How to support my friend

[MumApr18]

Hi all, looking for a bit of advice please.

I'm a new Mum - my LO is fantastic so far, happy, smiley, content, to be honest just a dream! I know I'm lucky and not bragging as I know it could change at any moment - we still have teething to come!

However, my friend has an older child (18 months) who is HARD WORK. I'm going to be quite blunt but he is literally the most demanding child I've ever met. He can be kind and affectionate but most of the time he is angry and frustrated and upset. Her parenting is fantastic - he couldn't ask for better parents but I'm slowly seeing her sinking into a depression over his behaviour. He has often brought her to tears in public and the lack of sleep and constant tantrums are proving too much.

How can I help? When we are together I do my best to entertain him (he is marginally better with me, someone not his mum) and try to suggest new, fun things for him to do but, again being blunt, he just ruins things and, obviously, I'm limited as I have my own LO there too.
Any advice?

If his behaviour is actually bad and not just normal toddler behaviour she needs to talk to her GP about it. They should be able to signpost her to other services if needed. She should probably go anyway to see if there is anything they can do to help her if she is starting to become depressed.
Is there any chance this is an attention issue? Does he get more attention when he misbehaves? Does he get any 1 on 1 time at home without phones, tvs, tablets around?
What kind of things does he ruin? He is only 18 months old. Is there any chance your expectations of him are too high?
Maybe you could try activities in which "ruining" them doesn't matter. Could you get some toddler friendly paint and some large pieces of paper (cheap wrapping paper maybe) and just let him make a giant mess with it all outside? Or go to a child play centre and let him run around and burn off some energy? (assuming he isn't violent or aggressive towards other children.)
If he is not sleeping properly at night like your post suggests he might just be overly tired during the day.
I am currently reading a book called "Toddler Taming" by Christopher Green. Its Australian based and she probably knows all of the stuff already but might be worth a read?

Hi, thank you!

Yes, I've suggested the GP but I think she is wary of hearing the truth to be honest. She has mentioned ADHD/autism but I think she's scared of finding out. I believe she is already on antidepressants.

The sorts of activities he has just made unbearable are swimming (he screamed the place down for no reason until he decided he sort of liked it and just clung to his mum) a paddling pool (he just kept putting everything he wasn't meant to in the pool - his clothes, electronics, changing bag and cried when we put everything away...he had plenty of water safe toys but it's like he knows!!), we tried the painting but he lost interest within a couple of minutes and wouldn't go back to it, cake decorating but he didn't really understand, and he won't do soft play as he won't leave his Mum alone if she is nearby. He isn't violent with other kids but just ignores them completely which means his mum has to entertain him all the time. Could their be an issue with attachment? Can a toddler be too attached to their mum? Is that an issue?
I think she has tried one on one dedicated play time but he's just such hard work that she says she actually just hates spending time with him now. It's really sad but I totally get it. I wouldn't want to spend time with him either :( Feel horrible admitting that.
I will suggest that book to her. Thanks for the recommendation. Any other recommendations for activities I could do with him (obviously my LO will be there too but he's still at the long nap stage)?

It sounds like she is at her wits end. Very understandable.
To me it still sounds like an attention thing. I.e. If I put mummies phone in the paddling pool I get a giant reaction (again understandable :p). I am by no means an expert though!
So I would make sure (especially at your house) anything valuable or electronic is locked away or put way out of his reach.
To be honest if he does something like put his clothes in the pool, you could just say calmly "If you put these in the pool they will get wet and you will have nothing to wear". Don't get angry or react in any kind of extreme way. Either take them off him (if you can without a fight) or let him do it and don't react to it. I hear it has been rather hot and sunny in the UK at the moment (not jealous at all as its freezing here :p ). The worst that happens is he goes home naked in the car seat. A drive with no clothes on isn't going to hurt anyone. I think if you don't react to these things he will quickly get bored of them.
If his mum is struggling to give him one - on - one time then any attention from his mum at all is "good" attention in his books. You need to try and make sure you praise anything good he does at all straight away at the time, no matter how trivial it seems to you. And unless he is harming others or himself try and ignore the bad stuff where possible. Or just a "No, you can't play with the phone its not for you" and take it away.
Even with kids with ADHD etc. I think the same applies although it will be a million times harder and more exhausting for all.
See if the mum could try spending 30 minutes with him just playing with him a day. That seems to be the amount of time that keeps cropping up in all the toddler stuff I am reading/watching. Parents are so busy now a days and there is so much technology around that lots of kids don't even get that amount of quality time any more.
As for ideas...
Have any cardboard boxes lying around? He can rip them up, draw or paint on them (in the garden so he doesn't make a mess of your house :p ) or make forts etc.
How about making mudcakes? Or sand play. Also very messy so it doesn't matter what he does with it unless he eats it... You can find youtube videos on how to make your own kinetic sand that is also edible (to some degree)
You can get these cool pens that you can use in the bath and shower now. He can draw all over them and make a mess of it with bubbles and it will all wash off afterwards?
Bedding forts? Get all the cushions and duvets out and let him jump around and build a fort with them?
I think trying to gently persuade them to go to the GP is still a good idea. I think if mum is finding it so difficult she needs to find some help somewhere and hopefully the GP could at least recommend some support groups or something.