Too critical?

[pineapple22]

I have an 8 year old DD. She's my only daughter (I have two very young boys as well) and the light of my life and my best friend. However, I don't know why but I find myself overly critical of her and moaning at her all the time!

I don't mean to do it, and I tell myself when she's at school that I won't do it today, I'll be a better mum, we'll have fun together and I won't moan at her. But then she'll come out of school with her hair hanging out, or her shoes on the wrong feet or telling me she's lost the toy I told her not to take in anyway and I just lose it!

I find every 3rd sentence or so to her is me saying "tuck your shirt in, wipe your face, sort out your hair, close your mouth when you eat" etc and she must be thinking God woman lighten up!

I love her to death, I really do, and I don't want to be a nag and for her primary memory of me being somebody who always moaned at her and criticised her all the time. Is this normal or do I sound as excessive as I fear??

You've noticed it OP....so that's a good thing. It's some people's "normal" but you've recognised it as not being a good thing. I used to be very particular with my oldest DD about her hair and clothes etc....but when I had DD2 who was very wild....and still is....I realised that it was my fear of being judged by others that made me pick on her all the time.

It's societies expectation that girls should look a certain way...you need to let it go. Was your own Mum like that?

You need to look at those issues and decide which ones are important. Does it matter if her has come undone? For the toy let her deal with the natural consequences.

If you think you are treating her different because she is a girl then you need to pause and ask yourself if you would think the same if she was a boy.

Yes I have noticed and I try to correct myself, which is the only thing that makes me feel a little better about it. And she isn't miserable, we have a good time together and I do explain all the time how much I love her and how perfect she is to me and I say sorry when I lose my rag.

It's not all about the way she looks either. It's things like shutting her bedroom door so her brothers can't get in and choke on her small toys which I've told her 1000 times about, or taking her rubbish back to the bin if she's had something to eat etc. I know all parents nag kids about this stuff, but honestly it's like it just ruins my day and I lose it with her! I don't know why I can't let the little things go, I hate the sound of my own voice sometimes.

I don't think it's because she's a girl, and I worry I'll be the same with my sons when they're older. No my parents weren't like this with me, I was allowed to look and act how I wanted but I remember the awful embarrassment I felt when I grew up and realise how my friend's parents were seeing me. Maybe it's that?

The thing that stands out for me in your post is that you say ‘she’s the light of my life and my best froehd’.

Your daughter shouldn’t be your best friend. You’re the adult, she’s the child, you should parent her, not put untoward pressure on her.

Mothers desperate to be their daughters best friends create a generation of dependent and spoilt young women ill equipped to cope with the adult world. You need to let go and let her be a child.

Randomly I would recommend the kids but meet the parents. It starts off by saying your parents nag you all the time (which sounds similar to you) but then goes on to say more things your parents do like look after you, sort our messes etc. It’s quite sweet

Oh I do parent NorthernSpirit, I do see the distinction and the boundaries are there. Funnily, it's always me reminding my friends that our kids are not friends and I'm known as the strict parent. But as a mother and daughter we're close, she bought me a best friends keyring thing that she takes one half to school and I have the other half on my keys (her idea!) and I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends with our kids as well as their parent. It's done in a healthy way, I don't smother her, I promise :) But I am desperate for us to get on when she's grown, I don't have a good relationship with my parents and that's partly why I posted here, because I can see us not having a good relationship if I keep criticising and nagging her, and I really want better for us both. I do need to let her be a child, you are right. I just don't know how to switch the irritation off!!

Digestive28 - did you mean kids book? I had a quick google and can see one by Peter Bently and the description sounds like what you said. I will look into that, thank you! My nagging does come from a good place and I hope she can see that one day and I hope I can tone it down in the meantime.

Thank you all!

Maybe if you are considering her your best friend your expectations are too high. She is after all a dc.

Oh god, I have my own best friend and lots of mum friends, and she has her own best friend her age, I swear I'm not smothering her or expecting her to come out drinking with me or anything lol! Maybe I phrased it wrong, I was just explaining that I don't hate or resent my child, we're very close, I just don't know how to let the little things go. Sorry if I worded it wrong

I've seen a thing where you wear a number of bands or small bracelets on one wrist. Every time you find yourself saying something negative that's probably unecessary then you move one bracelet to the other wrist. It becomes a very physical reminder of your behaviour, and can really help!

P.S. You sound like a great mum, and I'm sure your daughter will still love you lots when she's grown up!

I'm definitely friends with my DD"s. We have a laugh together a lot. I think you just meant that didn't you OP? Nothing wrong with that.

Don't worry too much....maybe you could get a baby gate on DD's door?