What has happened to my toddler?

[SomebodysNotInBedYet]

DD will be 2 in two weeks time. The past week she has been a total nightmare, and it's been building up for a while before now. It's not a total mystery, she's had a horrible cold and I had to spend a night in hospital (I'm 25 weeks pregnant) so she's obviously struggling with that. The whining has dialled up x100 and my patience has never been so short. It's a viscous circle, she whines, I get uptight, she senses my mood and whines more etc. I've shouted at her and it makes me feel sick when I think how that must make her feel. Logically I know she's just communicating the only way she can but it's doing my head in. She's very verbal but it's all coming out in a whingey tone and it makes everything so much harder. I've never felt like such a crap parent, she's just not happy and I'm not meeting her needs somehow! I've tried getting out the house more which works for a little while but then she starts acting up which I find really difficult to deal with in public. How do I break this cycle? Something needs to change so I can get my happy little girl back. Please be gentle, I don't need to hear from anyone else how badly I'm managing this.

Does she know there's a baby on the way?

Who looked after her when you went to hospital and how was it handled?

I'm not sure, we talk about it and read a story about a baby in mummy's tummy who comes home etc. But she has pointed to her tummy and said baby so I think it's mostly going over her head.

My partner, her dad. He let her sleep next to hi. She came into the hospital ward briefly while they decided whether to admit me for observation or not, which they did. I didn't look ill, no machines or anything, I was just sitting in the bed waiting. But I've not been away overnight before. She usually sleeps all night in her cot so I assumed she wouldn't know the difference but obviously she did.

She may be anxious that you might go away again. Is she sleeping well?
Overtiredness csuses awful behaviour.

It might be that, she's constantly asking for cuddles and cried waiting outside when I got in the shower the past 2 times. I thought that about the sleep, she will still have a nap in the day if I take her for a walk in the pram but it tends to push bedtime back a lot so I'm not sure what's best. I've been going with nap + later bedtime because it gives me a break in the middle of the day 😕

Ah been here. You’re not a crap parent. I realise this might sound patronising and sorry if it does, but this is likely a phase. A testing one as omg the whinging is rage inducing. Plus being pregnant and having to be in hospital is stressful so your tolerance is reduced.

Think of all the tricky baby phases you’ve got through - you’ll get trough this one too. Vent on here, vent in real life if you can.

With her try to be patient and consistent but if you lose your rag apologise. I have to apologise to my 2 y/o on occasion! Good pro social modelling and all that.

We also get by on a bit of bribery.. do x you get y & sending out of room to calm down. In public I’ve done the pick up screaming child and exit stage left. Like many a parent before and many in the future.

She might be worried that you'll go away again, and will also be sensing the impending change re the new baby. When I was in hospital having ds, dd who was exactly 2 at the time asked me if I lived there now! She was very suspicious of the baby and when I got home she also 'needed' a bottle and to be carried everywhere. Not easy when you've had a section!

Give her lots of time and attention when she needs it and tell her stories of how she will be involved when the baby comes. When my son was 2 he was in hospital. When he got better and came home I couldn't read him a story without having to add all our names and "they all lived happy every after all together at home" at the end of every story. Sometimes if the story was looking a bit dodgy, he'd ask me in the middle whether "Mummy, Daddy, DD, DS all live happy every after??"

It was very cute and also very heartbreaking. It's funny how their little minds work.

Well done lady, you are running around after a toddler whilst being pregnant! My first trimester was horrendous and I don't have any toddlers to look after, I can't imagine how hard it must be.

Have you tried using rewards to help your whinny toddler issue? I have 2 step daughters, 5 and 10 when they came into my life. For the first year of them staying over we used a reward system to earn pocket money for holidays. It worked so well, now they just do stuff without even asking They each had their own chart and earned stars for doing tasks like make bed, tidy toys, eat vegetables, be nice to each other. Instead of money you could have a treat box, every time your toddler gets 10 stars she can have a treat out of the box. Get a load of cheap toys, colouring books etc from the works and wrap them up so they are extra special.

Also I wrote the girls letters from the bump explaining how things maybe tough for the first few months and dad and I maybe a bit consumed by baby stuff. We got them a little present from bump too. We also promised a day out with us baby free a few months in, they get to choose a place. This made them understand that we still love them and things will change but we haven't forgotten about them.

Just an idea, maybe worth a try. Good luck xx

My two year old suddenly started needing a bit more sleep and this turned her into a screaming banish until I figured out what was going on.

Which book have you got?

When I was expecting dc2 and dc1 was nearly 2, the one that she clicked with was "there's a house inside my mummy" which we read pretty much daily at her request.

DD was quite verbal, but she seemed to totally get it. We had odd misunderstandings though - she asked to take the baby out (of my tummy) to cuddle and said she'd put him back after and also asked who the baby's mummy would be! I think that might have been because I'd been childminding til the end of the 2nd trimester so she was fine with me looking after other kids but hadn't realised that I could be mummy to another child as well as her, and not send them home with another mummy at the end of the day!

Thank you everyone for responding, pascall and just that's reassuring and helpful. twinkle rewards on some level might work. another it's so hard to know what they need isn't it, I thought she was about ready to drop her nap but she seems to need it more than ever! cat yes that's the one we have. It's funny how they fill in the gaps themselves isn't it!

My DD, also v verbal, went through a whining phase around the time I was going back to work and she was settling in at childminders.

Like you, even though I knew the reason, it slightly did my head in!

As well as giving her lots of affection and attention, when she whined I just used to say, 'could you ask me in your normal voice, please' or 'try again and ask me nicely please' and then give her loads and loads of praise when she did.

And sometimes she did just whining with no words in particular. So I'd say, 'can you please tell me what you want, poppet?' And then jump right to it to give her what she'd asked for when she used her words.

(My tone of voice was nice and sympathetic, I should add! It looks a bit mean written down).

I don't know if that was was the right thing to do but I didn't really want her to stay a whiner, IYSWIM.

Anyway, she stopped.

One of my twins went through a Whiney phase. I read a few tips but the one that worked was demonstrating a whingey voice and saying we don’t talk like this, then telling her ‘we talk normally like this’. When she asks in a normal voice get her the item quickly to reward. Worked in a couple of days. The person writing said they don’t understand what a whingey voice is, they just know talking like that tends to work. So the demonstration was important. Dc find my whingey voice funny, which may have helped.

Forgot to say my twin was very verbal too.

Try a bit of love bombing and lots of attention. They soon get bored of you trying to cuddle them when they're busy playing.
Also the whining, ask her to use her words. Lots of praise for asking nicely.
Rewards don't really work with 2yo, they don't have the ability to link cause and effect.