggested to get a referral for dd to see a peaditrician and that I will also request a referral for dd to get her hearing retested as well. Nursery was the ones who let me know that they suspect she is behind in her speech and language and asked if i agree to them referring dd to speech and language which I had agreed to straight away. As dd is at her dad's tonight he will be taking her to nursery tomorrow and as we didn't get much information about what had happened and what was said he will be asking for all the details. We do know that dd has been struggling in big groups as she finding it hard to focus and concentrate and gets distracted but as soon as she in smaller group she does better.
buffy, dd speech therapist has let me know that she is up to year and half behind and they mentioned that it includes her sharing and dd does have a problem with sharing and nursery, dd dad and I have all been working hard with her on this and I have had to sit down with dd and talk to her about listening to what people say or ask her to do and it looks like that hasn't worked and I dred picking dd up from nursery as I know that they will say she not been listening again and i'm struggling on this so it could be dd not able to understand. Both dd dad and I are now going to be keeping more of an eye out for her doing anything she shouldn't be doing while playing with her friends. As for nursery repeating secondhand accusations I thought that was normal thing for nursery to let parents know and am happy that they did as I would prefer to know about it so that can get to bottom of whats happened so that I can try and make sure that it never happens again as pp are right and I do understand that it is not appropriate behaviour.
Jilted, I

Jilted I've not long been logged in so I have not even seen the post you said to ignore as it had been deleted by the time I came on.

I think getting her hearing retested and a referral to a Paeditrician for assessment is the right thing to do OP. Let us know how you get on.

Jilted, got an update on what has exactly happened and turns out that I had misheard Toofle you where right it was a miss understanding and that it was pinching and not punching. I do know that pinching is still not acceptable so everyone involved is going to keep an eye on her.

Pinching would definitely make more sense but like buffy says, if she has got the understanding of a just 2 year old, a one off little chat simply won’t work. She needs constant supervision, whether she’s with you or at nursery and you and nursery need to both be tackling this the same way. Have they said what they do there if she misbehaves?

Did you find the Talking Point website useful at all?