Fussy eater advice

[GreenMeerkat]

My 4yo DD is getting worse with her fussiness. There are only a couple of things she will eat now and even then it's touch and go.

I often have to agree with her beforehand what I am going to be making her and she still sometimes refuses to eat it.

My question is: if she refuses to eat what I have made, should I make her something else or just leave it? Obviously I don't want her to go hungry but my fear is that she will just get used to this and keep refusing so she can get what she wants (toast and hot dogs is about it!).

My 3yo DD is who is a great eater is starting to mimic her behaviour too in order to get 'something else', even though I know she is perfectly happy to eat what I've made her.

You’ve given her the power and you need to take it back.

Fussy eating is control by kids.

Your first mistake is agreeing with her what you are going to make. You are being dictated to by a 4 year old.

If she refuses to eat what you make there is no alternative. If you offer an alternative you are pandering and believe me, this will only get worse. You are creating a rod for your own back. If she reuses to eat, fine, that’s her choice. Offer no alternative apart from a fruit bowl that she can help herself to.

It’s tough and you will have to ride the storm out but do not pander.

My 12 year old DSD was extremely fussy. Mum asked her what her and her brother want and cooks 3 different meals every night. Sometimes more as a meal woukd be cooked (as requested) and then reused so she’d cook another one. When I first met the kids they were forever eating snacks - why eat my boring dinner when I can have a tasty snack. Their repoitre of meals was very low.

Things are very different in our house. I cook one dinner (child appropriate) and there is no alternative. As the cook I decide what we eat. If they choose not to eat it it’s fine, there’s no alternative (I don’t run a restaurant). There’s a fruit bowl if you are hungry. And you know what - this tactic has worked, we eat one meal together and they have broadened Wharton they eat. DSD is still a bit picky but it’s so much better than it was. Don’t give them the power.

Thank you!!

I have been refusing alternatives recently and my DH thinks I'm being cruel and she shouldn't be going hungry but by doing that, as you said, it is pandering to her and it will only get worse!

My DD was very much like this at 4 but the good news is, she has improved. With her we realised it was a bit of sensory going on. So she doesn’t like anything wet from a sauce. She has got better with this.

Thers a book called Help! My Child Won’t Eat that supposed to be good. Sadly it was out of print when my DD was that age but it’s back now.

My best advice would be:

Meal p,an and let her choose at least 2 meals a week.
Always put something on her plate that you know she’ll eat, even if it’s tiny.
Never offer an alternative.
Don’t praise, comment or cojole.
Don’t get drawn into taliking about what she does or doesn’t like on her her plate or what she will or won’t eat. Just say ok and change the subject.
Getting her cooking with you when you can.

It will get easier

We don't make a battle of it, we just have everything on the table and kids help themselves to what they want. We have now though started a rule that you have to taste things esp sauces. You can't say you don't like it of you have never tried it. We do remind them that there is no other food before bedtime but they are welcome to wait until breakfast. Also häve ano screaming and throwing you food off the plate rule.
Kids are 3 and 4 and we have done this scince they were two ish.

I agree that you should take back control. Ds1 went through a fussy phase after previously eating very well. You can choose what to offer, she can choose whether to eat it. D's would say "I content any dinnet/don't like it" and I would say "ok. You don't have to eat it but you do have to sit at the table as it's dinner time"

I would add something that he would eat to his ate, and he had a few weeks of wanting ketchup on everything. I'm not keen on him having ketchup on everything but it was the difference between finishing a bowl of shepherds pie, brocolli and carrots, or not touching it.
It took a few months but he's pretty much got over it now.

"I don't want any dinner....."

Fussy-eater-kid threads confuse me. Op says "couple of things" which makes me think only 2 things, but then OP lists 3 things (dry toasted bread, dry hot dog buns, hot dog sausages... I bet the kid also has something like ketchup & margarine on the toast & hotdog). So already up to 5 minimum different things. Never feel confident I know what picture is when couple = 5.

