Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

My Mother In Law is awful

16 replies

inkpaperblotts · 01/07/2018 22:06

I don't mean awful as in overly critical and nothing's ever good enough for her son type, I mean awful as in made us homeless with a 1 year old baby 2 years ago and just as we rebuilt some sort of relationship with her now my daughter is 3, she's reported us the social services for any reason she can think of. We have no idea why, she's been pleasant enough since Christmas - she can be very manipulative and is prone to temper tantrums however.

We obviously don't know who specifically made the phone call however we're somewhat of a closed off family - my own family is in Leeds while my partner's is in London, we live in Somerset. Narrowing it down from things that were reported, we know it was her. Luckily enough, social services closed the case by the end of said phone call (she's actually reported us before just after I had my baby and lied about that then too).

The things that were reported were pretty out there. Saying that my daughter was filthy (she bathes every 2 days unless she has a yoghurt incident), saying that we leave her in her room all day (we do put her in her room for something like biting for 10 minutes however she's 3 and tends to go for a nap for half an hour), saying that she's not toilet trained yet (are all 3 year olds toilet trained? We tried a couple of months ago but she got upset, nursery said that it's fine) and saying that her belly is 'distended' due to a really poor diet (she will eat anything, fruit, pasta, carrots, peas, chicken, beef, tomatoes, cheese, will inhale a banana, jam, biscuits, as much chocolate as she can get her tiny hands on. We restrict sugary sweets however. We make sure she has a very varied diet and love giving her new things to try.).

I don't exactly know why she's done this or where to go from here. I'd just let my daughter go with her to a birthday party, the first time that I'd ever let my mother in law look after my daughter unsupervised by us. Our guess is that she was talking about us to people there and may have even got one of them to report it - as paranoid as that sounds, she really is the type to do just that.

She's never mentioned any concerns to us and my Grandmother regularly visits and has never noticed anything either. My daughter is a normal, happy, intelligent 3 year old and this is just so, so malicious. With us having family so far away I'm still reluctant to cut her off entirely as my daughter loves her. What would you do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SamanthaH92 · 01/07/2018 22:08

I'd cut her off. Family are ment to support each other. Unless there really was concerns but from what you have said there isn't.

Original poster

inkpaperblotts · 01/07/2018 22:22

I probably should. I forgot to add that I didn't initially know that I was pregnant but as soon as I saw her I knew I was keeping her. Best decision I've ever made. My MIL has always been this dark shadow though, she always has this set idea on how she would raise a child and she absolutely hates that I refuse to listen to her wrong advice.

There has been more than one occasion where my daughter has been told off for something or put in time out (screaming, hitting, one of the usual things) and MIL has literally walked out of the room because she "couldn't stand to see my daughter suffering" i.e. being upset at being told off etc. It makes me constantly question my parenting and tbh I think it's starting to put a strain on mine and my daughter's relationship as I'm so stressed about doing the 'wrong' thing. A part of me feels like if I don't raise her perfectly at every moment of the day I've failed in some way.

Sorry for the walls of text I guess I needed to rant a little.

OP posts:

Opheliah · 01/07/2018 22:25

Goodness. Yes most 3 year olds are toilet trained. It's mental to consider one who isn't to be a social services issue though.

I put my son in his room when he's been very naughty too. It's normal.

I would distance myself. What does your partner say about her behaviour?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 3 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

inkpaperblotts · 01/07/2018 22:32

She turned 3 in May, so we're starting again this month - I think I've been a bit too reluctant as she was so stressed about it before!

My partner puts up with her. She's mentally abusive and has thrown things at him in the past and the more I write about her the more I wonder why the hell we still talk to her good god

OP posts:

SamanthaH92 · 01/07/2018 22:37

I think all in-laws or parents all like to give "advice" i just nod smile and say yes most of the time. At the end of the day its your child. NOBODY is a perfect parent, ever. I wouldn't want her near me let alone my child x

NorthernSpirit · 01/07/2018 22:38

She sounds like she has some issues. Could be mental health or boardering on narassistic. I wound go NC with her. She sounds like a nasty old woman.

TittyGolightly · 01/07/2018 22:40

we do put her in her room for something like biting for 10 minutes however she's 3

I had to stop here. So much wrong with that.

