8 year old punishment? Too far?

[NotSoThinLizzy]

Just wondering before I start if this is going to far?

Basically all week she has been horrible hitting, biting, scratching and throwing things ect...I've tried the typical punishments e.g. take away tv time and grounding but nothing works. I've asked school if anything has happened at school but nothing she's been perfectly behaved only at home. Mostly when she can't get her own way.

Anyways I'm thinking of stripping her room of all toys, Xbox and t.v. and getting her to earn them back when she's good. Is it going to far?

Way too far.

Have you had a chat with her when she is calm to find out if she can say what the problem is. 8yo don't normally behave like that for no reason - especially if it is out of character.

Bullying
Friendship issues
changes in circumstance at home
etc

I'm sorry to sound rude, but this isn't typical 8 year old behaviour in my experience.

If it were me, I'd be discussing it with the school and her GP.

It sounds really difficult

If this behaviour is unusual for her, I would be trying to find out why she is behaving this way. Have you spoken with her? Don't give in to unreasonable demands, but I think that the punishment you describe is to extreme.

A week of early nights sorts my dd right out. And I tell her it's because her behaviour has made me want to spend less time with her!!
She is old enough to grasp her behaviour affects you!!

You haven’t told us her explanation for her behaviour.

I would take the xbox and TV out of her room and not give them back. But not as a punishment - more because you may have no idea what she is doing or watching.

I agree with others about needing to find out what is going on. Early nights are not a bad idea.

I personally think earning thing back might be too hard a goal. If she does one thing wrong then there will be no incentive to be good after that.

You need to punish each incident as it happens. What have you been doing so far to deal with it?

Is she getting enough sleep? A tv and x box in her bedroom must be really tempting after lights out, are you sure she’s not staying up late gaming?
As pp said, talk to her and try to find out what’s going on for her.
But maybe at some point (not as a punishment) remove tv and x box to where you can supervise. Best of luck.

Oh yes - I hadn't realised the X box and TV were in her room! Much too young for that - remove, but as others have said, not as a punishment, just because it is wrong!

My 8 year old can be horrendous, and has no explanation for her behaviour

Op- I think you should remove the tv and x box but say to her that she must be very tired so her room is just going to be for sleeping, now. Then, try and get her to bed early.

Don't do this. I've never heard of anyone who's tried that and had it work (stripping the room.) It just sets up a horrible battlefield between you and her. Thinsg will get worse. Why should she start to behave well if your reaction to her is cruel and high-handed?

Instead, take her out for a walk somewhere or cuddle up on the sofa with her, and say you are concerned about her. That she's seemed very upset this week, not her usual calm and happy self. Is there anything you can do to help her feel better?

Then (I know I always trot this out, but it does work) choose a really comfortable chair, put cushions and a soft toy on it, a favourite book or non screen game, a soft blanket, and tell her when she feels out of control to go to the cosy chair and takes as much time as she needs to settle herself until she feels better. She can do this if she bites, fights, cries, whatever. It's not a naughty step and it's not a punishment. It's a way of teaching a child how to self-soothe and control her own emotions. Tell her, if she gets difficult, to give herself some time in the chair and then you'll chat when she feels ready.

Even now DS2 comes in from school and settles himself in the cosy chair for an hour with the cat to decompress from the over stimulation of a school day. It's very cute. He's 16 and has ASD.

Chances are she's either ailing for osmething (DC always turned horrible before getting ill) or, more likely, having a massive hormone surge. Girls hit puberty much younger these days and it could be like PMT buit in a child. I'd use sympathy and concern as the first tactics. Once she's calm you can discuss why biting is never acceptable and how the person on the receiving end of it feels.

The tv and Xbox arnt connect to the internet so all she has is dvd 😊 she has outburst but usually it's only once a week then it's over and done with. It's when I won't let her do something so this morning she wanted hair chalk in before school and I said no so that started off an hour of screaming and hitting purely because I wouldn't give her what she wanted

I would take the tv and xbox out of the room. Only because this shouldnt be happening at 8

What kind of games has she got?
Has she got online access?

