I hate myself for being so angry with my toddler

[Namechangemum100]

I am so upset with myself and just don't know what to do.

Last night I had an absolutely horrendous night with my 17 month old. She settled for bed as normal (she self settles after milk), and slept fine until 11, when out of nowhere she turned into the absolute devil. She usually sleeps through, occasionally waking once, but last night was something else.

She woke at 11 hysterically crying, I went up to her, gave her some milk as this usually settles her, put her back down and she began hysterically crying, standing and almost vomiting. I kept going in, finally resorted to laying on the floor with my arm through the bar. She lay there fiddling with my hands and not going back to sleep. Upon the millionth attempt to leave the room at 1am, and the hysteria continuing, I brought her to my bed which I have never ever done. It didn't settle her, she sat up, started chatting, wanted to get off. So back on her cot she goes, crying continues and I crack and end up taking her downstairs as I couldn't listen to anymore crying. She ran around downstairs having the time of her life while I fought back tears on the sofa. I managed to FINALLY get her upstairs and back in her cot at 330am, where she then woke at 630am.

I know she doesn't understand and would never show her, but I still feel so angry inside. Dh has had to take care of them today as I just can't face my life as a parent right now. I feel defeated.

I love her dearly, but she is so challenge during the day, moaning and whingin lg constantly, and last night has pushed me over the edge.

For context we also have a 10 week old, although fortunately he is very chilled and sleeping pretty well.

What scares me is how angry I felt last night, just utter desperate frustration. I feel so guilty for feeling like this, like a terrible mum. At one point I kind of stormed into the room which i think made her jump( although I scooped her straight up for a cuddle), and I just felt like I was losing it a bit (although I would never ever EVER hurt her).

I don't even know why I'm posting, I just feel like I need to let it all out I guess.

Can't your DH share the night wakings? Do you have any alone time too? Even if it's just
To go for a coffee alone or gym etc - some 'you' time?

Dh does is fair share of night waking, he was dealing with ds whilst all of this commotion was going on with dd.

I don't get any time on my own as we don't have any family help. Dh pulls his weight, but that means it's either just me with the 2 of them, or the 2 of us with them. I'm pretty much never alone as there just isn't the time

If she was messing around I’d of just left her in her cot, especially if I was getting aggravated. It’s hard with small babies, give yourself a break.

@Steeley113 this is what I wanted to do, but every time I left her she just got so hysterical the guilt was killing me listening to her.

I think that's not uncommon for a 17mth old. You're just finding it hard to deal with because you have a baby and you're tired.

Is there anyone you can leave both kids with for the night do you and DH can have a good night's restorative sleep occasionally?With different people if it's easier?

@Heratnumber7 unfortunately we don't have anyone, dh and I haven't been alone together or out anyone even for 5 minutes since dd was born. I barely feel human anymore, just a mum, and not even a good one.

Did You give any calpol? Sometimes teething or earache can be worse at night and stop them sleeping?

It's always harder at night, let alone with a 10wo!

18 months is peak separation anxiety time. On top of that she’s gone from your full attention to having to share you. I’m not sure what there is to be angry about. One of those is part of normal toddler development and the other is of your doing.

That’s tough. There are 18mths between my girls, and life was hard going for a while. We were able to leave them with my parents though.
Can you afford to pay someone to look after the older one for a few hours each week so you can sleep in the day while the baby sleeps?

Or find a kindly neighbour/teenager who’d like to earn some pocket money by taking the older child for a walk while you nap?

Life does get better, I promise you. And having kids close together makes things much easier as they get older because they can share bed times, play together etc.

I can sympathise OP, it’s a tricky age. I have an 18 month old and every single one of the babies in my nct group are doing similar things. When it’s 2am and your baby is messing around your patience isn’t at an all time high!

I’m not sure there’s really anything practical you can do other than remember that it is a phase that will pass. And also that it won’t hurt them to see you frustrated once in awhile.

On a separate note, can you find on sitters or a similar website a babysitter just to come and help you for a few hours one day a week so you can just go and lie in a park/have a cup of coffee completely by yourself? It makes a world of difference.

Try not to beat yourself up! The fact that you feel so guilty for having a normal, tired reaction to the lack of sleep + constant crying, means that you're a great mum. You care that your reaction wasn't 100% what you want it to be. But you can't be 100% without a little bit of self-preservation. Rest, plan ahead and think of what you could change about your reactions to DD and write them down (my brain forgets huge amounts when sleep deprived) and try again tonight. This will pass!!

I just want to add give yourself a break . You didn’t hurt her , you are still hormonal , very tired ( just a newborn alone is tiring) plus your 17 month old is testing you and adjusting to having a little brother .

These first months are exhausting but it will get easier.