My daughter doesn't know she has a sister

[GeordieKaty]

I have the most amazing 6 year old daughter and I am in the process of getting divorced from her father as I discovered he has been living a double life, not only that but he has another child with someone (although there is at least one other woman he has also been seeing I'm aware of!). Finding out this has been heartbreaking although it explains his behaviour over the last few years (things were so bad I had already filed for divorce but he refused saying everything was fine!). My daughter is adjusting well to the situation and he finally moved out but sees her regularly. He says 'our' daughter is priority as this other child wasn't planned which I find appalling! I cannot deny the fact my daughter has a sister and now I need to know how best to tell her this? My husband has contact with his other daughter (I'm not sure if he's still with her mother as she wasn't happy when I sent her photos from the private investigator showing him with another woman!) it's amazing how you can be with someone so long and then suddenly see them for what they are. He is a controlling manipulative liar and ultimately I am happy to be rid of him however for our daughters sake I am keeping things civil and he has access. It's just how to go about the next stage of explaining to her she has a sister! I've messaged the mother of the child and we've agreed we would like them to know each other (both are only children as far as they know) I was advised that her dad needed to tell her but I disagree, as her mam who has always been the one to put her to bed and get her ready and look after her the majority of the time and who she trusts and talks to about anything and everything I either want to be he one to tell her or at least be there when he does. What is the best way to talk to her about this? The other child is 2 and it turns out she met her last year although he didn't tell her who the child was (I find this appalling that this woman who I knew nothing about has met my daughter) Sorry for the long post, any advice would be appreciated.

That’s a really difficult one and you deserve a medal for coming out of this so well

Does he know that you want to tell her? Just wondering if you would be able to say that she’s about to meet her DSister and you wondered if he wanted to tell your DD about her this week or leave it to you at the weekend?

My DC went through very similar, really, really similar actually. The 4 children are all adults now but best friends. It was hard for everyonecat the time but they’ve all gained extra brothers and sisters.

Hi, thank you, yes he knows I want to tell her and we’ve both agreed we want her to know it’s just finding the right words to explain to her. She’s accepted that we’ve separated, of course she had some tears but she’s adapted so well and she knows she sees both of us. I’ve managed to avoid answering in depth when she’s asked why but I’m starting to feel like I’m lying to her which I hate. I guess I just have to be honest but keep it simple? Maybe say ‘you know how you’ve asked why mammy and daddy aren’t living together anymore, well daddy....’ and now I’m stuck 😳 how do I say daddy met somebody else and they had a baby ... and that I didn’t know but it turns out you have a sister !! I just want to tell her in the best possible way and I don’t know what words to use. I have close friend with half siblings who are now all very close as adults so I’ve seen it can work and be positive for her and as you say you have seen that too. Thanks for the advice x

Or maybe I do leave him to tell her? I just worry what he will say but instead of me stressing about it maybe I should leave it to him to tell her then I can have the conversation afterwards with her and answer any questions she has. I have a really good relationship with my dad and I wouldn’t do anything to jepadise my daughters relationship with her dad (although I think he will do that himself in time as he’s hardly been around so far and although he’s suddenly making an effort, I don’t think it will last). Never did I imagine I’d be on this situation. Finding out about other women is one thing but another child is just a whole other level!

It is such a huge betrayal. I think keeping it simple. Do you know any other families where Dad has another child? You could say something like “you know how Daisy has a little brother/sister? Well I’ve just found out that you have too and we are so lucky, we’re going to meet her on Saturday”.

Thy sounds great thank you, as you can see from my posts I struggle to be concise and that sounds perfect to me.... I don’t know of anyone I can compare to but I’ll have a think, I’m sure there must be someone! It’s just planning when to tell her now. I’m scared as he’s trying to get back together with the mother of the child (after he tried to convince me we could make it work!) so I have no doubt he’ll be using our daughter as a pawn and saying to this woman how lovely it will be as the girls will be together. So if I tell her now I’m thinking of the summer holidays and for all I’m saying I want them to meet, I want it to be a gradual process and once she knows whose to say he’s not going to take her there loads over the holidays (not emotionally prepared for that yet!) anyway thanks again that’s the lovely simple way I was looking for 😊 x

I’d try and keep on good terms with the other Mum if you can. She may not realise yet what he’s like or she may have seen the light like you. Either way it’s a good idea to be friend,y with her, for the sake of the girls.

It really is uncanny. When this hapoened to my DCousin there was a third woman too and the OW, the one who was the Mum to his other kids in the second family, left him when she found out about the third one.

He now lives with a fourth one after 1, 2 and 3 left him

Wow it is very similar! Good advice about staying on good terms with the other mam, we have been in contact via fb messenger and she said he told her we were separated. I do believe he has totally lied to her too and she said she ended things as she couldn’t handle the situation anymore. I asked her if she thought things would change when she had the baby and she said yes. I think eventually she’s realised he had no intention of being with her but now because I have found out and ended things he has decided to try and get back with her! Only after he realised he couldn’t convince me to give things another go. Who knows though if this what she was wanted all along maybe they will get back together although if she did take him back now I probably would judge! But it’s up to them and I’m just glad to be rid of him! x

Just keep it matter of fact. I've known from quite an early age that my biological father was putting it about a lot and I've got random half siblings all over the place I've never met. I've looked up my "brother" on FB out of idle curiosity (unusual surname so easy to do) - but the "sister" I know of... no idea because of women not keeping the same surnames over the years.

Def keep it very simple and matter of fact as others have said. 6 is still very young and you'll prob find she won't actually say a lot or be that interested at the time but will come back to the subject over the next few weeks randomly.

Yes, very similar indeed. If you find some photos of numbers in the loft dressed up in your clothes and underwear, I think you’ll have a full house!