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Original poster

DH shouting at DD (5) - what do I do?

19 replies

alligatorsmile · 14/06/2018 16:14

DH is always shouting at DD - has done since she was about 2. It has become worse in the last year or so, to the point where it is affecting all three of us. She has started becoming aggressive at school, and I'm sure it's to do with the horrible atmosphere at home.

I know lots of people shout at their kids sometimes - if you've never lost your sh*t you're a better woman than I am! But this is relentless. It's every day. She can't do ANYTHING right. How do I stop this? I've talked to him about it a couple of times but it hasn't improved. Last night he scared her, going off the deepend at her. How do I improve their relationship when I'm not around? (I work full time and am out of the house twelve hours a day)

OP posts:
Ladygaggia · 14/06/2018 16:17

Oh poor girl.
I left my exH for a number of reasons, but the final straw was they way he shouted and lectured our DD.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable. That he needs to seek help for his anger issues - and that you will leave him and take DD out of the environment that is so detrimental to her - if he does not get help.

He needs to do this.

lostinsunshine · 14/06/2018 16:21

My late Dad was a shouter. I loved him and miss him but it made things horrible. Particularly Christmas Day until the day he dropped the gravy boat and we all pissed ourselves laughing at him. It took years of horribleness before we got there. Apparently, his Dad was a shouter too. It's not a good thing.
All I can suggest is that you a) ask him to change his approach because it makes everyone miserable and b) ask him to work on finding a common interest with her even if that means something you aren't interested in so much.

MissionItsPossible · 14/06/2018 16:24

What does he say when you tell him not to shout at her? What are some of the reasons he shouts at her?

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Sistersofmercy101 · 14/06/2018 16:27

Hiya OP, it sounds from your post as if this has gone far beyond an occasional discipline issue to verbal abuse. (and I say this as gently as possible ) .
You should speak to you dds school / h.v./ drs to access help for her but also you need to stop this problem at its source - email your husband and lay out that unless he takes concrete steps to access real actual help - anger management and parenting courses - you will have to protect your daughter from him.
(Apologies if this sounds extreme but you've said that your child is showing signs of trauma - acting out with aggressive behaviour )
Good luck Flowers

BananaToffo · 14/06/2018 16:28

It's emotional abuse, OP...nothing less. How your daughter sees herself in relation to other people is being formulated now and will affect her for the rest of her life.

"Stop abusing our child on a daily basis or leave" is what you should say to him.

Original poster
alligatorsmile · 14/06/2018 16:29

Yes, his dad is a shouter, I'm sure that's just what he's modelling, but that's not DD's fault.

He's been quite receptive and OK with me talking to him about it, as I've framed it as "we" need to think more about how we talk to her and "we" need to work on not shouting as much. Which is true, because as I say we all go over the edge sometimes. But it seems to slip his mind and within hours or days he's back to yelling and sniping and just generally aggressive in tone.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 14/06/2018 16:31

Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't stop treating her like this, the relationship is over. She doesn't deserve this.

Original poster
alligatorsmile · 14/06/2018 16:31

Do you know what, six months ago even I wouldn't even have thought about it but now it crosses my mind every day - could DD and I get by without him etc. I do NOT want to leave him, but this is getting intolerable. I think PPs are right, it's tipping over into emotional abuse.

OP posts:
lostinsunshine · 14/06/2018 16:36

Ask him to imagine how he'd feel if he saw a boyfriend shouting at her when she's older. Normalising this way of treating her is not on.

notapizzaeater · 14/06/2018 16:38

Does he shout at you ? Would he like her husband to shout at her ?

It could make her think that abusive shouty men are ok,

Original poster
alligatorsmile · 14/06/2018 16:41

That's a very good point. Thanks everyone, this has been upsetting me and I don't know who to talk to about it.

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 14/06/2018 16:43

You need to be really, really tough with your H about this, as endlessly shouting at a child is abusive. It is awful for your DD to think that her father thinks that everything she does is wrong and she needs to be shouted at all the time. Already you are saying that she is showing signs of being unhappy by becoming aggressive at school - she is learning that being aggressive is ok, because that is what her Dad does all the time at home.

If you can't deal with this on your own, then you need to get help to deal with it and you need to tell your H that you are getting help, so he knows how serious this is.

Original poster
alligatorsmile · 14/06/2018 17:02

What sort of help is there, do you think, is it a whole family counselling sort of thing, or maybe him by himself? I think part of it is frustration at being at home with her for more time than I am - at weekends he tends to do his own thing or work, and she spends hours with just me.

He's been withdrawing from family life in that he is always on his phone or laptop, whether we're at home or out and about. I find it plain rude, but I also worry that it's sending the message to our FIVE YEAR OLD that she is boring, an inconvenience

OP posts:
Goawayquickly · 14/06/2018 17:05

I have a child in therapy due to her dad being like this. I left as soon as I could and I'm trying to mend the damage. Honestly leave.

lostinsunshine · 14/06/2018 17:09

Speak to your GP who may know better what services are available in your area.

namechanged77 · 14/06/2018 17:11

Hi @alligatorsmile Sorry to hear how things are with you. It is definitely sounds like more than just normal telling off and could be classed as emotional abuse. There is help available - your local Women's Aid branch is worth a call and there will be a bit of social services that can offer advice too.

There are parenting resilience aids around - might be Google-able.

He definitely shouldn't be talking to your DC this way.

Thanks to you and her.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 14/06/2018 17:11

Your last post makes me think there is a bigger picture and not a nice one.

NorthernSpirit · 14/06/2018 17:20

Your husband is an emotional bully.

My mum was / is a shouter and abused me for years in this way (still does and i’m An adult in my 40’s).

Your DH can’t express his feelings so uses shouting as a way to dominate. It’s not heathy. He needs help.

My neighbor constantly shouted at her kids from when they were babies. You could hear it all the time. Oldest boy is now around 5 - I heard him shout recently ‘f@ck off mum’. She’s created the monster (I mean in that problem). It’s learnt behaviour.

This might be worth a read:

www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com/content/kids/art4166.html

GruffaloPants · 14/06/2018 17:25

Family therapy.

If he doesn't make an amazing transformation, leave. If you keep her in this environment you'll ruin her life. Don't be sure her long term relationship with you would survive either. I know it's easy for people on the Internet to pile on and shout "leave". But you can't let her stay in this toxic situation.

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