Honestly sick to death of MIL and her mother

[Rach1311]

I had my second baby 14 weeks ago and I am sick to death of the same comments I got with my first this time around too. We go round for lunch on a Monday and as soon as I stepped out of the car, ‘ooooo lets have a look at him...oh my he’s got huge since last week...you’re feeding him way too much yo don’t want him to be obese in childhood’ firstly my first was born 9 lbs 1, my second 9 lbs 8, I just produce big healthy boys! Secondly I’m breastfeeding still on demand so I just give him when he needs it, he’s consistently on the 91st Centile and has been throughout. Then I get the usual...’you spoil him’ ‘you pay him too much attention’ ‘ you should keep him up all day so that he sleeps through at night’ ‘you should be giving him water at night not milk’ I then tried to get him off to sleep in the pram and her mother comes over takes the pram off me and tells me how to push him (arghhhhhh!!!) to which then he started crying. I get this pretty much every single week. I came home with my boys and cried my eyes out, they make me feel like a shit mother!! I can’t say too much to her as she looks after my eldest once a week and will also be looking after my youngest when I go back to word next year. I appreciate what she does for the kids but her comments are just making me dispise her!!!!! Any tips on how I can tell her to do one in a friendlier term? X

Can your partner perhaps step in and and say something to their mother asking her back off a bit? And maybe explain that you know what is best?

Ask her to come with you to a parenting course to help you out with the kids. Maybe she can pick up a few tips like you can’t spoil your baby. Sadly she was probably told these things by well meaning older relatives too. I’ve been told absolute rubbish by older relatives e.g. “you have to let them cry to develop their lungs!” 😂😂😂😂

I often relay information I’ve learnt at info sessions to older relatives
“You won’t believe what they said at the parenting course.... -insert current parenting techniques-...”

Why not be polite but honest?

“I know you love the boys and mean well but when you say that it really upsets me and makes me feel bad.”

And then wait for a response. She doesn’t know she makes you cry every week, you need to tell her.

Can you try a polite but brisk, "Thanks for the advice - I'll keep it in mind." Just keep repeating that phrase again and again, until the conversation has been closed down.

I am sure they both mean well so try not to take their advice personally. If the above doesn't work after a week or so, I think you're going to have to be more direct as PP have suggested - "MIL, that comment really upsets me." She may well think you are being precious but she'll want to keep you onside.

Find something else to do on Mondays so you’re too busy to do a once a week lunch. Much easier to smile, nod and ignore without it getting to you if you’re only seeing her a tolerable amount like once a month.

And stop using her as childcare; someone that has such ridiculous outdated views like you are spoiling a child if you pay them attention and babies should be kept up all day so they sleep at night is not someone I’d consider fit to look after my children.

Stop using people you "despise" as free childcare. Problem solved.

I felt like this with ds1. MIL did my head in. Breastfeeding him was "cruel as it was making him clingy". I should be giving him weetabix (age 4 weeks) because he was starving. I got very frustrated and would moan to dh all the time. She also gave him chocolate for the first time when he was 4 months old and had never eaten anything in his life! I was obviously furious and we had a big row over it. I often would politely tell her her advice didn't follow current guidelines and as much as I was aware that it would probably already change again, I would rather follow the most up to date advice.
I would however ask her opinion on things that couldn't really go wrong just so she felt included. I'd put myself in her shoes and thought how I'd be when my ds goes on to have kids and how I'd hope his wife let's me offer advice.
Just gave birth to Ds2 and unfortunately MIL passed away the following day unexpectedly age 55.
If I'm totally honest I miss her like mad and would give anything to have her and her crazy advice back. It's only crazy to us, not to them as it was correct to them once upon a time
I guess what I'm saying is embrace it, take it on board and ignore. But be glad to have her :)

1. You are letting her create a parent child relationship with you. Reverse that dynamic. Speak to her as though you are the parent and she the child. “Leave him be, MIL, he needs to settle.”

1. Make other arrangements for childcare. If she’s like this under your supervision just imagine what she will be up to when you’re not there.

1. Stop feeling shit. She is not the expert on your DC, you are.

Bloody hell don't leave her unsupervised with your dc..

And stop using her as childcare; someone that has such ridiculous outdated views like you are spoiling a child if you pay them attention and babies should be kept up all day so they sleep at night is not someone I’d consider fit to look after my children.

^^ can't really put it better