Having one of those days today. Needing MN to reassure me! Sorry, just wanting to offload.
I love my 7 month LG so much. I have wanted a baby for over 10 years and now my dreams have cone true. But it's so hard being a mum and I can't help but having daily thoughts of 'I just want my old life back'.
My girl isn't as hard work as some, but still I find it tough.
For over 5 months she would only sleep on someone for naps and in my bed at night. For 6 weeks she woke up hourly to comfort feed and I got so depressed. So we sleep trained. It wasn't as bad as I thought and she rolled over onto her tummy and slept! I feel enormously guilty for it but started feelibg more human from sleep. She also looked better fir more sleep.So I think that was why she wouldn't sleep when we put her down before and once she could roll she could sleep how she wanted. After two weeks of really easy bedtimes, she started to either cry for a long time on being put down or wake after 45 minutes then cry for a while. We went through 4 weeks of checking and crying and I cried every night. Because of the heat and the fact she's a snacky breastfeeder I decided to feed her when her cries intensified. She would comfort suck and then when I put her down she'd sleep for 3,4 or even sometimes 5 hours. This week she had 2 nights of straight down and sleeping until 1-2 am again and life felt good. Last night we were back to the 45 minute wake up. I ended up feeding again. To be clear I don't want her to sleep through, she wakes 2-3 times for a good feednow and I'm happy.
Her naps vary. She has usually had a long nap of 1-2 hours in the morning, then a shorter 45 min to 1.5 one in the afternoon. I'm good about awake times and spotting her sleep cues and if she's had a shorter morning and afternoon nap I try and get her a third cat nap late afternoon as she can't get through until bed (7pm). But lately they are all over the place and yesterday she had a 30 min morning nap, 45 minute nap early afternoon then was tired at 3.30 so I put her down and she went for nearly 2 hours. I'm struggling with the unpredictableness to it all. I get anxious when we get to 45 minutes on a nap and watch the monitor intensely looking for signs of waking up. It's not the be all but I find putting off starting any jobs in the house because if she wakes early I can't finish them so I'm just watching tv which feels like a waste.
Back to her feeding, ever since birth she has always snacked on me throughout the day. 2-3 minutes here or there every 20 minutes, or a bit longer. Sometimes an hour or two could pass. Ges always been distracted by the slightest noise. I've started trying to feed in a quiet room and sing to her which helps massively but going out again is tricky as I can't feed in a coffee shop etc. And there's still no pattern to her feeds.
Her weight is ok, she's on the 25th percentile and despite a few blips is putting it on steadily but to me she looks such a slight little thing. My confidence in feeding is shot. I'd love to know how much she takes on. I'm always worried about supply. I've tried different express machines but I can never get anything out!
She's also pretty serious! Has belly laughed once and apart from me and her Dad and some relatives she regularly sees she doesn't give her smiles easily away. It sounds terrible but I just wish I got a bit more back. He doesnt babble much. She's always been an alert baby, never those sleepy kinds and is stimulated very easily. Her mobility is excelkent and we are nearly crawling. She rolled over early and ger gead control was almost from birth. Shes also been strong on her legs early. I find being out hard. I want to make sure she feels secure and not over stimulated. But she will not sleep for longer than 30 mins in either the pram or carseat so going out is a military operation and I'm constantly clock watching to make sure we're back home for naptime or bedtime if we aren't then she can be so grumpy and difficult to settle. I'd love to go to Wales on holiday but it's a 5 hour drive and there's no way we can go without her being upset. She doesn't transfer so I can't go overnight and let her sleep then even if she could sleep in the carseat. I've friends who went camping with there 5 month old but I can't imagine doing that! Any noise would wake her!
She gets bored easily in the pram too so we don't go out a lot.
Then there's the black cloud of work! I go back in two months. For the first month daddy is staying home with her then she'll go to nursery. I'm so worried about her. She's attached to my boob for comfort but I can't express. She's a light sleeper so God knows how they will settle her. We have to be quite quiet going to bed as she wakes up so easily. I dont want to have people over in the evening as dont want to be the one constantly shushing them! We couldnt have her window even on the latch during the heat as the road noise woke her. We are baby led weaning at the moment but at 9 months Im not expecting her to feed much. I'll have to give her formula but no idea if she'll take it.
I'm just feeling anxious about her wellbeing and development, and trapped but resenting feeling that way. I love her with everything I have but I only see hard work for the next few years due to housebound naps and sleep. I know it will get more enjoyable and I'm not depressed as I can see light, but it's such a long way off. I just thought it would settle soon but I have a bit feeling things like her sleeping through or us going out on day trips won't happen until she's 3 or 4 and that thought is horrible, but on the flip side I would do that to ensure her wellbeing. I'm just not sure what state I'll be in when we get there. My partner is so supportive but I'm not much fun as all I do is think of her. I'm also worried what state our relationship will be in! He always tells me we will be fine and we will get to the other side! Then there's the matter of another. I always wanted 2 and hate to think she would be an only child. But the thought of doing this again !!! I'm also not that far off 40 so can't really afford to gang around.
Is all this normal? Any similar mums out there, and who got to the other side and can reassure me?
Thank you x