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Parenting

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Original poster

By DD friend is 7 and talks about sex... what do I do?

21 replies

EKSK · 12/07/2018 10:34

My daughter is in year 2 and there are only 9 girls in her class. She has been best friends with one girl since Reception who dominates her. My daughter is very sociable but this girls holders her back from socialising. The girl has a much older sister which this girl copies. In receptions class she was apparently telling other children "if you have a boy friend you kiss their privates". It has gone on like this, once I gave her a lift and heard her say "I am going to rip your face off and stab your mum" I have mentioned to the school I am not happy and I am concerned. I feel sorry for my daughter as she never gets asked to go for play dates at the other girls houses, I think she has been associated with this girl and people don't want to get involved (can't blame them). Anyway, so this girl came for a play date the other day at our house first time in months and kept talking about being naked with boys, making pretend phones and sending text messages with swear words in, they made pretend cigarettes and she also described a sex scene to my daughter. They are only 7 years old and I think its too much. What should I do? I have spoken to school and they haven't been very helpful. The teacher generally look at me with a confused look on her face and doesn't say anything. Sadly the headteacher recently passed away. I don't really want to speak to the girls mum about it as it may back fire on my daughter plus I feel like I am judging this Mum if I do. I am very concerned for this girls safety but school said they would speak to the mum. I followed up with them the other day and the teacher basically said the mum didn't know where she was hearing this stuff from and it was left there. I would love to get other peoples advice I haven't slept for weeks now with worry.

OP posts:

fruitbrewhaha · 12/07/2018 10:56

OP I have reported this thread as you've ended up in Chat/Ask me Anything. Perhaps it would be better in Parenting? or Education.

There are some wise mumnetters there.

I too would be very worried. I'm surprised the school are not taking it more seriously. I would arrange a meeting with the deputy head and head of safeguarding. Tell them they need to take this seriously. Does this girl have older siblings? Where is she learning this from? I'm not sure, someone may come along with better knowledge on this but this could be a sign she is being abused?

Either way they have a duty to safeguard your DD and the other children. Obviously some of this happened at home, but if she is this way at school, they are failing in their duty.

I would ask for your DD to be separated from this girl. Then do everything you can to encourage healthy friendships with other girls at school etc. Do you know other paretns. Talk to them, and say you your DDs to hang out. Invite them over. Playdates for kids after school, invite a couple of families for a BBQ at the weekend. Or a meet up in the park for a picnic.

Is there a Brownies pack near you? That's some healthy age appropriate guided play.

I would tell you DD this girl is inappropriate. Talk to her about what is ok and not ok. She may well feel uncomfortable about talking about sex with this girl anyway. Let her open up to you. Tell her she was wrong to go along with it etc, but with kindness.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/07/2018 10:58

sorry for typos!
say you would like your DDs to hang out.
You = your

etc.

MNHQ

AnyaMumsnet · 12/07/2018 11:17

We've had some reports for this thread to be moved to parenting, so we'll be moving it over shortly.

feathermucker · 12/07/2018 11:21

Red flags that she's displaying such sexualized behaviour. Is it possible to speak to the school?

Can you encourage your daughter's other friendships aswell with other playdates etc?

feathermucker · 12/07/2018 11:21

Sorry, read that you've spoken to a teacher. I'd be speaking to the safeguarding person.

lalaloopyhead · 12/07/2018 11:22

I would email the school putting your concerns in writing. A teacher friend advised me to do this when my dd was having problems with someone at school. In my dds case there were outlandish but violent threats and they had the parents in the same day as I sent the email.

The kind of language you have mentioned would almost trigger safe guarding procedures.

lalaloopyhead · 12/07/2018 11:23

*almost certainly

Original poster

EKSK · 12/07/2018 11:23

Thank you very much for your response. Its very useful. Its reassuring to hear your thoughts and not me over reacting. thank you.
I will post in Parenting as well.

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Original poster

EKSK · 12/07/2018 11:27

Just seen that my message will be moved. Thank you again.

