Toxic mother

[Kelwar]

Hi, I've posted recently about my mum inheriting £20k from her mothers cousin who she has never met.. to give you a quick overview, my parents divorced when I was 4 my brother 6 and my mum met a rich man and I was sent to boarding school at 6years old... my mother has never really been there for me and was delighted when I moved out at 18 and never really came to visit me in all the homes that I had lived in. Money wise she would huffand puff if I needed money so I just stopped asking.. she has lead a nice life holidaying and living abroad. So recently she inherited a bit of money, as did her sister (my aunty) , my aunty has always been generous And has given my cousin £3500 and wants to take her on a spa break.. my mum was chatting to my aunty about This and I was lead to believe (by my cousin) we were all going and my mum was treating me as a surprise, but when we met the other day she said that she didn't want to spend the money as she had to make it last for 3years.. but in a really moany way..I was really hurt as it was another thing to add to a huge list of things she seems to resent doing with me.. I wasn't asking for money, the spa break would have been lovely and it's more about the sentiment... we popped to the shops and she bought herself some new clothes and didn't offer me even a top or anything for my children... I feel really hurt.. she sent me a message telling me I'm a nasty person for questioning the spa break and that it wasn't never a real conversation with my aunty about us going.. so now I'm just ignoring her as I can't trust myself to say anything nice. Am I being nasty?

This sounds like a horrid situation, I have a similar sounding mum, whilst I was not sent to boarding school I was definitely neglected of the love and support a mother should provide. You sound like you would have liked to spend time with her doing something nice, and she has twisted it to make you feel bad even though she had already mentioned the plans to your aunty and cousin. She sounds very toxic. It is a sad situation. Can you speak with friends or even your cousin, I am sure they will support you in agreeing her behaviour is vile.
I had to cut my mum out of my life, I feel sad it came to that, but my life is better without her toxicity. I will be watching with interest to see what others say.

My df won a vast amount of cash, enough for a 3 bed house outright.
Never occurred to him to treat me (only dc) or his dgc.
Not grabby to have lack of thought /love shoved in your face.

I think I am going to have to phase her out, how did you do it? I'm dreading the conversation as she will no doubt go mad and become abusive.. we fell out a couple of years ago as she had ruined my 40th birthday, she turned up hungover and ate and left by 9.30.. I was so upset seeing as I'd only invited her my stepdad, my brother, my sister in law and their children... the meal at my house had started at 6pm... after that we had a blazing row and didn't speak for 6months... the guilt eventually got the better of me and I made up with her.. and I even apologised!! She re writes history and has accused my brother and I of exaggerating things that have happened in the past.. she has a nice side and sometimes I wonder if I am wrong to be so harsh and then she does things like this and I am reminded of the selfish woman she has always been .. thanks for your empathy.. it's such a hard thing to go through.. I'm sure once it's over I will feel better about it all

I am also nc with my df (+dm) Despite her pity party letters, I stayed fast and ignored.
Df never tried to make contact.
My dc do not need gps like them

And I def am better off without any dps.

My mother is a naracassist and I had a miserable childhood. My mother herself had a terrible childhood and was sent herself at a very young age to boarding school, I don’t think she knew herself what decent parenting was. Anyway.....

I have learnt over the years that you can’t change these people. I’ve always been the ‘scapegoat’ - picked on and belittled. My brother has always been ‘the golden child’.

For years I knew things weren’t right, but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and doubted myself. After years of boyfriends saying to me (unprompted) ‘your mum isn’t very nice to you’..... I had had enough. So I stopped calling her (which stopped the Sunday night dread for me). At Christmas I sent a card and present and got nothing from her (she’s alienated herself from all of the family). It was my birthday last week and she doesn’t didn’t call. But you know what.... it was a relief as I don’t have to speak to her, feel bullied any longer (she treats me like a child. I’m a very confident women in my 40’s).

The point to my story is. Your mum hasn’t been very nice to you. Sending a child away to boarding school at 6 years old is cruel. I wouldn’t even have the conversation with her, just go NC. You can’t reason with these women. You can only control how you feel and how you react. I don’t expect anything from my mum (she buys my brother card, is forever giving him handouts). You know what, I don’t care anymore.

Good luck OP.

Gosh she sounds just like my mum! Completely selfish and manipulative! Pulling similar stunts resulting in not speaking for long periods then the guilt and apologies. She can appear nice, occasionally, but underneath there is venom!

I actually wrote a letter detailing why I did not want her in my life anymore, it was very frank, but I knew I would get abuse and torment if I spoke with her rationally about it.

I received a reply, saying none of what I said was true and she's legally entitled to see dgc! As if that is ever going to happen! Showed her true colours and she hasn't bothered me since!

I don't have contact with my df either so it's a double whammy rejection really.. but I have a great husband and beautiful children so I have a lovely family of my own.. I don't need to crap that comes with her.. she is def a narcissist and everything is about her and how she feels.. she doesn't ever go to my brother's house (he loves about an hour away) to see her other grandchildren as she doesn't like motorway driving, yet she has driven across Europe several times.. even as I'm writing this it seems mad that I give her the time of day! Thank you all for your responses.. it's good to know I'm not alone with a rubbish mum..

And my mum will def go down the legal root of trying to see my children.. to be honest even they don't seem that fussed when she is about, children know when someone isn't great.. she has promised my son so many trips out and sleep overs at her which never happen..

Infact she's justvtext me to ask my why she can't pick my son up this week from school.. blanking the text as I know whatever I respond she won't like and therefore I'll just get called a nasty bitch

I have very much the same parenting at @NorthernSpirit I have done well in life through sheer hard work and persistence but I’m the scapegoat and have suffered emotional abuse from both parents. My sibling is lazy, debt ridden and feckless yet is the golden child because he’s nicer person (code for kisses ass as he needs their handouts). It takes a long time to realise it’s them not you after years of being bullied, controlled and criticised. You are not alone

Your dm has no legal rights to your dc. And a solicitor will happily tell her that.
My nc dm kept trying to contact my dc behind my back. I left her a voicemail telling her I would go down the legal route to keep her away. Maybe an idea for you also.

@Tara336 - exactly the same for me with my brother! Your post completely resonates with me.

@NorthenSpirit my DM fairly recently admitted she picks at me all the time because it’s “not worth trying to tell your brother” in other words because she gets a reaction from me it’s worth it for her be it negative or otherwise. And example would be home ownership. I bought my first home at 21 and climbed the property ladder. My DM is obsessed with owning your home. My marriage broke up I met someone and we chose to rent together for a short while. My DM at EVERY opportunity would comment on this. We have now bought ourselves a flat and a house as we have decided that it isn’t right for us not due to her nagging/whining. My sibling on the other hand lives in a rented hovel and has done for over 20 years, it’s filthy, the roof is falling in (too lazy to tell landladywho lives downstairs) but me renting temporarily was the biggest drama you can imagine! golden child escapes all of the crap.

My daughters graduation was ruined by both parents but mainly DM screamed abuse at me in front of the whole faculty and families etc this was after she had been very rude to other families during graduation for “getting on her nerves” and after my father had very loudly (so the whole lecture theatre heard) been very rude about another students work (who had just won an award for it)

The list and the stress they cause is never ending