Actually a dad

[AlexEvans1984]

Hi all,

So I'm actually a dad who has signed up to get your perspective on something my wife has told me. And that is that I'm selfish. We have a 5 month old who has had reflux, sleep issues etc and who we had to go through 3yrs of trying and then a round of IUI before we got the news.

My wife does nearly all of the night time feeds as little one will only breastfeed (rarely takes a bottle) and she is up 2/3 times a night. She has been saying recently that she is tired and she needs a night off and it looks like I haven't been reading the signs and not offering to help her out. This came to a head and we had an a to-do about it which lead to her calling me selfish.

I love my wife to pieces and the thought of her saying I've disappointed her or that I'm selfish is obviously upsetting. Have you mums had the same experience with other halfs and if so how did they change?

Any help or advice would be much appreciated!

A desperate dad!!

One way dh would help me while breastfeeding was me going to bed early and him staying up until baby woke for first feed so l could really sleep peacefully knowing he was listening for him. And of course lie on every weekend taking baby downstairs or out in buggy so l could completely relax. Lots of ways to help. And its not once or twice its ongoing and particularly every weekend. WITHOUT HAVING TO BE ASKED!!!

Wow. INstead of listening to her you're coming here?

Why aren't you doing some of the night feeds? time to introduce a bottle. The baby will not be happy about it and she will cry a lot but you have to be on hand to endure that transition!!!

I remember feeling like I was about to turn to ashes and my x just slep on, and on. Even if he'd got up to offer me a cup of tea I would have felt less alone, less resentful, less drained, more supported.
Would you like to get up three times a night while your partner just got a nights sleep night after night!???

Hi. I do understand where your wife is coming from, my DH has been really ill recently and I’ve done all the childcare alone for a few days, I am exhausted! 2/3 night feeds is a lot but unfortunately that is what babies do. You also mentioned baby wont take a bottle, if rarely so that also leaves the majority if it to your wife.
Have you tried different bottle teats to see if baby will take a different kind?

For what it is worth, I don’t think you are selfish and it’s lovely you want to help out :)

I can definitely understand your position, I am happy you have decided to ask for advice.

It's a tough one when baby is breastfeeding as is my daughter at 11 months, since birth I have done the night feeds. Have you tried a breast pump?
I believe as long as you are willing to help your partner with other things regarding baby she will be so much more appreciative, nappies/bath time for example. Allow mum to take a nap during the day when possible. Every little help goes a long way for an exhausted mama! Best of luck!

Check yourself. Are you paying attention to everything and everyone in the house and getting on with doing the things you can see need to be done? If you are, great. This is what goes through your wife's head ALL THE TIME. She is under a massive burden of responsibility and still recovering from the birth (yes, it does take that long. At least a year).

You are not a mind reader. Your wife has to communicate with you if she wants your help.

Go about it with good grace for the next 18 years, be thankful you get to go to work and be with people who can communicate with you occasionally. Having a baby is the biggest bomb you can put under a relationship. It takes a huge amount of hard work to be supportive of each other, especially in the early days.

My DD also had reflux, I feel your pain but you will get there! Co sleeping helped us but I am aware not everyone agrees with it. Each to their own.
Maybe you could keep baby with you while she sleeps and wake her for feeds? That’s what my DH did for a while so we all could sleep.

Hi,

We have tried 6 different bottles and teats and she rejects them all. Doudie cup works better but is hardly good for a night feed as it gets everywhere. I take little one downstairs on weekends so my wife can get some rest, and have Friday afternoons off so we can go out and leave my wife at home.

I'm desperate to help with night feeds but apart from getting up for moral support, is there much else I can do?? We are working on transitioning to a bottle but that is taking sometime.

5 months of broken sleep is a killer. It's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, with the haze and change that being a new parent brings with it.

Assuming you work during the week, can you be totally in charge of the baby on Friday nights, so all your partner has to do is feed? So you bring the baby to her, and then you settle her, and deal with any wakings that aren't to do with hunger. When the morning feed has been done, you have the baby and your wife goes back to bed until the next feed etc etc. You go out with the baby in between feeds, so she can rest.

Why aren't you doing some of the night feeds? time to introduce a bottle. The baby will not be happy about it and she will cry a lot but you have to be on hand to endure that transition!!!*

It really doesn’t work like that. And tbh, sleep deprived, exhausted, the last thing you need is nights of endless crying while you attempt the transition.

I found what helped me was bringing the baby to me, so i could stay lying down, feed, and then dh taking him away to resettle. Also letting me go to bed really early and bringing the baby when he woke.

If the baby is 5m you’ll be weaning soon? You could get up on weekends ands give breakfast, allowing a lie in.

2/3 of my kids were terrible sleepers. none of them took to a bottle so I had to wake up countless the each night ( more like 8 times actually so your 2-3 sounds like nothing) and then had to go to work in the morning! I used to go mental at my partner but there was really nothing he could do. At least you take the baby out at weekends and are at least trying to help! A luxury not all mums get! Sounds like she has a good deal if you ask me!

Yeah shes early weaning at the moment so porridge after her early morning feed. I keep her downstairs with me then before her early morning nap.

I'm trying to do the cleaning, cooking and other little bits and pieces that mean my wife doesn't have any of that in the back of her mind.

Bottle is easier said than done. She rarely takes it during the day so night would be a unforgiving task. We are trying to skip the bottle in to replace the breast when she's talking a sleep in the hope that she will eventually accept it

You’re gonna have to send your wife away for the weekend. Pick a bottle. (we found nuk for first baby and mam for second) and then just go for it. It will be hard.

