I have lost my daughter

[Lostlily]

I separated from my STBXH a year ago and I had to move out of the family home while it sold because it was just too hostile and uncomfortable for us all to continue sharing a house with my ex.
All in all it has taken a year to sell and get through to completion. I moved 6 months ago after our first sale fell through late in the day.
My dd and I have always had a tricky relationship but I think its fairly normal for some mothers and daughters to clash over things and especially teenage daughters.
To cut a long story short, The time has come for my ex to leave town and my dd has chosen to go with him.
Over the last few months she had distanced herself from me significantly and now she rarely even replies to my messages and |I barely see her.

She has been very rude and spiteful at times and really hurt me and my family are pretty disgusted with her tbh. BUT I feel so helpless, she will be gone in two or three weeks, a LONG way away and I just feel like I have lost her. She blames me for the marriage breakdown even though it was my ex who was caught unfaithful.
I have felt as time has gone on that I need to let her go, in order for her to grow up and hopefully come back again when she understands the enormity if what has happened but its absolutely horrible, she is my only child and I have lost her

So sorry for you OP, it must be unbearable. How old is she?

Keep in touch even if she does not answer.
Text her write send cards. Always let her know you are there. If you allow no contact there will come a point where she will blame you for not staying in touch.

I dont mean stalk her OP but always keep communication open.
She will cone round I am sure.

she is 14
I message her and I can see she reads it but she just ignores me half the time, we went on holiday a few weeks ago for a week and a da great time but she was really nasty at times and I almost felt scared to tell her off because I'm so frightened of losing her.
One day I feel really angry with her for going with him when she knows its his fault the marriage ended and how much its breaking my hear to lose her, I feel really angry that my daughter doesn't seem to care about me and is protecting her dad, the next day I panic inside and send her messages telling her how much I love her and miss her and will always be there for her no matter what...and mostly she just ignores me

It's a difficult age.She will be looking for someone to blame. I think you will just have to sit it out and let her know you will be there for her. Hopefully as she gets older she will understand the situation. It must be so hard though

Exactly what sand said. It’s a difficult age & they are often difficult to reason with. Just keep telling her you love her & you will always have room for her anytime. Try & keep the lines of communication open. In all likelihood as she matures & given space she will mellow & sort out her conflicting feelings, be more accepting & your relationship can pick up again.

Sometimes space can bring you closer together. Just keep ensuring that you love her unconditionally and she'll come back around.

I truly hope so, I have kept my distance the last few weeks because the last times I have been to see her she has really upset me.
I bought myself an apartment and I was really excited to show her and show her where her bedroom would be so she would always now that she could come home to me if she wanted, when I went round I told her I was buying a new apartment and did she want to see it...She just said " I'm not interested" and didn't even move her head away from her phone
I took her on holiday a month ago for a week with my friend and her
dd, she had a great time but on several occasion through it she'd say, 'stop trying so hard, Im not going to stay with you" and stuff like that, she even black ailed me a couple of times when she didn't get her own way saying things like " you're never going to see me again when I move" and " get the message "
Its so hurtful I cant bare it and have just stayed away since we got back

Leave her go.
The novelty of being with your stbxh will wear off soon enough.
She'll more than likely be looking to come back, when it all goes pear shaped.

Such a difficult age, and this is probably more the problem. Keep loving her and making contact. One day she will change her tune. Just keep connecting with her even when she is rude and ignores you.

I understand how you feel, OP, but don't stop visiting her. I find the NRP of a sulky teenager tends to take what they say to heart and then stop seeing them so much, whereas in my experience of being the resident parent, there were times when my dd said horrible things to me almost every day, but as we still had to see each other in the house, I just grew a thicker skin.

Your ex is likely filling her head with all sorts, I would suggest staying in touch, keep it light, whatsapp messaging asking about her day, the move and even if you don’t get a reply keep doing it. Send her photos of her room in your apartment, be supportive of School stuff coming up.

My friends dd did this at a similar age. Friend had normal boundaries and her (very sbusive ex) let’s her do whatever she wants.

Friend stays in contact but for her own mental health has stopped attempting to engage with her as her dd’s reaction would always be utterly vile and dismissive of her.

It’s a massive change from when the dd adored her mum and the two were v close.

From what I can see her dd is spoilt and feels entitled and to being first in everything. And combined that with hitting her teens she has learned she has her mother over a barrel as her father will let her do whatever she wants. My friend can’t continue with allowing her teen to run wild as it was absolutely ruining home life for the other siblings and my friend so she accepted her daughter wanted or live with her father.

She does talk to her still, but for her own sake and the sake of her younger dc she has taken a step back & is letting her dd live the life she’s chosen but has ensured she knows her door is always open.

I don’t know if this will work or what will happen in the long term. My friend has been so amazing with her dc and it’s utterly heart wrenching to see this situation. I don’t recognise the lovely little girl her dd used to be with the angry stranger she is now.

I really feel for you.

She’s 14, still very much a child. But rudeness is out of order in her part.

The novelty will soon wear off living with dad. Let it ride its course.

Stop messaging her. Remember phones also make calls. Call her so she knows the line of communication is open.