How do you deal with unacceptable behaviour from a 2 year old?

[HeyDolly]

DD has recently turned 2 and as if on cue bad behaviour has begun. I had an embarrassing morning today at the shops where anytime anyone so much as looked in her direction she shouted ‘No!No!’ repeat x infinity at them with a really angry face. She was rude and obnoxious to every shop assistant we encountered and for the first time I felt embarrassed by her behaviour.

Not to mention running around the shops like they were a play ground and throwing a massive tantrum on the floor with hysterical crying every time I told her to stop.

Is this normal? I felt that any observer looking on would think that she was an undisciplined little shite!

How do I address this behaviour? I told her not to be so rude to people and to say sorry (she didn’t) and took her home. She’s just thrown her plastic toy tea pot at me.

Is this what they mean by the terrible twos? How the feck do you teach a toddler the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour?

She’s only been 2 for a few days not sure I can cope with another year of this 😄

Unfortunately sounds normal, do your best to ignore bad behavior/tantrums, don't give it any attention. If she's likely to do damage or hurt herself or others make it clear it's unacceptable, give a warning and if/when that fails follow through by removing the toy or removing yourself so the 'game' cannot continue and she knows your serious. Do your best to reinforce ANY positive behavior she does do. Maybe suggest she can hand the coins over to pay for small things in shops . All you can do with the running in shops is strap them to a pram or trolley whenever they do it, they'll get the idea (eventually) that if they're good and want to help mum they get to walk, if not it's the pram. (We used reins for a while but once they learn to swing on them it's as bad as the running).

Sounds very typical of toddlers - if you meet other parents with kids that age, ask them 😀 .

She is too little to understand about being rude, but of course you can model polite behaviour and remind her about please and thank you, without worrying too much. Running round in shops is normal - obv you have to prevent her being unsafe or a nuisance, but it is something most toddlers like to do.

All sounds normal! Unfortunately she has no idea what 'acceptable' behaviour is, you have to model it.

When she shouts 'NoNoNo!' at random strangers () I'd just correct her with a simple, "Say Hello and smile", then say hello myself and praise her when she does it.

Try putting her in the trolley seat to stop the running wild in the supermarket. Ignore any screaming that ensues (easier said than done I know). Do a bit of role play about how to speak to people, use her toys to do this. Remind her before you go out about how you would like her to behave.
And you may agree or disagree with this, but I promised rewards for good behaviour and consequences for poor. Just simple things like an ice cream at the park or straight home with no stopping at the park.

All normal.

I find muttered swearing helps :)

She's two! So everywhere looks like a playground to her - how would she know differently? It will take a while (and a lot of reminders) for her to absorb that there are some places that are for running round in and others that are not. And even after she realises that, it will be a good while before she has enough self control/ability to distract herself to resist the powerful urge to run. And the tantrums are a natural response to the frustration of trying to get some control over a world that is desperately confusing and where she has virtually no freedom to decide what to do.

Of course, while it's entirely normal and understandable that she wants to cause havoc, you obviously can't let her run riot. Online shopping is your friend, and you can then add in the occasional 5 minute top-up shop as a bite-size introduction to how she needs to behave in shops. If that's not possible, you can try explaining what will be expected of her before going in, letting her have a good run around beforehand, helping her keep busy/engaged etc. Don't even try going into supermarkets etc if she's tired or hungry. Be ready to calmly remove yourselves from the situation if needed.

On tantrums, yes to never giving in but I disagree with ignoring - stay calm, stay present and help her deal with the emotions (the website ahaparenting.com has some great tips on this). My biggest tip is never to say no unless it's important enough that you'll stick with it in the face of any and all behaviour from the child - it's too easy to get into a pattern of saying no to trivial things because it's a nuisance, then giving in because it's trivial, so "no" becomes meaningless.

Good luck. Toddlers are amazing, but they will press every button you knew about and many you didn't know you had.

How the feck do you teach a toddler the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour?

