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Parenting

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Original poster

Worried I am an unkind Mum

21 replies

MtnBikeChick · 18/06/2018 22:57

I have two DD age 8 and 4. I feel like an awful mum. I find parenting hard and I did have PND in the past. I get irritated frequently and I shout at them. I ha r read ALL the books, I try so hard to stop drop and breathe but I just don’t seem to be able to do it. I am worse when hormonal and get really snappy and irritated. When they are up past their bedtime I get really bad as I am just really in need of some personal space. My husband is great and super hands on and I work 4 days pw so I do get a break (at work - love my job). I am worried that my kids are growing up with a cranky unkind mummy and to be honest I think my mum was a lot like that. Feel terrible but can’t break the cycle

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotTakenUsername · 18/06/2018 22:59

You might be putting too much pressure on yourself to be a perfect mum and that makes you even more ‘unkind’.

How do you return from the snappy/irritated outbursts? Are they acknowledged or swept away?

NotTakenUsername · 18/06/2018 23:00

By the way, be prepared for the perfect mummies to come on and make you feel worse - ignore them! You aren’t terrible, you are posting here because you want to improve.

Original poster

MtnBikeChick · 18/06/2018 23:06

I am not sure really - I just get on with it. To be honest my DDs probably think I am like it all the time.

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Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

MtnBikeChick · 18/06/2018 23:06

@nottakenusername thank you!

OP posts:

RosemaryHoight · 18/06/2018 23:09

What fun things do you get to do with them? Or one to one time with each of them?

What would be your ideal working/life balance and are the any things you could put in place to make it more fun for you?

NotTakenUsername · 18/06/2018 23:10

Could you start acknowledging it and apologise? Would that be possible? Could you try to have one fun activity a month?

Once I was really struggling as a crabby mum (‘once’ - ha!) andI just dropped everything and we went to a leisure pool. Up and down silly slides, the adrenaline and the laughing and it just reset everything for a while.

Are your dc allowed to pull you up on your behaviour or is there not that dynamic?

HollowTalk · 18/06/2018 23:13

I was a bit like that and was put on betablockers for a month - I didn't notice a difference for three weeks, but by the end of the month I felt much, much better. I was just able to deal with things better and not react to things that irritate me.

Would you speak to your doctor?

FramptonRose · 18/06/2018 23:16

I could have written that post!!!
Literally most of my mum friends at the moment are all going through the same thing too.
I feel like I am thinking of a million things at once, then I have three DC, a million questions a day, homework, fussy eaters and the list goes on and I literally count down the hours until bedtime some days (most days)
We are all human, we are not robots! Don't be too hard on yourself.
I find sometimes I have to stop myself and count to five before I answer and just keep reminding myself that they are little and I am mum and I am their world.
I don't always achieve that but I am quite open with the DC now (they are 9, 7 and 5) and explain that mummy does all the driving to and from school, the housework, the homework, bath time, referees arguments, standing on a freezing cold pitch watching them play football for an hour and sometimes mummy is tired and just needs give minutes peace. I find they do get it and as they have gotten older, they are far more understanding.

FramptonRose · 18/06/2018 23:18

Do you have a dp/dh that could give you an afternoon to yourself.
My DH works long hours and away from home a lot but when he does take the kids for a few hours just so I can have some me time, it makes a massive difference x

bluechameleon · 18/06/2018 23:20

My 3 year old said "you're not being nice to me today" the other day and it broke my heart. I find it helps to have a kiss/cuddle and change the mood by doing something silly or nice, then if necessary talk about what happened later. I also think apologising is really important.

Timeisslippingaway · 19/06/2018 07:49

I feel a bit like you OP. I'm sure I suffered with PND with my second, but I told no one and lied to the health visitors that I felt fine. I've always been a bit hot headed though.
I try my very best to be patient and I am most of the day. I really do get no time to myself. I work from home so am around the kids all the time. I think this is half the problem. I have no hobbies, I don't see friends withought kids (once the other day for lunch for an hour and a half. Was the first time in 4 years).

IttyBittyKitty · 19/06/2018 08:03

This was me, too, when my kids were younger. I have PTSD. Like you, I read parenting books and constantly tried to do better, but my reactions were beyond my control and I was a frequent yeller who wasn't able to be the kind of mum my kids (any kids) needed. I remember thinking it'd never change, that this is just who I was, a bad mum (and a shitty person).

