Can I have your advice on shyness

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Hello, my son (8) is painfully shy particularly around adults eg. If someone said “how old are you?” He just freezes and looks to me to answer for him. He’s always been like it and I’ve just put it down to him being a child and not made a big deal about it but now he’s 8 im noticing his peers are quite good at talking to adults now. He’s the same around new or older kids but really he has got a big personality so I feel like I need to help him with this, but have no idea how. Any suggestion? Things that have worked?

Maybe some kind of out of school club related to his interests might help?

Does he speak ok to teachers at school?

I have a similar 8yo. Painfully shy as the phrase goes. Some advice I have received and am in the process of implementing:

Find something he's really good at and nurture it so that he becomes brilliant at it. I've tried guitar, tennis and we're now on gardening. He knows my plants are only alive because of him and is growing loads of veg. Before this he wouldn't really speak to grandma, now he can tell her about his plants because he's interested in it and so is she. She saw it as a breakthrough because he was able to speak to her.

He's also good with computers and is a "digital ambassador" at school, helping younger kids. Very slowly becoming happy to help but obviously feels weird doing it.

Have a 1-10 chart somewhere so he can indicate how stressful he finds a situation without having to put it into words. Means we can help and can do something to help. So if he's on 8 we can do something that calms him to bring him back down to 3 or 4.

I told him I thought I needed help to help him so was thinking about asking a gp and school and he said he would be ok with that because being shy made him feel sad because it made his day hard.

It's a very long process but there are techniques that you can use and if school get involved that's even more helpful.

Thank you for your replies. He is in lots of clubs that he really enjoys (football,beavers etc) and he has nice friends that he is very happy to mess around with but if his coach is trying to talk to him he won’t answer and will walk away.
He can’t even say hello to people he knows. I can’t see how awkward he is and I really feel for him. I’d really like to help. Any reccommendations would be great fully received

Drama is fab for shy kids. Would he like that?

Have you considered selective mutism? My DD has this and we're just about to start an intensive treatment program for it. I'm not looking forward to it but very much looking forward to her being able to communicate freely. She's low profile, so able to speak in some situations but freezes in many others. I thought she was shy too.

Currently I can’t imagine him doing drama but maybe that’s what he needs.

That’s interesting about an intensive treatment program - tell me more!

What's wrong with being shy? I was a very shy child and have grown into a not quite so shy adult without any intervention. I don't understand why it is always perceived as a bad thing? We're all different!

In this case it makes him very anxious, withdrawn and unhappy. That is why I want to help him if I can

I was this child. I remember being told off by a teacher because she said hello as she passed me in the corridor and I could muster was a slight head down smile.

I found as I got older and I became aware that shyness can be limiting I would deliberately do things to push me out of my comfort zone when it came to communication. I remember once forcing myself to ask a stranger in the street the time. I then started up a little conversation and found out he had just signed up to the same college course I was doing and he's still my friend 20 years later!

I think what would have helped me was someone to push me outside of my comfort zone before I was able to do it for myself. But I think this needs to be done carefully so the overall experience is positive and not just terrifying. I love the PPs suggestion of a 1 to 10 chart so you know when your pushing it too far. And I also agree drama sounds like a great idea. It doesn't give many opportunities for you DS sit quietly at the back and avoid taking part.

There's a difference between being shy and being selectively mute, and I agree that we should celebrate our differences but for my DD I've decided that we do need to tackle it. She has a few additional needs so I've been very resistant to undertaking therapy before because she has always had different interventions going on and quite frankly I'd like her to have a childhood. However she is now able to verbalise to me how upsetting it is when it happens and is very clear she'd like things to be different, so we're starting this summer.

Selectively mute children want to talk, it's anxiety that prevents them from being able to do so. My DD can take part in school plays for example, because it is preprepared speech - there's no pressure about what she's going to say because the hard bit has been done for her. She can't however speak in the playground, in a shop, to most adults (whether she knows them or not) and shuts down and freezes. The 'freeze' is very obvious in her, eyes wide, head turned to the side and no attempts at all to engage. Unlike the loud gregarious child I have at home! We're going to do the sliding in technique, I have a SALT lined up. I'll be honest in saying I was very sceptical and resistant to all this at the start, and thought she was just shy and may grow out of it. The more I've researched the more it's made sense to me and all the research suggests early intervention is best for the child, so I'm rolling with it now. Unfortunately in my area NHS SALT will not see her as she can speak and her referral to CAMHS was rejected so I'm paying privately. I may have to lose a kidney to pay for it but I'm convinced it's the right step for her.

He’ll grow out of it. Please don’t put him in positions where he has to ‘be out of his comfort zone’. That would be absolutely awful, and anyone suggesting that can’t possibly understand an exceptionally shy 8 year old.

It's not about understanding a shy 8 year old, it's about understanding the OPs child which none of us do. The OP has asked for advice which they can choose to take or ignore.

"He'll grow out of it" is not advice.

Your child is an introvert (and won’t grow out of it). It’s about learning ways to make sure your child can get the most out of experiences.

I’m very highly extrovert, as is my partner. He has 2 children (my DSC) - ones very extrovert and one extremely introverted. It’s woeth remembering that extroverts get their energy from other people, introverts from themselves.

This is worth a read:

www.quietrev.com/15-ways-to-parent/

Look up selective mutism, OP. Friend didn't realise her DD has it until the girl was 10yo. Had a very limited vocab with adults. It's not just shyness. Her DD learned to speak fine to adults, by the way, but was a journey.

I found this information sheet really useful to help me think about my DD and how she presents. It helped me consider her reactions in different situations and think about her personality in general. www.selectivemutism.org.uk/info-quiet-child-or-selective-mutism/

My dd was in after-school drama in KS1, and it helped. She is now still not very confident or outgoing but has learned to answer for herself and cope with talking to new people. Her teachers tell me, she doesn't often put her hand up in class. To which dd says, Miss/Sir, I prefer to listen. Fair enough.

I am an introvert, as is my husband. We have learned to cope with our shyness in our own ways. I have a version of me that, professionally, seems like I am quite outgoing, but in reality, I am hating every minute! My husband takes cues from the person speaking to him, and repeats a lot of what that person says back to them in order to give the person the power to carry forward the conversation! We both try and give eye contact but it is very hard!

My DD now 10 has been like this for as long as I can remember, i assumed it was just her personality some people are extrovert some introvert, anyway her school has this year referred her to CAHMS as they say she is shy and anxious.

Anyway 10 sessions later and I have a more confident DD it might be worth speaking to the school, I now have ways to help her and she understands how to help herself.