Does she play late into the night, after you have gone to bed, if you dont think so, do you 100% know this?

Treat it like a toddler tantrum. Make sure she is safe, then disengage. Walk away, ignore. Don't get drawn into further discussion. You've said no - that's it.

I would try and bring her closer rather than create a battlefield between you.

Stay really calm.

“I can’t really talk to you when you shout at me. Could you talk in a happy tone of voice?”
“Please use your words, not your hands. Come and sit on the sofa, and use your words”

Check in with her. When she is calm, and before bed set up a system:
What made you smile today?
What made you feel worried today?
If you had a sticker chart, who would you give a star to?
Who would get a red card?

Listen and accept, validate her answers.

Are you explaining calmly why she can’t have her own way?

It sounds really hard but I would explore more before diving into escalating punishments.

That sounds like very extreme behaviour for an 8 year old. Is it new? A 2 pronged approach of discipline and trying to work with her to get a handle on her temper might work. Talk to her about how she feels and try to get her to recognise when her anger is rising before it gets out of control. Then she can use some of the tactics like the chair mentioned above. Maybe keep a diary and try and work out what's triggering it. I know with ds too much screen time turns him into a moody little sod.

I think stripping her room might escalate things but the hair chalks would be gone for the foreseeable.

I'm putting my dd's behaviour down to hormones, tbh.

In the hair chalk example, I'd say she can have it on at the weekend but only if she calms down and behaves. If she doesn't, then she can't have it at the weekend. So her choice would be- at the weekend or not at all.

My dd doesn't hit/bite/scratch, though....maybe there is something else going on with her?

It's anything like if I dont let her have sweets before bed or wear something that's not appropriate. I've tried the whole calm down thing talk to her nicely and the walk away bit but then she just redirects it onto something or someone else or follows me wherever I go to keep at me. I've tried a cosy corner where she has a book spot ect but she just dosent wanna go there. I've also tried the whole punching a pillow and deep breathing.

Is it recent?

Is it just you and her?

I never let my DC have TV in their room, I'd rather they watched where others are or at least dropping in.

I would try to make some 1 on 1 time with her. And discuss her behaviour, but also try to find out what is wrong. It could be: something at school - is she holding in her feelings at school and lashing out at home? Somebody being nasty to her? Going down with something? A hormone surge? Or lots of other things.

If punishment isn't working - then try something else! Yes remove TV etc. but not as punishment but as healthier living. Try more exercise. Check on diet. Work on bed times.
If she is following you when you try to leave her alone - then that is another sign that she is really unhappy - but just doesn't know what is wrong.
And teachers can often say everything is fine at school - when it isn't - especially with compliant children.

It isn't recent per say it's just gotten worse and more frequent. It's me her dad and baby brother who is 9 months. She was perfect when he was born so don't really think it's that. She goes to bed at 8 and is up at half 7 to get ready for school diet isn't as good as it would be (she's seeing someone for that) she had a period where kids where calling her fat (she's on the 2nd percentile line) so no where near fat

I think it could be new baby - it was a novelty when he arrived. Good fun being the big sister. Has now realised he is here to stay. He is becoming more active and taking up more of your time. 8 years is a long time to be the centre of attention and then have it taken away. (Not saying that this is what has actually happened, just how your DD may be seeing it).

She could be feeling jealous, left out, neglected, uncertain of her place in the family, unsure of how her parents feel about her etc

Lots of love, reassurance, attention and if possible 1 on 1 activities. I really don't think extreme punishments are the answer.

8 is old for behaviour like that. My 5 year old can be quite nasty but it's always because he's not had enough sleep.

Yeah I thought it was extreme but had two people say to to me to do it. It happened to me when I was little and I started to think well it dosent matter how I behave as I don't have anything to lose 😊 her dad took her and a friend out to the circus yesterday and set up a movie with nibbles and snacks that we all watched baby was asleep I make as much time for her as I can. Need to split myself into two 😂😂