Do you talk to your kids about a grandparent they never met?

[TryingToStayRational]

My Dad died 9 years ago and now I’m pregnant. I keep having so many dreams about him lately (crazy hormones no doubt) and it has got me thinking about how I will approach the fact that he’s a big part of who I am but obviously my child won’t know him and won’t have a grandfather on that side. My Mum is still with us but doesn’t have a partner.

I was very close to my Dad and obviously miss him, and although I don’t talk about him all the time I have some photos of him around the house and mention him frequently in context. DP sadly never met him, so he only knows him through me and my family.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation and whether you have any advice about how to explain it to a child. I don’t want to upset them, but at the same time I know at some point they are bound to ask questions. Also I don’t want to shy away from the reality and from talking about the wonderful man that he was. I know what a loving and happy grandparent he would have been and I suppose I feel an urge to convey that somehow.

Any suggestions on approaches that have worked for you (or not worked!) v welcome.

My dad died two years before I had my first. I'm gutted he never met my girls and he would have loved them. I do speak to my oldest whose 4 about him a little bit and she asks me questions about him.

My dad didn’t meet his grandchildren either and he would’ve been an amazing grandfather. My dcs ask about him a lot and once ds1 cried and said he wished he’d known him
I had to pull myself together before I became a sobbing wreck.

I never met my grandmother, because she lived abroad and we didn't have the money to visit. I remember that my mum used to talk to her all the time on the phone, and was so heartbroken when she died. She never really spoke about her after that and finds it too painful when I ask her questions now. Everyone tells me how amazing she was (300 people attended her funeral!), but I want to know stories about her, things she used to say, what she smelt like etc. And I want to be able to tell my DD about her. So please tell your DC about your dad.

It's very important to talk to children about missing grandparents I think. I've always talked about my father to my DC, so they've never met him but they think they know him.

My DS is so much like my father it hurts. Not just physically, I mean in his mind and temperament. Clever gentle and kindly. I overheard DS once say to a family member that he wished he had known his grandfather because he thinks he takes after him.

My FIL passed away only a few months after my DH and I started dating. 15 years later our little boy was born. My grandad died when our LO was only weeks old.

We have always spoken of his grandad and great grandad and he's seen lots of photos of them. He knows where they worked, what they liked and disliked, jokes they used to play, everything really. They might no longer be here but their memories certainly live on and my boy is a part of them.

My boy is 5 now and will sometimes say that he misses his grandad's. We're atheist but have told him that some people believe in heaven etc and it's okay to be sad that loved ones are no longer with us but a part of them lives on in us so it's important that we live a happy life to make them happy.

Sadly we recently lost MIL which hit LO hard as they were close. In a way though having already spoken about death and loved ones no longer being here I think it has helped him. He has spoken himself about his granny and grandad being together again. Not brilliant for a 5yr old to have to go through such a bereavement but I do think being open with him always has helped.

Always talked a lot about my FIL who passed away when our youngest was 2, funny things he did and said, stories about dh's childhood but also about how fond he was of dc. Also frequently talked about my grandparents who died when I was a child; again, how fond I was of them, and things I learnt from them- songs and stories and little sayings.

Thanks so much for your responses. They made me cry (not that hard to do at the moment!) but there was so much love. I’m so sorry for the losses that many of you have been through. I appreciate all of your comments and advice very much and will take it on board.

Ps @Tigger001 I’m so sorry this is still so raw for you. Grief is such a personal thing and nobody can tell you how it will be for you. All I can say is for me it is something I have learned to cope with over time. I think of it like waves - in the beginning they came thick and fast, sweeping me off my feet often, and the breaks between were short. In time they changed and became less frequent. They lapped at my feet sometimes, but the bigger ones were few and far between. A few years on, the waves rarely come. But they do still come. Sometimes, a big one can still take me by surprise. I’m pretty sure it will always be like this. And that’s ok. To be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way, because I think the only way to be rid of the waves would be to feel nothing.

I hope that the waves calm over time for you too, but for now you’re still in the very early days so be kind to yourself.

You're right about the grief and it does so hit you when you have children. Keep talking to them and keep talking about them. All the best.

My children never met my dad, but we talk about him quite a lot- I have always pointed out ways they are like him. And this wasn't planned, but it just happened that we keep important bits of paper stuffed behind a picture of him, so grandpa has always looked after letters from school and things like that.

Yes, my dd has seen photos of her granddad who died when I was pregnant with her and she asks about him sometimes and we talk about it quite openly and tell her that he died. She even asked about my nan the other day so I talked about her and said she died a long time before you were born. At 3 she’s very interested in this stuff and wants to know where she was before she was born!

Yes.
Well, technically my dc met my parents, but they don't remember them, so I figure that fits the same.
You won't upset the dc - they have no personal feeling of loss for them as they didn't know them, but when they get to the age when they realise that Grandpa Smith is his Dad's Dad, and that grown ups have Dads, then they ask.
Sometimes people just say things to you or to them about your parent(s). It's nice. It keeps them 'alive' in your mind, and is nice for the dc to hear they did this or that or the other.
At some point they get to an age where they are quite interested in photos of people.

I was very close to my grandad, he passed away 6 years before my daughters were born. I have told my dds lots of stories (mainly funny ones!) about him since they were little, they've been to tidy up his grave with me too. They are now 18 and told me recently that they feel they know him too, which is lovely.

Thank you Trying that is a lovely, poetic way of describing it.

My grandfather passed away when I was 9. I was barely old enough to have properly known him myself let alone my children. But he was my best friend in the whole world. He adored me and I him. We talk about him all the time, my children like to think of him as a robin that watches over me and them. In fact, we talk about both my grandparents. They did get to meet my gran but she was very old by that point and they were very young.

We don't really discuss my dad's parents in the same way because I never met them, they died before I came along but I do tell them funny stories about them that were passed down to me.