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Original poster

How often should Dad see his daughter if lives 100miles away?

22 replies

Ashleebarnet · 08/07/2018 20:45

Hello,
We have recently separated. Background is We moved to where his family were and became pregnant after 2 months. Our daughter is now 2 years old and we have separated leaving me to move back near my family which is now 100 miles away from him.
He wants to see her every weekend which I think is fair although after 3 weeks of doing a mix off one of us doing the whole journey (2-3 hours depending on traffic one way) or meeting in the middle for a switch on a Friday evening and a Sunday evening I feel this is too much for my little girl.
I am worried that she's on the M25 too often which is mind numbing for her as well as the fact that it is a dangerous motorway.
I want her to have a close relationship with her dad, my perfect would be every other weekend but I understand that he can't accept that.
What's the answer? What's the right thing to do by her and what would mediation/ the courts suggest?

OP posts:

Phillipa12 · 08/07/2018 20:53

I moved 200 miles away from my ex, like you i moved back home for support. The dc see their dad every other weekend, friday pm to sunday pm, we meet at a mutually convenient location halfway for both drop off and collection. Dc were 7, 2 and 1 when we moved. The journey eow is tiring for them, esp the little two who are now 4 and 3, he does also see them for a week at xmas, extra at easter and a week in the summer, i offer more but he would rather use annual leave for personal holidays!

mumofone100 · 08/07/2018 20:58

It's frustrating that he won't accept every other weekend because I think that's the right thing to do. Most dads would see them in the week if that was the arrangement but he doesn't live close enough to pop over.
We are in a nice situation as far as he wants to see his daughter as much as possible(he's even suggested taking every other Friday off work to have longer with her) but will not go a weekend without seeing her.

llangennith · 08/07/2018 21:00

Every weekend is too much for your DD and you can say no in the certain knowledge that no court would give him access every single weekend. When would she spend time with you in her own home?

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mumofone100 · 08/07/2018 21:11

Would the courts not let him see her every weekend, that's comforting to know.
She doesn't go to nursery or school yet so we get 5 fun packed days together but I worry the weekend is too much for her. Certainly when she's at school or at nursery we discussed every other weekend because that's then not fair on me.

I'm waiting now for her to come home, he's driving her now whilst she's sleeping, but it's late for her to get home and of course she is so excited to see me when arrives is then awake for an hour with excitement before back to sleep, such a disturbance isn't it

BewareOfDragons · 08/07/2018 21:16

Tell him it's going to be EOW.

What's going to happen when she starts school? She'll miss everything with her friends, parties, playdates, etc. And you'll miss out on the 'fun' weekends with her, rather than just the slog of school, homework and bedtimes during the week. You're entitled to enjoying weekends with her, too.

mumofone100 · 08/07/2018 21:27

Yes it will be EOW when she goes to school, it's just sorting out arrangements now because she's not at nursery/ school yet and what the right thing to do is by her having a close relationship with her dad.

I have her a full 5 days and he has her a full 2 every week currently but it's the journey to him that's awful for her.

Can I suggest he stays in a hotel every other week so she's not travelling each weekend? He will not agree to EOW whilst she's not away from me during the week

Ginger1982 · 08/07/2018 21:45

Name change fail OP!

Do you both work?

mumofone100 · 08/07/2018 21:58

I don't work at the moment as recently moved, was working evenings when with him.
He workings daytime Monday - Friday

I will find a small job that suits our arrangements. So will work when daughter is with him. Or evenings again when she's sleeping and parents babysit

mumofone100 · 08/07/2018 21:59

Yes name change fail!!!!

Ginger1982 · 08/07/2018 22:05

I only asked in case he didn't work full time and could maybe see her during the week or have a shared care type arrangement.