I sought therapy in the end, and can't tell you how much it helped. In working on my own trauma, everything changed. Slowly at first, but today (about five years after stopping therapy) I am the mum I want to be and we have a great bond as a family. It was NOT about motherhood at all, but about my own mental health.

In starting this thread it's clear that you want to do right by your kids. You're not unkind. You do have a problem and if parenting books aren't helping, maybe you could consider therapy too? Or at least books about self-care?

Hugs. It CAN get better.

Original poster

MtnBikeChick · 19/06/2018 08:34

Thanks everyone. I feel like I do get time to myself as I don’t work on Wednesday’s and the kids are at school during the term. I have help at home. I get to go to the gym once over the weekend so get a couple of hours alone. I think maybe some
Counselling will help but not entirely sure what about or where to start

OP posts:

Deandre · 19/06/2018 08:40

Well to be honest you don’t sound great to live with....sounds like you didn’t enjoy your mum much either as a child. Pull yourself into check....remember they are your kids, would you talk to a stranger on the street like that? Would you talk to someone else’s young children like that? All snappy and shout? If the answer is no, why are treating strangers better than your kids. You need to be reminded that you love them, that they are important to you, very important. Before you go into a rage or get snappy....tell yourself you need to remember who it is your talking to! That these are your kids and that they matter.

Hope that works for you...for you and your kids.

IttyBittyKitty · 19/06/2018 08:41

Going to counselling for the first time is awkward and scary, but as long as the method of talk therapy is suited to your needs and you mesh OK with the therapist, it gets easier fast. Perhaps do some research on different kinds of therapy and see what appeals to you? I did cognitive behavioural therapy first, which was pretty helpful and had quick results. Every session helped, and there was homework to put into practice at home.

Original poster

MtnBikeChick · 19/06/2018 11:02

That was a really helpful and supportive response! @deandre. Not.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 19/06/2018 11:42

Ah look, there’s one of those perfect mummies now...

ButterflyOfFreedom · 19/06/2018 12:02

I feel the same sometimes. Absolutely adore my DC (5 & 3), miss them when I'm not with them but end up shouting at them 5 mins after being with them!!
I'm hot headed, impatient and just 'snap' sometimes. But then other times I know I'm fun, funny, silly and can have a great time with them!
I think it depends on how I'm feeling and my own mental health. I have OCD and if it's been a particularly hard day I feel down, stressed and DC (& DH) take the brunt - which I hate.

I was going to ask about apologising to DC- do people do this? Mine are only 5 & 3 - I do feel I should say sorry for shouting but also don't want to give them.mixed messages, ie. sometimes there is a need to be firm with them.

Blondemother · 19/06/2018 14:35

I only have one toddler so not as much experience as previous posters, but if I get shouty I do say sorry afterwards.
I reiterate that such and such a behaviour is not nice, but that I shouldn’t have shouted, let’s have a hug.
I would not give in to unreasonable demands or go back on any punishment dished out, but I think saying sorry if I flip out helps things get back on track quicker.

Knitjob · 19/06/2018 14:40

I get grumpy. Really grumpy. But I recognise it's happening and try to say I'm sorry, I'm really short on patience today, please do/don't do xyz. It's not your fault I'm grumpy. And I say "it's grown up time now, it's 8pm (or whatever). My patience for today is all used up, I'm sorry. You need to be in bed now. I love you and we will chat again in the morning".
Just tell them what you are feeling. It's ok to be grumpy. No-one is perfect. Kids are rarely perfect. They will understand.

AnneOfCleavage · 20/06/2018 10:35

Butterfly absolutely do apologise. My parents never apologised as it was always us kids that had to then we'd get a "I should think so and now get out of my sight" type response and vowed I'd never do that to mine.

I have shouted / been snappy or impatient many times but I apologise for my part and find DD to be so sweet in response and she'll say "No mummy it was me and I'm sorry" so we hug it out and chat amicably. She will come and find me and hug me when she's been snappy (teenager so both of us get hormonal) and I love that she is like this and hope she'll be the same with her DC.

Years ago adults were always "right" so children had to back down but now I feel children should pull us up on our behaviour as they copy our example. Obviously not in a rude way. DD will say she feels I'm not listening or whatever and then I realise I need to stop and take stock as their childhood is over so quick.

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