You don't really have to teach it, just model it. I think people get to hung up on naughty corners and whatnot. I'd have just told her that she was being naughty and led her out of the store. You don't need to worry about the feelings of the adults around the situation, anyone who worries about the opinions of a two year old is beyond reason.

You could say shush about the shouting and maybe take them out of the shop, but another way is to just start talking or singing to them to get them to use their voice in another way. For tantrums at this age I tried to empathise (and maybe take them out if loud) but mainly pre empt- so don't give freedom to run around but use buggy/trolley seat.

Sometimes you can channel their energy by giving them a challenge e.g. find the potatoes.

It's very much giving them little leeway to display undesirable behaviour, and trying to encourage replacement behaviours which are better. It is very exhausting and doesn't really get better until they are about 4 or 5! But you get better at handling it.

Take snacks and toys to get out of your bag as a distraction if she starts getting bored/fed up while you're out, also if they're in an angry/frustrated mood then with DD2 tickling and peekaboo tend to get her to laugh and snap out of it. Didn't work with DD1 just had to be a quick as possible when she started getting in a strop!

Looking at my responseI sound like one of those parents that couldn't give a stuff about their kids behaviour.

Fwiw, I think that - in the long run - most behaviour is just learned though modelling. When reason kicks in you can talk things through and negotiate. At two, I think disaster management, whichever way you find that easiest is best. (Ignoring, distraction and bribery)

Avoid, distract and remove. Endlessly. This means when you are out your attention is almost all directed at your child. She is not old enough to learn "good" behaviour yet.
In shops keep her in the pushchair or trolley and talk to her all the time.
As she gets older the tantrums will get worse. Ignore, walk away and don't give on to demands. Then big hugs when she calms down.

My 2 year old DS is a nightmare. He can be cuddly and fun one minute and turn into a biting scratching screaming arse hole seconds later. I for one cannot wait for this phase to be over.
It's hard but try to always stay calm and reinforce that you are in charge by being firm.

Mine had such a tantrum in public once that I decided to put him back in his buggy. A stranger actually came over and asked if I'd like help restraining him as he was kicking off so badly.

Last week I put a nice pair of new shoes on him. He had a tantrum as he didn't want them and kicked me so hard he snapped my toenail in half.

I'd like to say it passes quickly but my DS is 2.5 and still as bad. The fact he isn't talking yet doesn't help but he is very strong willed. I feel your pain

Avoid, distract and remove. Endlessly

THIS. For the next year or two it is your job to see to it that she doesn't get to annoy or disturb other people. Plan every outing so that you can keep her under physical control, whether using reins or strapping her in the trolley. When you arrive in a situation where she might start playing up, like stepping onto the bus or joining the queue in the supermarket or walking into a cafe, start telling her a story or engaging her in conversation just before you get there. Give her little jobs to do if appropriate, prepare stories or conversations in advance. Think ahead.

Eventually she will get the message.

What you cannot do is to give her a highly generalised message (don't be so rude) that has a wealth of associations for you but not as yet for her, and then expect her not only to understand it but to remember it and have the self control (and the wish!) to observe it forever after.

Thanks all. Her behaviour has got progressively worse as the day has gone on culminating in her refusing to eat any dinner when she normally is a v good eater.

Probably not helped by the fact that I’m 20 weeks pregnant with DC2 and feel like I’m a bit of a shit parent with no idea how to handle things. Tomorrow is a new day so hopefully things will feel a bit brighter!

One thing I was told (too late for ds1, but I need to remember for 2) is that at this age their brains have developed much faster than their bodies. So everything is just a massive frustration to them, they want to do things but just physically can't. I agree with the with the avoid distract and remove thing too but don't forget it's hard being two, it must drive them nuts (let alone us)

Could she be coming down with a cold or something?

There is a great book which is pretty much my parenting bible called how to tall so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. There's a version specifically written for toddlers, actually by the daughter of the original (if that isn't a glowing enough endorsement!) Called how to talk so little kids will listen. It's brilliant. Pick up a second hand copy.

Will have a look for that book Bertie, thanks.