Newsofas · 08/07/2018 22:06

I think whilst you are not working and your DD is not at nursery every weekend is reasonable for dad to have daughter. You have her 5 days he has her 2. When she starts school then it will obviously need to change. To be fair you are the one that has moved your DD 100 miles away from her dad so you are the one that has put her in this situation of being in a car for many hours. I appreciate you have moved for family help but if this was a post saying the dad had moved 100 miles away we wouldn’t be so sympathetic.

mumofone100 · 08/07/2018 23:07

Yes I understand that. I moved originally so it would be more helpful for him so wasn't commuting to London every day for work and was near his family in London then fell pregnant 2 months later. So we were living near mine before she was born. But I guess that's not the point.

bionicnemonic · 08/07/2018 23:17

Don’t forget they can chat on skype every evening too

mumofone100 · 08/07/2018 23:55

Is it acceptable to say to him to stay in a hotel near us every other weekend and the other weekend she travels to him with us sharing the journey?
Just so that she isn't doing it every weekend but they get to see each other?
What's fair on both of them

Muddlingalongalone · 09/07/2018 00:02

I think it's difficult because you moved away (although for totally understandable reasons)
Exh moved 130 miles away when wd split. He drives down for the day 1 x per fortnight, we FaceTime 2 or 3x per week on fixed days but dd's can ft on other days if they want.
They go to his for 1/2 Of each half term/school holiday.
We've talked about weekends & both think it is the children's best interests not to travel that far EoW because he works f-t so earliest he could pick up on a Friday is about 6pm and the quality time is barely more than a full day at home.
We will revisit as they get older and stronger and journey not as tough but for now no way & wouldn't entertain every weekend, especially once they are at school.

crimsonlake · 09/07/2018 07:59

I can see that you were the one who chose to move 100 miles away and I understand your reasoning. However surely you must have thought about the repercussions of this and the travelling before you did so? Not sure what the solution is.

llangennith · 09/07/2018 11:11

The issue isn’t that the op moved 100 miles away, it’s the child having to travel so far every weekend.

mumofone100 · 09/07/2018 11:23

Yes, I didn't have a choice other than to move away from what was a toxic environment for her if us being under the same roof....But now what's the solution as he is a great dad although I worry it's too much for her yet Dad isn't wanting to let go of her for a weekend which I do understand. I couldn't go that long without her either.
I think, suggest him travel down EOW and stay in a hotel if he wants or just for the day.

What happens if he says no though? Who gets what they want?!
Who is suggesting the best thing for our daughter, I think it's me but I'm sure he thinks it's him!

mumofone100 · 09/07/2018 11:26

....so....
EOW he travels down
And EOW we travel up(splitting journey)

Then he sees her every week but she's not so exhausted.

Is that fair? But what if he doesn't agree? What then? I don't want to deny him seeing her that's not my intention- I just want what's best for her

waterrat · 09/07/2018 12:29

To be fair OP - if he, the dad, wants to see her every week I do think you should look on that as important and positive. I can understand why you moved - but imagine how you would feel only seeing her every two weeks.

I think if you can facilitate him / help him stay nearby that is a fair deal. It is a very long journey for a little one. But - if you get 5 days a week with her its a bit harsh to reduce his contact to once a fortnight isn't it?

I would also hate my kids to be on the M25 - is there any way he could do the train sometimes so they have fun on the train together as part of the travel?

Or do a midweek on the week he isn't seeing her? Could he have a day with her as she isn't at school yet?

It might help if you approach him collaboratively - so you say - would you consider giving it a go at staying near here once a fortnight so that she travels less? that way you aren't just demanding he reduces contact.

Matilda1981 · 09/07/2018 12:36

You need to set a precedent now that it’s EOW - when she starts school you do not want to be going every weekend BUT if she has been swing her dad every weekend up until she goes to school a court may rule that this should carry on. My ex lives 160 miles away and see’s the girls every other weekend and half the holidays. We choose to do one journey each (I take them, he drops them off) as this is easier for the girls if they fall asleep in the car traffic is bad and one of us would end up waiting somewhere.

mumofone100 · 09/07/2018 12:59

Thank you for your input, I massively appreciate it as I do have a good relationship with my ex and want to carry on this way. A soft approach is best.
It's only been 3 weekends so far as a test and she is shattered after such a long drive and the late night. Even if she sleeps in the car she is still awake with excitement of seeing dad or myself.
Eow to him and I will help facilitate him on the other other weekends some how.
It's good to see how it works for others and what is a common solution, like I say i do appreciate the heartache for him in this but our daughter is the priority over me and him

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