Kindly meant but...

[Twiga]

Have had an interesting morning and wandered what other people might have done in my place.

Took dd (20 months) into town on the bus as we had a couple of items to pick up from a shop - 5 min job really besides the trip in so thought we could go for coffee and cake too. Had dd on a wrist strap as although bus stop only few hundred yards from house, roads busy and also didn't want to lose her in town. Choose wrist strap because at nearly 36 weeks pg it's easier than having to collapse buggy etc on bus.

Journey in fine, picked up stuff no bother, headed for Debenhems for coffee etc. On way up in lift had a nice chat with elderly lady who thought the wrist strap was a nice idea and good alternative to reins etc etc. Did the coffee, juice cake thing with dd no bother all well. Then it was time to go and we had a big throw ourselves on the floor, heading banging tantrum right in the middle of the cafe .

Kept very calm, repeated what I wanted dd to do - put the wrist strap back on - and explained we would go outside for some air and to get the bus home - very warm in the cafe and dd basically just hot and bothered rather than hates wrist strap IYSWIM. Meantime we were getting lots of stares, some sympathetic looks, couple of muttered comments about how I shouldn't have been out with a small child in my condition, one comment about how my strap was like a dog lead blah blah blah! All very helpful -not! Meantime a very nice assistant who had already helped me over with my tray earlier came across and presented dd with a bag of sweets, needless to say she stopped crying, said thanks and then was quite happy to come away carrying the bag of sweets. I'm sure the lady in question was trying to be helpful and expressed concern about me managing, when was I due, must be hard sometimes etc but....I felt I was doing ok, was quite happy to sit it out knowing dd would have given up probably after 5/10 mins and instead she was rewarded for being naughty. Didn't really feel I could refuse the gesture and also in no postition to take them away as whole thing would have kicked off again. Sorry for being long winded but is there a solution to this kind of event or do you just have to smile, say thanks and get on?

I think you got it on your last sentence, although it is obviously highly frustrating you are a bit stuck. If you had refused them DD would have kicked off even more.

Yeah, I know, I guess as long as she gets a consistent message the rest of the time. It was just a bit awkward having someone else sort things when I was feeling really hot and embarrassed anyway but coping - all very public and felt a bit undermined to be TBH.

I agree with Bozza, I would have been quietly fuming but just said thanks and got on with it. One episode isn't going to ruin all your hard work if you are usually consistent with her.

Sounds like the assistant meant well and was trying to help, and perhaps keep the other customers happy as well. Some people just don't realise that it's not a good idea to butt in and discipline/reward other people's dcs in that kind of situation.

I don't think there's anything else you could have done, except perhaps tell dd that she could have a couple of sweets now and save the rest for later. I would have been annoyed too.

See it that YOU didn't reward her for bad behaviour, so it's not like she will expect you to do it all the time, IYSWIM?

Be happy that she cared enough to help, albeit not quite what was needed at the time. Like Saadia said, people often don't realise that intervening is inappropriate & she was just trying to help you.

She will eventually understand that you are her mother and what you say goes and that a random stranger will not come up and give her sweets every time she strops. In fact it won't take long for her to figure that one!

, no real harm done then, hormones not helping - all feels so much tougher when you feel huge! Hoping dd will grow out of this whole tantruming thing soon. At least the intervention shortened the whole episode and got us out into the fresh air quicker!

LOL yes there is that. And at least it was someone else being inconsistent, not you. FWIW my sister has just had her second and says she is feeling much better dealing with a newborn and a toddler than she was dealing with a toddler and a huge bump.

I can see why you are peed off and I possibly would have been too ut it would depend on the mood I was in at the time too.

I think the lady was probably more thinking of the other customers as well as you and like you said your dd was hot and bothered probably tired and a bit fed up so her behaviour was not really bad just a normal pissed off reaction from a child of her age so look at the swets as not a reward for bad behaviour but something that made a frustrated toddler a bit happier (and quieter)

yep, that happens to me quite a lot, live in Spain, where they dole out Chupa Chups in every single shop and cafe and kindly assistants are always offering them to ds. Have so far managed to distract and then refuse without too much hassle, but any time he is showing any sign whatsoever of not being totally happy, somebody sprints over with a bloody sweet lolly. AARGH!
I have managed to "train" most of the lovely shop assistants in our village (who think I am that crazy english lady who for some odd reason won´t give her child sweets) but it's a nightmare!

The only thing I would have done differently would be that once she started the tantrum I would have picked her up and taken her outside. I will happily let kids tantrum in supermarket/street/etc but remove them from places like cafes where people are trying to relax.

