How to enjoy motherhood?

[Beemommy]

I have 2,5 year old DS and a 1 year old DD and I love them both very much but I seem to struggle every day to find that joy of motherhood. It has been a crazy ride so far as both of them are very difficult kids with the need of constant attention and very strong characters( I have multiple nephews to compare to).
I also miss my life before kids so much and just can't settle for this new one so far. I thought it was a temporary feeling and will go away with time but now it's been 2,5 years and I still can't get used to it.
I am also looking at those perfect instagrams of other mommies and just thinking to myself all the time - am I missing something? How can I learn to enjoy this new life? How can anyone enjoy not having time for anything, being stuck at home and having same routine every single day?

Your children are very young. They're not attention seeking, they're just displaying age-appropriate behaviour. You're in the midst of the most time-consuming and difficult bit right now, hang in there it will get easier.

PS Leave instagram, it's incredibly bad for your mental health. You're seeing edited highlights, not the full picture.

To enjoy it more accept that this is actually possibly the hardest time in your whole life. Your children may be at their most challenging age (for the next few years) and anything that’s not being screamed at is nice.

Don’t give yourself stress about being unhappy - this is not easy! With one you would probably be fine but two so close together is hard work. You’re not getting those instagram moments of intimacy, sharing the wisdom you’ve gained while sipping babycinos and watching butterflies. You’re too busy working. It’s not comparable.

Seriously, babycinos do help though. Do you have child friendly cafes? Near a zoo or museum? What do you do with your days?

It can be pretty hard to enjoy very young children with a small age gap. You've just got to soldier on, feed, love and clothe them and the enjoyment will come when they are a little bit older. It's not a long wait- mine are 3 and 5 and they are mostly a lot of fun and joy but they certainly weren't as young babies. Hang on in there and don't be hard on yourself for not enjoying it- lots of people aren't

Oh and please be absolutely assured that outside of those few instagram-worthy perfect looking photos, there will have been plenty of mundane crap! Instagram is not a reflection of reality

Oh it’s a tough stage. Mine are 4.5 and nearly 3 now and things are so much easier, I actively enjoy it now (and am expecting our third!). When they were the same age as yours it was bloody relentless.

Do you have a husband or a partner? If so, make them do some of the housework when they're around.

Is it possible for you to go back to work, even for a couple of days a week?

Ditch the social media. People never put their actual, real lives on there, only the edited highlights. You can't compare yourself to that.

Easier said than done but stop thinking back to your old life. It's been and gone and you'll not get it back for quite a long time so constantly harking back will make you feel even more shit.

Keep telling yourself that this bit, which in my limited experience of life as a parent (eldest is 7) is the hardest and most monotonous part, doesn't last forever. It's gone within the blink of an eye. Then it gets easier as they get more independent and less needy. then they become teens

Don't compare to nephews etc. It's not the same. You can give nephews/nieces/other people's kids back. You only have them for a limited time and then they're back with their parents. You don't have to get them to eat or sleep or drag them around the supermarket or try to clean the house around them. They behave differently for you than for their parents. It's really not comparable.

Agree that this is the hardest stage. You have to do so much just to keep them alive, and they are irrational so even that is hard. I wonder if the key to finding happiness in this is stopping comparing yourself to others, especially Instagram and the like. Don't forget that dwelling on the images you see and also to an extent what real people around you look like means that you are comparing the outside of someone's life with the inside of your own. This sets up unrealistic goals, when actually the only goal is finding your own happiness, not a simulcram of other people's.

And your own happiness is there, it's just that it looks different to when you could spend all your time focusing on yourself whereas now you can only do that in snatches. When you do catch a glimpse of it, focus on that feeling. Make it a priority job, for your own well being.

I have 2 very young children and I've found the only way to keep my sanity some days is to get out of the house! There's not much chance of a lie in anyway with 2 kids, so we get up early, pack a bag and get out of the house. It's so much easier in this warm weather, we go to a park, have a picnic, beach etc. I arrange to meet up with people I know who also have young kids, and make an effort to build new friendships with other mums.

Then we usually get back home just after lunch, kids go for a nap, I get some time to myself or get caught up with housework etc. The afternoon is usually spent either at home, or a walk to the shop if we need some groceries etc.

It makes the day go quicker, I feel the kids are happier as they're out doing stuff and not stuck at home all day, and it gives me some interaction with other adults.

Are you planning to go back to work? Maybe even part time? Do you think that would help?

Good advice here.

I am the same. I have a 3.5 and a 14mo - I am struggling to enjoy it and when my smallest is having an angry day (happens a lot) it really impacts me.

I work four days a week which I really enjoy (never thought I would say that haha!) but I’m finding that hard due to sleep deprivation.

I try not to think about my old life because this is sooo different.

I often wonder how people can enjoy this all the time as I tend to describe it as a ‘slog’.

Hope it gets better, keep thinking once they are old enough to not be so dependant on me and sleep better it will be more enjoyable.

X

Thanks for all the replies and nice words.
Basically I think it's the routine that is killing me...the life before was exciting and spontaneous and now the only excitement is when they finish their plates of food...What do I do with my days? Mostly at home because I find it almost impossible to get out anywhere with two of them as it just ends up with one of them/both screaming and me losing my temper.
@winterwonderly Picnic? Wow. I am amazed you can do this because my picnic would end up with them running in the different directions as they are not able to sit for few minutes on one place.
I don't think going back to work is an option as it will just get me more exhausted and sleep deprived.

@Beemommy my youngest isn't on the move yet which makes things easier for me, I'm making the most of it. But seriously, I was starting to lose my sanity as we were staying in the house too much, and I'm feeling so much better now that we're out of the house a lot more. What about a local relative/school kid etc that you could get to help you out for a few days over the summer? I really enjoyed doing stuff like that when I was a teenager, and got trips out etc.

It’s really hard but I found it enjoyable when I did things I wanted to do.
I love going out so I take them out a lot. They’re so much happier when they’re out and so am I.
I did picnics too. Not necessarily the instagram picnics of a lovely rug and lovingly prepared food. No, a roll and a banana in the buggy while we watched ducks was good enough. At times.
We started to have lovely picnics when they got a bit older.
I went to lots of baby and toddler groups. More for some adult conversation for me but the kid’s had fun and I met some lovely people.
At home, I have the radio on in the background so I’m listening to interesting things and feel connected to the world out there.
How supportive is your partner? I always make sure I get time to myself regularly. Sometimes it’s to go to the supermarket by myself, sometimes its going out with friends.
This is your life too. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for motherhood.

@livelifewithpassion you are so right about not sacrificing yourself! I guess that I just tend to forget that sometimes...
Radio and toddler groups are good ideas though I need to give it a try.
My partner is not really supportive, he mostly works but even when he doesn't he has an idea that mothers are there to take care of the kids and father are to provide and entertain . I have tried changing that but failed and gave up already long time ago. So I do not get much time for myself and that is one of the problems too.
I do have a helper but mostly she cleans and helps with the chores as my kids don't accept to be take care by anyone except me. Today my elder was crying for half an hour as he didn't wanted her to wash his hands ...

OP it's time to have it out with your useless partner. If you were to split up, you'd get more time to yourself, because he'd have sole responsibility for them when it was contact time. Obviously I'm not saying you should do this but please bear it in mind.