Sounds like OP is happy with advice she got, anyway.

Sorry, I disagree with PPs. It's not your role to make your daughter eat. It's your role to provide nutritious food and it's her decision whether or not she eats it. I wouldn't provide a separate meal unless we were having something very spicy. Ask that she trieds a small bite of everything, but if she doesn't like it then that's her choice. Fine. Maybe she'll like it a month or so when she's a bigger girl. I'd give bread and cheese, always the same bland alternative, so she's getting something which is nutritious and not sweet. If she doesn't want cheese also fine. Fruit with plain yoghurt afterwards. I think it's really important to teach that mealtimes are an enjoyable family time so don't get stressed or upset with her. Easier said than done I know. It'll get better eventually as long as it's not made into an issue.

You’re not offering a restaurant menu. She gets what she’s given (something you know she likes) and of she doesn’t eat it she goes hungry until the next meal. She will learn and this is the only way.

if*

I agree with pp in not making it into an issue. Just casually say ‘okay you don’t want it the next meal isn’t until later are you sure you can wait until then okay no problem.’

@lljkk I'm still here so no need to talk about me as if I'm not . If you have nothing to add to the post other than to criticise semantics then why post?

Anyway.... thanks all for the advice. I'll continue to refuse an alternative. I'm confident she won't starve!

I didn't want to pointedly criticise you personally but I don't understand the hyperboles. Thought maybe someone else could explain or would want to explain why they happen. Easier to identify the confusion with a specific example rather than start new thread. MN threads often meander.

Hyperboles actively intolerated in many other areas of life & especially on MN threads. Yet, when it comes to fussy eaters, MN folk can say any fuzzy thing that leaves their actual situation completely opaque. Very .

I still haven't a clue what your kid actually does or doesn't eat.

Have you tried putting the food in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves. Make sure there is always something you know she likes.

It can take the pressure right off. Don’t comment on what she eats/doesn’t eat/no praise at all/no pressure to ‘just try’ or anything like that. Take all the emotion out of it. Don’t comment on your food ‘oooooh mummy loves carrots’ or anything like that. Literally don’t mention it. Talk about your day, etc. If you want to praise, do so for sitting nicely at the table.

Most importantly, don’t stress about it as they do pick up more than you realise. It’s your job to provide healthy food but you can’t control what she eats. Nearly all fussy eaters grow out of it but it could take years (sorry). The best thing you can do is to not make an issue out of food so she grows up with a healthy relationship with it, so she’s not ‘good’ for eating/trying new things etc, and not ‘bad’ for not. Food is food.

Also involving her in cooking/prep/laying the table can help but again in a matter of fact way, not ‘ooooh we’re making a yummy dinner, it’s going to be delicious, etc’.

@lljkk I get your point but I'm writing a post on an Internet forum, not a scientific paper for a peer reviewed journal.

The details don't matter (you seriously need me to write a list of foods my child will eat?). My question was, should I be offering an alternative or not? Had you bothered to read properly rather than criticise the way it was written then you'd have seen this. You clearly don't have any constructive advice so kindly do one

I am in the same boat OP! If I don't offer alternatives, she'll go to bed hungry & then wake up at 3am from hunger & then I have to feed her a banana (or something) to get my sleep back. It's a no win situation for me!

I've started encouraging her to TRY what I offer before she refuses. If she does then I swap for something else. So far after trying she's had the meal atleast half the time. Wits end!!!

@JuliaRobbers it's a grind isn't it? I won't deny her her 'afters' so if she doesn't eat she still has a piece of fruit or a yoghurt (don't like using treats as rewards for good behaviour e.g. eating her meal) so she won't be completely hungry but hoping she will soon learn that if she doesn't eat what has been given there won't be anything else offered.

@GreenMeerkat such a grind! I look longingly at other children who gobble up their meals in restaurants. We are off to Florida in summer & this is my top most stress factor.