Newborn and 3 year old

[Dobbythesockelf]

I have a 2 week old ds who is a typical newborn. He feeds a lot (breastfeeding), I have a fast let down so feeds are difficult and he has trouble with wind.He doesn't sleep well anywhere but on me or dh but he's back at work now so it's just me.

I also have a 3 yr old dd who loves her new brother but is finding it hard to cope with someone else having mummies attention.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. Tonight dd didn't eat tea till nearly half 6 cause of feeding. She's cried and shouted. Bedtime took an hour. Then ds has been refusing to sleep for the last 2 hours. He's fed, burped and changed, not interested in latching on. Dh has taken him away for a bit to give me some space but I'm so tired. He's up every 2 hours all night, then dd is up and dh leaves for work. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope. How can I play with my dd if I'm stuck to ds for most of the day? I really enjoyed feeding dd but I'm finding it so much harder to feed ds, and look after dd. I can't just sit on my bum for hours, I need to get her dinner, drinks, help her in the bathroom, play with her etc. Any advice cause I feel like I might go insane trying to look after both of them.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. It's hard but it gets easier and you will get into a routine with things. I have an 11 week old who is EBF and a 3yr old. My 3 yr old is hard work, very attention seeking, obsessed with the word 'why' and not great with not having all the attention on him... but... he's learning. He knows I need to feed his little brother and I ask him to help, getting me a muslin, he pats his back to 'help' burp him, gets a nappy for me when i need to change him etc. When I'm feeding and he asks me for something, I just tell him that he has to wait. Sometimes he gets upset but usually now, he's okay with that as long as I do it as soon as the feed has ended. The hard thing about having more than 1 is that when my first would cry I could give him my full attention, now, that's not possible. If I have to put the baby down and stop feeding to go and put the oven on or sort something out for the 3 year old, then I do that. The 3 year old has to know that sometimes they will come first still and the baby needs to know that we can't always be there instantly. Ive sat there with the baby crying for me whilst I jug the 3 year old for ten minutes as that's what he needed at that time. It's so hard and breaks hour heart sometimes as you want to be able to split in two. With regards to the nights, I co-sleep with the baby and have just found that easier for breastfeeding. I know that's not for everyone though so just wanted to say what works for me. I hope things ease up for you soon x

Do you have a baby carrier or a sling? Baby can sleep on you and you can move around and have your hands free to make meals/ play etc if your baby won't sleep on his own, and he might go a bit longer between feeds. If DS1 wants attention while I'm breastfeeding I ask him to choose a book and bring it over and we snuggle together reading on the sofa while I feed DS2 - might be worth a try if your DD likes books too.

I'm going to have this problem soon, mine loves songs and dancing so I was going to try some songs while I'm feeding and dd can have a dance. I was also going to get dd a doll set so she can feed her baby at the same time or bath it etc. Has anyone tried these, any chance it'll work? I know she won't be satisfied with a book every time unfortunately.

Have thought of some extra things - when we cook a meal we cook extra and put a few little tupperware portions in the freezer for DS1 - then have a selection of meals in the freezer for him and can just get one out and microwave it so minimum time needed to make his dinner.
I also have a changing mat downstairs in the kitchen so when changing DS2, DS1 can run back and forth for attention and 'help' if he's in the mood to.
When possible during DS1's bedtime routine I also breastfeed DS2 - eg. sitting next to DS1 while he's on the toilet and we read a book, while helping him change into his pyjamas one handed, and while reading the bed time book. When I can't also feed DS2 eg. while brushing DS1's teeth and washing his hands etc DS2 sometimes has to cry a bit and I just keep things moving as fast as I can with DS1.
In the early weeks in particular I would get to the end of the day with the two of them feeling completely frazzled but these things have helped for me, and it's got a bit easier for now, now that DS2 age 14 weeks can be awake for slightly longer periods during the day. Just waiting for his 4 month sleep regression to hit now though!!

Ooh it is hard but I'm sure you're doing brilliantly. A few things will be different this time. The baby will have to get used to eating in 'courses' as you interrupt the feed to do something else. It's ok for one or the other of them to cry. I would say prioritise Dd's tea quite highly because a hungry toddler is a nightmare. Get out of the house - it may seem more difficult but it breaks the day up and crying is quieter outside.

It is hard but you can do it!!

I've survived a newborn and 3yo by using the free childcare (we're eligible for 30 hours). He gets to play with children his own age, I get 3 days a week where I've only got the baby to worry about. Because we have time apart, it's easier to cope with our days together.

It's slightly different for me, as the 3yo is the middle child so he's already used to sharing my attention. But I spent a lot of time in the early days getting him to help me cuddle the baby, stroke her, burp her bring toys to her. He used to get really upset when she cried, so I'd make an extra effort to cuddle him at the same time.

When I was feeding the baby, I'd get him to come and stroke her head, to 'help' her be calm and happy

And if she cried while I was cooking, she'd have to cry for a minute. When he got upset I'd tell him that he's been waiting very patiently for me to cook his dinner, and now it's baby's turn to wait. Also, I'd try and pre-make as much as I could e.g. chopping while baby slept, and 3yo would chop play doh alongside me.

I agree with PP, I try and fit her feeds into the older ones routine rather than disrupt the routine around the feeds. Even now at 5mo, I feed when the opportunity arises rather than always wait until she's hungry! I feed while I'm eating breakfast so I can have half an hour to make packed lunches for school/nursery.

Also, I am more shouty than I've ever been before! The adjustment is so hard at this age, so be prepared for months of feeling frazzled. DS is 3.6 now, Dd2 is 5mo, and now she's getting more mobile he's finding more and more things to do with her. You'll get there!

I would add that it's ok to prioritise what's easiest for you. Obvs not a spa weekend 😁 but stop worrying about what you OUGHT to do and focus on what you can do - so too much TV, junky tea, a bit of dirt etc is ok for a while. You don't get a baby brother every day!

I used to get it set up so I could read Ds stories / draw with him while feeding DD. I'd cuddle him with one arm, he'd hold the story or drawing, and I'd hold DD with the other arm (we used the library as a source of lots of different stories). You can also do pretend play e.g. with farm animals one handed.

In between feeds DD lived in the sling as she was a miserable baby. I also used to try to go out to do something (mostly playgroups) every day as they helped keep DS entertained.

I also used to try and anticipate hunger - so before taking DD out the sling to feed her I'd get DS a snack if the timing meant he would probably get hungry during the feed (ideally breadsticks, crackers or fruit).

I also used to heavily rely on the electronic babysitter (TV) - it wasn't a problem cutting it down again as things started to get easier.

It’s hard! My DD is 9 months now and I’d say it got a lot easier from when she was around 6 months and could sit in the highchair with food. Now she’s mobile so it’s new challenges!

Like everyone has said it’s all about timing. I mostly prioritized the toddler and kept to his routine as much as possible, and fed the baby when convenient for me rather than wait for her to be really hungry. Also simple toddler meals that can literally just go in the microwave or the oven. My DS ate a lot of fish fingers. He usually eats dinner around 5.30, but any time after 4.30 if I saw a window then I’d give it to him because that was the hardest time of day with the baby. And yes there were lots of times when the baby just had to cry because I was dealing with the toddler. And times where I just threw the iPad and a snack at the toddler and legged it to deal with the baby.

Get out of the house as much as possible. It’s a challenge, but anything that entertains and tires out the older one and you can just sit with the baby.

I basically cried to DH and told him he had to come home by toddler bedtime every day. Fortunately he did mostly. If he couldn’t then I usually fed the baby while doing story time etc or utilized the swing. But yes we had some good days and some not so good