Original poster

inkpaperblotts · 01/07/2018 22:44

TittyGolightly, uh should I not put her in her room for biting?

OP posts:

mando12345 · 01/07/2018 22:45

I agree with TittyGolightly, 10 minutes is to long to put a 3 year old in her room.
Your MIL is being ridiculous reporting you to social services but perhaps you do need some parenting advice on how to handle unwanted behaviour.

Original poster

inkpaperblotts · 01/07/2018 22:47

Okay, I'll reduce the time. Usually it's 2 minutes on the step but we take injuring people more seriously. I'm learning as I go.

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 01/07/2018 22:50

3 mins time out for a 3yo isn't it?
Cut off your mil.
Your mh is worth more to your dd than a gm who is meddling.

Original poster

inkpaperblotts · 01/07/2018 22:51

Still, leaving her in her room too long really does explain why she gets bored after a couple of minutes and has a nap LOL

OP posts:

Pixiedust2017 · 01/07/2018 23:39

Hey there,
I am sorry your MIL has caused so many issues for you!
From what I hear lots of 3 year olds aren't toilet trained. Maybe ask nursery if they think she is ready for it? And see if they have any recommendations? The staff at my nursery are really friendly and helpful and they should be able to signpost you to something useful I am sure.
With regards to your MIL, if you are SURE it was her that reported you I would do the following. Only meet her in "neutral" territory (at least for a while). Then she can't criticise your home as she is not there to see it.
You need to get your husband to be on the same page as you. I would tell MIL that you are aware she thinks that you have some parenting issues. That if she has issues with your parenting or how you are raising your child that she should discuss these with you in person before contacting any third parties. If she doesn't do this and she causes trouble again she will be loosing contact with her grandchild. I think this is fair as she has a chance to clear the air with you and also to change her ways. I would also point out that if social services were to become more heavily involved there is a high chance they would take her grandchild away from not only you but also her. Which I am sure she does not want. Also make sure she knows that social services did contact you and they have no issues with how you are parenting your child and so have dropped the case.
As her grandmother, your MIL should also want your LO to be disciplined so that she can grow up in a healthy way. Sometimes discipline is necessary to ensure that children do not hurt themselves or others. Point this out to her and maybe ask what she would do instead to discipline your LO. She might have some actual good ideas or it might be codswaddle but then she will know you are interested in her ideas at least. You can always say, we tried it your way for a week and it didn't work.
Hopefully your situation improves soon :)

TittyGolightly · 02/07/2018 07:33

TittyGolightly, uh should I not put her in her room for biting?

I wouldn’t. A) it’s not helpful in explaining why we don’t bite. B) you’re giving mixed messages about her room. You want her to feel safe and comforted in there for sleeping, but then turn it into a mini prison for bad behaviour. C) if you deliberately turned your back on your partner and withdrew all contact for 10 minutes every time you disagreed about something they did you’d be considered emotionally abusive. D) she may be biting because something is upsetting her but she doesn’t have the emotional development yet to rationalise it. Shutting her in a room doesn’t teach her anything about emotions except that they are bad if someone else says so.

Original poster

inkpaperblotts · 02/07/2018 11:33

Titty, it sounds more like you want to nitpick anything you don't like rather than actually helping.

Of course I explain to her what she does wrong, where did I say I didn't? And rather than it being a "mini prison" as you call it it has the opposite effect - she doesn't see it as a punishment and plays then has a nap instead. Her sleep certainly isn't being affected. I don't think I'm doing her massive psychological damage, just need to stick to the step.

Also I was just using biting as an example. She's bitten her Dad once in her entire life.

C) Makes no sense, when you argue about something it's often good to calm down for 10 minutes to rationalise no?

P.S. Can you block people on here

OP posts:

TittyGolightly · 02/07/2018 12:08

When you have a rational mind, yes. 3 year olds don’t. Chucking her in a room to calm down doesn’t teach her anything about handling emotions. There’s lots of child psychology info online if you want to research yourself.

www.gentleparenting.co.uk/kc/time-out-or-time-in/

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jul/08/haywood-grove-school-excluded-children-control-rage

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/four-reasons-you-shouldnt-ignore-toddler-tantrums_b_9447624.html

Flip