Feel like a failure. Warning v v long.

[InCognitoZombie]

I have 3 DDS 14, 10 and 8. Dd1 has issues with her eating and anxiety. Not a major eating disorder, she just doesn't enjoy food and has very limited selection. She's currently just finishing a cahms course for anxiety and is being referred to a nutritionist. The other day she refused school but wouldn't tell me why (I assumed cramp as it was that time of month) but school phoned me back and said she needs to go in or it will class as unauthorized. So I made her go in and got a phone call at end of school saying she had made some "disclosures" and they couldn't let her come home until they've spoken with me. She had told them that she was starving and felt ill/dizzy because she'd only had carrot sticks and crisps in 24 hours. I told them that yes that is true, however it was multiple packets of crisps including a full size pack of Pringles and I'd made her tea the night before which she refused and offered her waffles and strawberries before school which she also refused. School seemed happy enough after talking with me but it's made me feel like crap.

Dd2 has always been a difficult child. She has massive mood swings/anxiety/maybe depression (she always finds the downside of everything)/went through a period of wishing herself dead. She was diagnosed with precocious puberty, and had her 1st period 2 weeks before her 8th birthday. I decided it'd be best to try to delay it for a while so she had injections for about 18 months until she decided she didn't want them anymore. However everything kind of fell into place re mood swings etc, she obviously couldn't control her hormones. Now she's finished the injections these are now all rushing back, so constant tantrums/moodiness/downheartedness. She was referred to cahms but we decided to do counciling with school as she'd already done a few sessions.
Dd3 bless her. She's a bit overweight I think due to me praising her for eating as dd1 didn't/doesn't and now she's in a habit of over-eating, though I'm trying my best to counter this. I think due to this she has very low self esteem. I was called into school for a meeting where they said she is very capable but just doesn't believe in herself. Panics if she doesn't grasp something straight away. She also is very reluctant to speak to people (I think it's just shyness-me and her dad are like this too) and she's been referred to cahms too.

Now I'm not a crap parent. I was a sahm until dd3 was 4, then I went self employed so I am always the one to take them to school/pick them up. I made them have bedtimes. I took/take them places. I don't smoke, drink, swear. I've only every left them for 5 days (very necessary and dp was here) I like to cook and when I was sahm I'd cook from scratch (less so now I'm working) I build them up, tell them how well they are doing, try not to compare them. I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it but my whole life revolves around my kids, I do everything I can to help them.
But I've obviously failed somewhere. I feel so embarrassed going to cahms with dd3, I mean 3 out of 3? Surely that's not normal. I can't talk to anyone in real life really. I told my friend and she was all sympathetic, but when for eg I told her about a falling out with do, the next day she put a soppy status on about how much she loves her do, and when I told her about dd1s school trouble she's put a status about how fab her DD is. It might be just me being sensitive though. I'm not really expecting any replies, I just really needed to get it all off my chest.

When I say dd3 is overweight, it's not massively obvious when comparing her to her classmates as a lot of them are overweight too, so I don't think she is being bullied. She's in 10 year olds clothes.

Wow. You sound like a great parent op. Quick q - do they have another parent or is it all on you?

Dp lives here but I do think this is where the problem might lie. He is very much a hands off parent. He has no positive interaction with them and as a result none of the DDS (this sounds awful) like him. So I have kind of been mum and dad to them (which makes it even more my fault) I also have no outside help, my mum died, dad's not bothered and brother relies on me for a lot too.
Dp and I aren't even "a couple" in that he lives here and that's it. I do all child related stuff, 80% of housework, 100% of cooking (unless we order in) 100% of house admin. Even though we work exactly the same hours. If I'm honest I'd like him to move out but it's just too much at the minute.

I have one child with ASD and one suspected, both have very high anxiety. Not for a minute suggesting that your children have ASD of course but anxiety, and the things that cause anxiety, run in families so am I a failure because I have 2 out of 2 with additional needs to other children? No, and neither are you. You sound like a lovely mum, this is not your fault, you are not a failure you are a superwoman!

Both mine have had CAHMS involvement. As Mummyontherocks said, anxiety tends to run in families. Also, one sibling with any kind of medical issue is likely to impact on the other siblings. That's not your fault: it's just one of those things that life throws at you, and which you (by the sounds of it) are dealing really well with.

I have just come back from accompanying 21yo dd to the MH appointment which she hopes is finally going to result in a diagnosis. She is on medication and has been for a long time. But she is getting on with life, she is getting an education, she is making the best she can of a difficult situation and I know I have played a part in that. I didn't make her ill but I can act as a support while she deals with her illness.

And that sounds exactly like what you are doing with your three. It does sound hard and it must feel unfair that all this should have been dumped on your family. I know I have often felt that. But at least there is some comfort in knowing that you are doing your best for them.

I think it sounds like you're an amazing mum and doing a great job. If you worry about what you could do differently you could maybe ask the CAMHs people. they often get families involved and might prove family therapy to help to work out what the problem is. But it might be that it's nothing you could be doing differently. It might be a combination of genes, learned behaviour (anxious parents often have anxious kids), high pressure on kids from school etc. Are you able to talk to your DP at all about the situation and how you feel him becoming a bit more active in the homelife might make everyone's happier? Family therapy might be a good place to start. Or have a family meeting regularly where everyone can say how they feel about things and what they'd like to do more as a family or things they'd like to change as a family. my kids are not quite old enough for this but I know a lot of family therapists recommend this sort of approach.

Most importantly though give yourself some credit - sounds like you are an amazing mum and that will be a massive strength for your kids too.