To stop my young son becoming a domestic abuser like his father

[Whatiwishfor]

I worry a lot about my young son becoming like his father esp when he is older. His father left about 2 years ago, he was financially and emotionally abusive, he was very controlling and manipulative. My son would have only been 3ish when he left.
The divorce has been hellish and the children has been exposed to some degree of emotional abuse from their father, they have certainly witnesses the way he treats me and i strongly suspect they hear him slag me off.
Anyhow im concerned my son is a lovely lovely lad but hes also controlling and manipulative and will hit and kick on occasions. He will get in a mood and insist i pick something up from the floor or that i pass him a drink when hes next to it. He is very strong willed and things quickly tern to a screaming fit. Sometimes he listens well and other times he doesn't listen at all. Of course it could just be normal behaviour for his age but i didn't see it in my older child.
What have other people tried to manage this kind of behaviour? i feel hugely responsible for ensuring he doesn't grow up to be like his father, sometimes parenting his is just over whelming!

Anyone??

You’re already labelling your 5 year old as a potential domestic abuser... he’s 5, poor kid. Some of his behaviour is pretty standard for his age - you ignore or remind him how to ask nicely.

But whatever you do, don’t treat him as if he is his father. That behaviour is learned, he isn’t born like that.

Treat him as you want him to be, not how you fear he will become.

Oh come.off it Believeitornot. OP it is really clear you love your son and want the best for him. Have you had counselling for yourself?

What? Come off not treating her child as if he will become a domestic abuser? Why is that so ridiculous?

At the end of the day, the OP is the parent and how she treats him will set the course for his life. He’s only 5.

I hope you don't give in when he demands you pick something up or get him a drink? He mustn't learn that bad behaviour gets rewarded? And a screaming fit won't get him anywhere except sent up to his room! At least you got rid of the H!

Believeitornot
There is no need to feel sorry for my son, i am a good mother and he knows he is loved! I have protected and sheltered them from a lot, but not from it all unfortunately. I never said he was born that way just that he has been exposed to unpleasant behaviour and the belittling of me (his mother) So because of that he may consider this behaviour excectable. Not his fault, but my responsibility to ensure he knows right from wrong. He also doesn't have a strong male roll model something that some strong willed young boys need.
It takes a lot of strength to recognise and ask for help, esp regarding parenting!
I had some counselling at the beginning but couldn't afford it so had to stop, something that i may well take back up. I work with domestic abuse so its been very hard for me to admit that i didn't recognise it on my own door step!
I need some practical advise as i feel as if im going off track a bit and at times making his negative behaviour worse. I do praise him a lot and he is very lovable most of the time. But he swings/changes very quickly., esp when hes tired.
I often remove him and put him in his bedroom, but hes so quick to apologise and come back down stairs that he often doesn't mean it and then continues on about something else. Does anyone know of any good books?

No i dont give in and i do send him to his room until he can apologise. But hes too quick to apologise and his behaviour starts again (not always but sometimes).
Saying that i do need to be more consistent as there are occasions that i do give in, normally when im in a rush to get them to school or out the door.
I also wonder if i baby them a bit and if i expected and treated him older given them more responsibility eg getting their own school uniform on etc etc then i would may be gain more respect from him.

Personally I think you need to drop the fear of him becoming an abuser.

Do what you did with your other kids. When you see behaviour that you don't like, tackle it in an age appropriate way.

Worrying that you need to tackle this in case he becomes and abuser isn't going to help. Just tackle it like you usually would.

Agree with pp- you cant look at him as a potential abuser but instead there are some characteristics that you dont want to see. Continue to not give in when hes trying to be controlling and be consistent with it. More than likely he is just testing your boundaries. But you also should praise and reward him when he behaves in the correct way so he sees that it's better for him to be good than be naughty

Thank you thats good advise, i certainly dont want to label him! It all just gets a bit mixed up at times!

I think you sound incredibly switched on and very relfective , OP.
There is a great multi-purpose book called 'how to.talk so kids llisten, and.listen while you talk' or.vix
Ce.versa....