I'm a bad mum and a selfish person

[Stormyisland]

Up until this year I already thought I was a really lovely, good mum to my children who all totally adore me (dd8, ds5, ds2). This year I've somehow lost the plot and become a total monster. I had a really bad but short depressive episode earlier this year. I feel like I've not totally recovered but I can't say I'm depressed either. I'm fine when I'm at work. I maybe struggle to concentrate and make decisions a bit but can happily have banter and a bit of a laugh with colleagues and genuinely feel quote cheerful. As soon as I'm alone whether at work, in the car or at home I feel awful. Like I really don't know what the point is. In life. In anything. If everything goes smoothly I'm fine but the slightly thing will send me into rage. I've just shouted at my poor kids again because after forty minutes of singing songs and back scratching they were still demanding more and all starts crying hysterically when I shouted. I slapped my youngest one on the arm a couple of days ago when he'd broken a plate on purpose and was trying to smash another one. The kids have asked DH why I'm always grumpy.

I never used to get grumpy or angry. I just didn't have it in me. I've always been the co-sleeping, den building, book reading, cuddly mummy who has an endless amount of patience for everyone no matter what the situation is like. I took pride in that. That I could be the safe and calm place for my children in their storms. And now I'm the unpredictable monster who stares at her phone instead of playing with the children (not everyday and I'm probably being negative, I do play with them before and after work every day) and starts shouting as soon as there's any difficult behaviour from the kids.

I'm just so tires of being a mum. I work part-time and love my job. Until now I've felt like I've had the best of both worlds but now I dread the days at home. I just don't feel like I've got anything left to give to my kids. They've sucked everything's out of me and still I should be available for them 24/7. My eldest told me I shouldn't have had kids if I wanted to have time to make everyday. I feel so guilty. I had a love childhoods but am ruining my children's childhoods and their chance of becoming well balance, happy, confident people. I'm up and down like yoyo. Saturday I wanted to kill myself. Sunday life was suddenly good again. Now I'm free like there's no way out again and wish I could be dead. Feel so sorry for my kids.

Ok, you should obviously be wary of people making diagnosis on the internet, there is no substitute for proper medical advice, however your post to me screams that you are actually still very depressed my lovely. I have had some very similar feelings myself. It might not feel the same as it has before, but depression is very rarely constant, it evolves and changes with your circumstances and as you change. It is also insidious. It creeps up on you and tells you horrible things about yourself. These things are really not true, depression lies, exaggerates and manipulates you into being miserable. It's also very possible to be depressed and still have moments of joy, happiness and laughter. My depression often manifests as a very short temper and intense rage, and it's very different at the moment to what I've experienced in the past, but it is depression all the same, often with a handy helping of anxiety and self doubt too.

Obviously this is just one perspective, but I'd very strongly encourage you to go and see your gp, and tell them everything you've written here. Be completely honest with them and ask for some help. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for a bit of support. Try and talk to your husband too, sometimes sharing is a huge step towards feeling better, or at least in learning to spot what sets off your depression, and figuring out to manage it. I can't urge you strongly enough, see your doctor, and ask for help, you really don't need to feel like you do, there are ways to get better. And most of all try and be kind to yourself. It's not easy.

Everything already said. And please remember to look after yourself - you can't give anything to your kids if you have nothing else. You have to be a bit selfish and practice some self care - doesn't have to be expensive - just a walk on your own, or an undisturbed bath - but something that is for you as you and not "mum".
Incidentally - I read your post thinking you could be me. Even down to children's ages...

Children are very draining and completely egotistical. Even the kindest child sees the world from their point if view

I completely relate to your comment about them 'sucking the life out of you' I feel the same and only have two children 13 & 10.

My point is parenting is hard , learn to be 'good enough' you don't need to be perfect. It's ok for kids to see you cross, if you explain whats making you feel like it (within reason).

A GP appointment may be worthwhile but time for you will also probably help too.

Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves

Good advice on here stormy. I've been where you are and you're not alone 🌺.

Thanks so much everyone. It feels like a massive thing just to read kind and supportive comments. My own head is constant telling me what an awful parent I am and how I'm ruining their life.

I'm already in therapy trying to sort out a mild eating disorder, anxiety problem and this mood issue whatever it is. I booked an appointment with my (lovely and very understandable and supportive) gp to start meds when I was rummaging through the cellar to find a rope to hang myself with last week. Then I had a couple of better days again and was close to canceling the appointment today thinking I can't be depressed when I have happy moments too. I keep on thinking this must all just mean I am immature and selfish and should just think about my family and pull myself together. I think I'll keep the appointment though. I've booked a couple of days off in the next course of weeks and am planning to go off alone and do things in used to enjoy. DH has been really supportive and thinks it's understandable when kids are quite hard work and there's never a break.