Support from DH at night with baby

[doobeedoo2]

Hoping for a bit of advice...

Our DD is 3mo and EBF. I feed her to sleep each evening after her bath and it can take anything from 1-3h to settle her in her cot. I then do the night feeds (normally 2 or 3), again feeding her to sleep before putting her back in her cot.

This means that I do everything for our DD between about 6.30pm each evening until 7am the following morning and am constantly exhausted. Meanwhile DH has a free evening and a good night's sleep, and I'm really starting to resent this.

He works full time so don't expect him to wake up for all the feeds during the week but feel like there must be something he can do to support me Fri and Sat nights. Just not sure what it is. Any suggestions??

Whenever I try to raise it with him he says I've created the situation as I chose to breastfeed so there's nothing he can do to help. This just feels like a bit of a cop out though. Is it totally unreasonable of me to think he should maybe wake up with me sometimes just to keep me company? Or is it just a bit vindictive of me to want him to be a bit knackered too?!

I'm so braindead I can't work out if I'm just being harsh and need to accept that dads get an easier ride when it comes to nighttime or if he should be more supportive. 🤔

Sad to say but I think at this stage sleep might need to come before quality time together

Well yes, that is often the reality of life with a very small baby. It gets easier as they get bigger.

Just feels like there's so much pressure to work towards your baby sleeping 7-7

Where do you perceive this pressure is coming from?

It's pretty much unheard of for babies that age to sleep through 7-7. Even a lot of babies twice their age would struggle. Most are maybe starting to get the hang of it by about a year old, but not all by a long stretch even then.

It also doesn't fit in with the SIDS guidance which is that the baby should be sleeping in the same room as you (including naps) until 6 months old.

Your DH absolutely can and should be doing more to help you and let you get some sleep, but you are trying to achieve the impossible right now in terms of sleep and routine. He's right in that he can't feed to sleep so has no reason to waste his time sat in a dark room for the whole evening.

Chuck whichever book it is out that's told you that you should be working towards 7-7 at this age, or tell whichever person it is that's been telling you this to bog off.

Just checking back in as saw your update about pressure getting DD to sleep 7-7?? She's way too young for that. At 3m DD stayed with us in the sitting room till 9 or 10pm.

She naturally bought her bedtime forward to 7pm at 4.5m and now at 6m she goes down at 6.30pm (again, this is her not me forcing it), has one night waking for a bottle, and wakes for the day around 6.45/7

DH can walk the baby to sleep, once DC is full of milk! It's just as easy as feeding them to sleep! DH spent hours walking round with our DC, as babies until midnight when they were little!

He's being selfish.

I didn't bf but my friend is currently bf a 1mo. Her husband brings the baby to her for night feeds, she feeds the baby then goes back to sleep while her husband settles the baby back down. He does all the nappies etc.

My DD is 16 weeks and she's still wide awake! She goes down any time between 8 & 10pm! She DEFINITELY doesn't sleep through! I'm not following any routine, I just try respond to her needs and settle her for a nap when she begins to look sleepy. She's starting to follow a routine in the morning but it's her leading it.

Please don't be worried about trying to aim for a 7-7 sleep. Relax a bit!

I have a 4mo. At the weekends DH wakes with me, changes baby if needed, makes me a cuppa and we watch tv on the iPad. I’ve not asked him to, he just does. In the week he gets up when DD does, changes her and brings her to me for feeding. When she wasn’t sleeping through he would then take her downstairs until the next feed/until he went to work so I could sleep.

And yes, don’t try for 7-7 sleep. My DD goes down between 8-10 and sleeps to between 5-8 usually and I think that’s good! I was expecting her to still be up 2-3 times each night. Much easier to just go with their routine in my opinion.

Agree with all the above. We didn’t even attempt a proper bedtime til around 4 months or so.

My DH did the dream feed with a bottle at 10.30pm from around a month old. I did all the other feeds (breastfeeding). Gave me a break and more chance to sleep.

Ps- 7-7 sleep- definitely don’t worry about that. Mine didn’t do that until 6 months ds1 and 9 months for ds2.

If your baby is feeding a lot in the evening could you do that downstairs in front of the tv or read something on a kindle if you think being in a dark room helps? I was in a similar situation of ebf and often feeding for a while (although with a more supportive dh) and being able to do something for me while I fed helped me feel better about how long it took.

It's not right my husband would do most night feeds every single night if I didn't have enough sleep in the day or was shattered he would just get up and feed the baby. Then go onto work the next day he was really marvellous at that. And even now 3 years later if our children wake up in the night he has no issue with getting straight up and sitting with them or doing what they are upset for maybe milk or the toilet/ belly ache etc. He's a really good hands on dad I can't fault him on that. Have you spoken to your partner about maybe helping more in the night say a Saturday night for example and give you a lie in? X

Can you not express so your DH can give the baby a bottle?

To wake up to keep you company does sound unreasonable. What would youse talk about when both are half asleep?

He could help settle.

If your EBF, it is limited to the help he can provide at night.