WCL - I would normally have gladly picked her up and tried to remove her if things were lasting more than a few mins, but she's developed a knack for headbutting when in a real strop and I've been caught in the face a few too many times recently. Also suffering with spd which means bending to heave her off the floor not the most pain free or ideal thing just now. One of those times when I could have done with being with dh or a pal .

Will be glad when this phase of development is over and past!

wtf shouldn't be out with a small child in your condition. what does she think millions of other ready to pop women do every day of the year? and what would they have said if you didn't have the wrist strap and dd had run off and gotten run over - "why on earth didn't that stupid woman have that child on a wrist strap or reins!" you can never win.

oh and as for the sweets. i have refused sweets for ds before. he wasn't tantrumming but a nice lady offered him a bag of haribo in the post office. he's only 11 months and has 3 teeth so he wouldn't have been able to eat them anyway!! i think i might have said no and then removed her from the cafe. but ask me again in 2 years time

NA - have to say that those stupid comments made me want to giggle more than anything. If they'd been said directly to me rather than muttered across nearby tables then I think I would have been more offended but to me just smacked of ignorance! Met with some of my ante-natal group from last time round this afternoon who took great delight in calling my condition into question (having got my mornings chat) every time I so much as ate a biscuit and I was even offered a lift home as I really shouldnt have been out - all in all it provided a bit of a laugh for the remainder of the day. You're right though I think with that sort of person around you won't win either way - I know I'm spending quality time with dd and keeping her safe, that's all that counts.

Yeah, my first thought was to say oh no thanks but they were handed over directly to dd without any consultation and the instant silence was a bit of a relief to be honest although not ideally how I would have liked things handled. She really was trying to be kind, but given that tantrums are reg occurances just now I then got home and worried about the knock on effect, hence my post.

I think if I was a waitress faced with a screaming tantrumming child in the middle of my cafe, I might be tempted to give her some sweets, tbh, just to get it over with.

I know from your POV it's not ideal but Bozza's right, she'll cotton on to the lack of random sweet-dispensing strangers next time she has a public tantrum.

Glad the ante-natal group cheered you up, being heavily pregnant with a toddler can't be much fun.

oh i always think its polite to ask the parent/carer if its ok before giving another child food.

ly i once made a little girl on my table cry. this was before coming a parent and i didn't know any better.

when i took over her food she started screaming saying she didn't want any dinner. i said she had better gobble up some dinner else she wouldn't be able to get any ice cream. cue even bigger tantrum. whoops.

i skuttled off and came back with the biggest bunch of balloons i could find!!

speaking of which i once made another boy cry when i took a balloon over because he was scared of them.

have always asked if they'd like one now before taking them over.

Personally I think you are being very mildly ungracious about the assistant's intervention. She sounds heaven sent

(Sorry - don't mean to sound critical...sounds like you had enough criticism with the evil comments about you shouldn't be out with a small child in your condition )

Ideally appeasing a small child with a bag of sweets isn't great so I do absolutely get where you are coming from, but it was a very well intended gesture

Edam - it's becoming less fun as the weeks roll on - hoping this one doesn't decided to stay put for an extra fortnight like dd did! She's a star really, it's a lot for someone so wee to take in. She's really aware that mum is slower and not lively as usual, really looking fwd to feeling fitter again and being able to get back on the floor to rough and tumble with her.

na - I'm the same, always ask the adult. Responding to kids can always be a bit of a minefield if you don't know them well - had a few moments myself in the past.

I think the public as a whole is often quite suprising and varied in it's response to parents and their wee ones. I've had a lot of very kind folk fetch high-chairs across, open doors and help with buggy on transport in recent weeks as well as the unhelpful stuff - I guess you just have to take the bad with the good.

Thanks for all the replies. Not sure what a women in my condition is still doing up at this time better get to bed .

hmc - don't get me wrong, I know she was trying to help, it was just the worry that with all the trying to be consistent with dd (and for me it's not easy being faced with her tantrums as I'm quite fiery myself and not the most patient always) that there was potential that some of that was undone today iyswim.

oh twiga i do know where you are coming from. wanting to sit it out, knowing your child. I would be annoyed, but would probably accept sweets, and say to DD lucky you, you can have these after dinner. My mum is terrible for this, really doesn't think and hands over sweets to DC JUST before lunch. . sometimes, i let it slip as it really isn't often they do have sweets. they also know, there is no way i would offer (choc, i will not buy sweets), if they were having a tantrum. Waffle waffle, what i am trying to say is, it was wrong of the lady, however once, forget it.

oh btw my ds had a 'little' accident today in house of F. cafe. Only it was a flood that poured through cane type chairs. all the mouths were open, no one offered sweets. wonder why