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SilverHairedCat · 12/07/2018 11:28

Ask the school who their safeguarding person is and ask to speak to them. Otherwise, I'd call the NSPCC and discuss it with them. They may have better ideas.it is worrying though.

lalaloopyhead · 12/07/2018 11:31

The child in question was also a close friend of my DD which I know makes it difficult, but it shouldn't stop you addressing this and pushing more for the school to address it also.

It was the language used in my DD's case that concerned me as much as the upset it was causing and to be quiet honest I felt that I had a duty to the other child to put things on record too in case there was anything going on with them to make them behave in the way they did.

Also to reiterate, email the school instead of speaking (though you can obviously arrange to do that too) - if it in writing they can't ignore/fob you off.

LML83 · 12/07/2018 11:33

Tell your DD to distance herself from this child. Not to leave her out of group but not to play with her on her either. Explain you don't like the games/talk as it's too old for them.

octoberfarm · 12/07/2018 11:52

I'd also strongly recommend calling the NSPCC Helpline (0808 800 5000) to ask for advice - they will be able to give you some good guidance on who to approach/where to go next. Kids using this sort of language is a huge red flag for sexual abuse. Good for you for wanting to speak out

TheLittleFoxes · 12/07/2018 12:11

The school should have a designated child protection officer. I would speak to them and then keep your DD away from the other child until the issue has been resolved.

Original poster

EKSK · 12/07/2018 12:59

It is such a hard situation and hearing your views has really helped.
I have arranged a meeting on Monday with the Safeguarding person to make sure that what the teacher is doing is followed up properly. Like you said I will document it and I am going to print it off too so they can see in black and white what has been said.
I have asked in the past that they are kept separate but that hasn't happened. I have asked the teacher to speak to my DD today about games which are acceptable and what isn't acceptable games and to have a plan in place on how to say NO if she is pressured into these games again. I have said this to her, but I thought hearing it from the teacher could re-enforce it.
I am so reassured that all your responses are what I think too, but when I speak to the teacher she looks so blankly at me I feel like she thinks I am over-reacting. If this meeting on Monday feels the same way I will contact NSPCC for advice.

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SilverHairedCat · 12/07/2018 13:13

Maybe contact them before the meeting so your expectations of the school are already in line with correct guidance?

Original poster

EKSK · 12/07/2018 13:20

I am going to make sure this girl is helped.
But in terms of separating my daughter from her in the play ground. I would push for that if I could, but does any one know if realistically that could happen? I haven't pushed for it as I thought that they just wouldn't be able to enforce something like that.I would really like to, not to be unkind to this girl (as she does need a friend) but I think my daughter needs some breathing space. It does upset her.

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Original poster

EKSK · 12/07/2018 13:21

Yes true about Contacting before meeting. Good point.

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fruitbrewhaha · 18/07/2018 09:56

How did you get on? Are the school taking it more seriously? ere NSCPCC helpful?

fruitbrewhaha · 18/07/2018 09:57

I really need to preview before I post!

Original poster

EKSK · 18/07/2018 10:38

Hi Thank you for asking.
I called NSPCC and they were really helpful.
I also had a meeting with the School safe guarding officer who was great and taking it seriously. They are on the case with it.
In terms of my daughter hearing things from her, another child complained too, so the teacher had to have another chat with this girl. The Safe Guarding officer said she will chat with this girl to find out what's going and I suppose make sure there isn't anything urgent that looking into, but said she would need to have some ongoing 1-2-1 sessions with her to stop her talking about things at school. But can't really start anything ongoing until Sept. So can't really stop her talking about inappropriate things until these sessions start. It worries me sick sending my DD school every day. I am relieved this girl is in safe hands now but it hasn't really solved the issue of my DD hearing stuff. I think in sept with these sessions it will improve but they are still having their "secret chats" makes me feel sick as I don't know what she is still hearing. The teacher seems not to be monitoring them playing, even though I have asked that she does. I think my obvious concern has actually pushed them closer.

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