Am I doing it all wrong??

[Mumof1DS]

From here, just after a little reassurance.
Ds is 17 weeks. We are in the throes of sleep regression, with him sleeping roughly 45 mins a time in the crib. Longer if it's on me, so for day time naps when we're at home (as opposed to the pram). He was previously going 2-3 hours a time, waking for a feed and change, settling back down usually after an hour or so. He's purely breast fed if that makes a difference.
My queries are these:

1. He falls asleep finishing a feed. Am I creating an association here? Does it matter?
2. Is it a problem that he won't settle himself to sleep in the crib or needs to fall asleep on me/after a feed at this stage?! He doesn't need a feed to go back to sleep, but he does need me.

I understand that this is a stage that will pass. I'm happy to ride it out, but interested in how long it lasted for you. In back at work in 4 months (boohoo) and just hoping it will have finished by then!
I love being a mum and happy to just take it all as it comes and get some sleep whenever and to cuddle him to sleep etc, but by doing so, am I creating myself problems down the line?
DMIL and DSIL seem very keen on routine and that he should be learning to 'self settle' etc.
Thanks in advance for any advice.

P.s. also, I can think he's fast asleep on me, but try to put him down in the crib and he will clench hi tummy muscles (so I know he's not properly asleep) and will stir and cry after a few mins. It takes much longer for him to go down enough to have a 45 mins stretch.
Is this my fault? Have I caused this by cuddling to sleep?

First of all, you are not doing it all wrong - you're doing whatever you can to help your baby to sleep - so cut yourself some slack! The four month sleep regression is bloody hard and it's to your credit that you can even write coherently at this time!

With my first DD I was diligent about getting her to sleep in her cot and not on me, but as soon as four months rolled around, she stopped being able to get to sleep that way so I was in the same boat as you anyway. I actually wish I hadn't bothered doing all the "right" things and just enjoyed the cuddles. The waking every 45 minutes did pass after about 10 days or so (she then woke around every two hours) so fingers crossed you'll be over the worst soon.

Once you are, there are several methods to getting a baby to self-settle: gradual withdrawal being the most gentle. I actually sleep-trained my DD at five months using controlled crying. There are many who will tell you that's far too young, is inhumane etc, but that was the only method that worked for us and I have zero regrets about it as it transformed my DD.

With any kind of "training", even the most gentle, you will need to face the fact that there will be some crying. It's easy for others to say your baby "needs to learn", but much harder when you share the special bond of a parent and child.

Try to ignore your PIL's comments: you will know when the right time for you and your baby is, and you shouldn't feel pressured to try anything any sooner than that. It sounds like you are not quite ready yet, but when you are, you will find lots of help here.

No, you’re not doing anything wrong. Mine didn’t fall asleep actually on me, but I lay on my side feeding them in my bed. We would then fall asleep and have a long glorious nap together. Honestly my most favourite memory of my babies.

Please don’t stress about trying to establish too much of a sleeping routine at this point - 17 weeks is still very young! I would be a bit concerned about encouraging a baby that is ebf (and therefore presumably still fed on demand?) to settle without breastfeeding if that’s all they’ve ever done. Could disrupt your milk supply, cause him distress etc. Also there is another sleep regression at 9 months (sorry!) so even if you managed to sleep train him now, it could all go out the window in a few months anyway.

I bfed mine to sleep until 10 months, it was good in the long run, but the crying was hideous and shortly afterwards I got mastitis as my body was so used to doing a massive feed in the evening!

At 17 weeks I was feeding to sleep lying down on our bed and falling asleep beside her, it was actually lovely! Try and tune out the “advice” on sleep training from relatives, as PP have said, it’s best to be guided by your baby and what feels right for you. You’re definitely not doing it wrong!

Your baby is tiny and this is normal.

My 2 year old is currently awake 😩

Just do what you have to do to survive, don't worry about associations at this stage. Unfortunately my DD's sleep hasn't yet recovered from the 'regression' and she is still a terrible sleeper at 8 months old. She usually needs fed through the night and I just oblige for an easier life.

And 17 weeks is very very young to be self-settling!