You’ll probably need your Mum or mil or another pair of hands that you trust (and your wife does) to help but then it will happen. I promise.

I have been there first baby was EBF until 10-11 months and I was at my wits end until we did this. And I love my husband but my god I loved him so much more for this.

Good luck - and you sound like a lovely daddy but your wife is tired and honestly you will never, ever understand how awful tiredness is combined with EBF hormones and how it makes your body feel!

Ps second baby daddy gave a bottle to each morning/evening from week 2

Remember that no one told your wife what to do. Her vagina does not somehow endow her with Magic Powers to figure out what shit needs to happen. You shouldn’t need the Internet to point out what needs doing, or that after months of crappy sleep she’ll be on her knees.

But in case you do - she gets a lie in at the weekends, you take th kid out independently at times to give her a proper break, you figure out what needs doing household jobs wise and do odd bits and pieces that you know make her happy and generally engage your brain. This does not mean that you are some kind of slave, or that your job outside of the house is not important, just that keeping a tiny person alive and the worry that that entails means that your wife is well and truly under the Kosh for the next little while.

My DH gets up, collects baby (now from his own room, previously just from the crib in our room) whilst I sort myself out. I feed him and then when ds is asleep again, it's DH's job to transfer him back to his bed. If DS needs rocking to sleep, DH does it.

Sounds like you're doing what you can.
A bottle may not happen, neither of mine have ever taken a bottle no matter what we tried! DD2 is 16 months and still wakes for night feeds but only wants me. If DH goes in she screams till I come. I haven't slept through the night since I fell pregnant with her 2 years ago! It's hard, and when sleep deprived everything seems worse and you feel so alone.
Keep supporting your DW and give her as many breaks as you can.
This will pass and it will get easier.

Wow you sound like your doing a lot already thats a great deal more support than I've ever had with my 3! So I may be biased here, but what more does she want you to do?
Is she actually asking for help or just dropping hints and upset because your not getting them?
I would ask her very kindly to be more direct when communicating her needs.
Fair enough your little one is having troubles but your both just going to have to persevere, and do what you can when you can, this isn't going to be this way for long.

With regard to the bottle, I know you've said you've tried various bottles/teats before but for how long and who gave it to baby?
My Dc3 who transitioned from breast to bottle only took it from me to start with (and that took a few days) I would start with a very quick breastfeed while expressing (roughly about 4oz) into a bottle then finish his feed with the bottle until he was happy to suck the bottle then gradually I started handing him to others to bottlefeed until he realised the bottle was a food source not just mum lol.
A hungry baby will eventually take a bottle, they just need time to get used to how different it feels, some are just exra fussy.
If you haven't tried already, maybe you could offer the bottle every morning when baby should be hungry enough to accept it.

Also once baby is weaned the reflux should settle down.
I've been advised that thickening the milk with a little baby rice sometimes helps with reflux but please check that info with a professional first.

In your row, leis your wife actually tell you what it is she felt you're being selfish about? That would be the first step, I think.

did your wife, sorry, not leis!

I never did this with my husband but one thing my mother always said my dad did to help her in the nights was when the baby would fuss he would be the one to get up and get the baby and bring it to her. She would then feed laying down and he would wait until the baby was finished and then put the baby back into its cot. That way he was the one waking up and she got to continue to rest while the baby fed.

Maybe it's not about making your baby take a bottle but just finding other ways to negotiate the breastfeeding?

Also it sounds to me like your wife is exhausted and really just needs a full nights sleep. Would it be possible for you to sleep with the baby in one room and let her sleep alone occasionally? That way baby is still in the same room as an adult but won't be waking her up as easily?

I have read some things on this thread that I find shocking. At 5 1/2 months i think that few mothers would want to go away for the weekend and their leave their babies and if they did they would risk block ducts and matsis. Neither is it a mother jobs to ask for help in looking after her baby.

Like PP have said you need to make sure you are doing as much as you can without being asked. Having a young baby is a crisis situation. Your poor partner will be completely exhausted. Her body has been trough massive trauma and she has not had a goid night sleep in over a half year and that looks not look like it is going to change. Cuddle her, if she wants, tell her what an amazing job she is doing, apologise for not doing enough (if that is the case) and ask her to spell out what she needs from you.

Not the advice you are looking for but might help. My lb was breastfed and he was unwilling to take a bottle. My hv suggested the cheapest bottles you can get (I think we used Tesco value). They have really long teats so closer to nipples. It was like a miracle in our house overnight.

I don't think you sound that selfish, unfortunately having babies is just bloody hard, and for quite a while. At five months I was going a bit mad with sleep deprivation, so like someone else said above, the best thing is this: after the 7pm (or thereabouts) feed, wife goes to bed. You stay up and watch a film with baby on your shoulder. When the next feed is due, go in before baby is howling, she feeds them, you wait, have a nice chat, then take them back downstairs till midnight or so. That way she can get a good chunk of sleep before the rest of the night. It does honestly help. Other things that are just nice: tea, lots of tea. Changing the bed. New pyjamas. Doing bathtime. If she cosleeps it can be the best time for you to bugger off to the spare room (after you've done the evening shift, ha!) to give them more space. Our deal here is that I do everything at night, OH does 5am onwards, but he's been in the spare room so he gets to sleep allllll night. Good luck!