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Parenting

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Original poster

I need help with my ds whose nearly 7 please im desparate (long post sorry)

24 replies

CustardosBitch · 21/05/2007 14:58

Its 4pm im cooking dinner dp is out ds(7yrs old) is bored, dd1(22months) sat in highchair waiting for dinner & dd2(7months) rolling round on floor playing

DS: mam im borrreeedddddd (in whingy voice) can i play in the park please until dinner is done?

me: go on then but please stay in the park where i can see you dinner will only be 20 minutes mind

DS: ok i promise

me: good boy have fun

Ds leaves for park which is about 8 steps from our back gate we have a low wall so i can see straight into park

10 minutes later i go to the window to check on him and he is no where to be seen i finish dinner hoping he'll be back in park by then but he's not so i round up the two gorls and head out to look for him i find him on other side of the estate and tell him its time to come in.

me (when we're back at home): son why did you leave the park when i asked you not to?

DS: i dunno

Me: well there must be a reason you knew i was cooking dinner

Ds: i dunno
then starts crying

me: why are crying?

Ds: i dunno

me: well i dont know either please go to your room and have a think about what you've done and why?

Ds: no i dont want to go to my room

me: ive asked you nicely now im telling you go to your room

ds stamps up stairs then starts banging n throwing things around his room when i go up their to see what damage he is doing i find all his bedding on the floor his toys all over the place and him kicking his door

when i try to calm him down he kicks out n hits me at this point i have to walk away from him as i start to feel angry i gave him his dinner bathed him and put him to bed at 7 half hour earlier than normal

this behavior seems to be happening a lot lately and i dont know what to do as no punishment works on him what can i do?? im worried he'll hurt himself or one of his sisters or that they'll pick up his behavior. im going out of my mind worrying!!!

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dustystar · 21/05/2007 15:02

My ds is the smae age and very similar at the moment. Its bloody hard work isn't it. I haven't got time to explain it now but my Mum is a SENCO and has leant me a DVD called 123 magic which has a really good and simple way of dealing with challenging behaviour. I'll check back when i get home from school and summarize it for you if you like.

Porpoise · 21/05/2007 15:04

7 is THE age for stamping up stairs and slamming doors, IME
Hope that's some comfort...

Original poster

CustardosBitch · 21/05/2007 15:06

what gets me is why cant he be helpful and stay where he's told it was only for 20 minutes he knew i was on my own with his 2 sisters bother under 2 and i was cooking dinner??

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dustystar · 21/05/2007 15:47

Would you like me to explain the 123 magic?

Original poster

CustardosBitch · 21/05/2007 15:52

yes please

OP posts:

hayes · 21/05/2007 15:55

I hate to say it but when they get to teenager years it doens't really change much....only they become much taller than you

I think his behaviour is normal, just pushing the boundaries

Saturn74 · 21/05/2007 15:58

Hmm... I think I'd tell him that he needs to earn your trust if he wants to play in the park, and that you need to know he is safe.
So perhaps get him a timer, and set it for five minutes. Tell him he HAS to stay where you can see him, and make sure he knows exactly where that it. Maybe get your DH to stand at the window and go outside with him - showing him that if he can't see your window, you can't see him.
After five minutes he has to come in.
Tell him how proud you are of him.
Let him go out for 6 minutes etc.
Maybe even build up to him getting walkie talkies so you can comminucate like that - but he MUST stay where you can see him.
Tell him how clever he is, and what a good big brother to let you look after his sisters inside whilst playing safely.

Original poster

CustardosBitch · 21/05/2007 16:01

humphreycushion we tried that and he behaved for the 1st few times so we moved the 5mins to 10 mins and he just disappeared off again and my partner had to go out looking for him it took him half hour to find him he'd crossed over 3 roads with a friend of his who he said "made him"

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 21/05/2007 16:04

OK, so keep it to two or three minutes until he really gets the message. Be consistent with it. Give him only a small amount of freedom until he can show you that he can be trusted.

Saturn74 · 21/05/2007 16:04

Or don't allow him out unless you or your DP can stand and watch him.

dustystar · 21/05/2007 16:26

The idea with 123 magic is that parents (and teachers) talk too much when trying to discipline children and that it is better to say very little. With 123 magic if your child doesn't do as he is asked you say "that is a 1" and hold up 1 finger. If they are still not doing as you have asked you wait about 5 seconds and then say "thats a 2" and hold up 2 fingers. If they still don't do it you wait a further 3 seconds and then say "thats a three take a time out".

As usual with timeouts it is approximately 1 min for every year of their life. You must stay calm and not get into any discussion about what is happening just stick to the "thats 1, thats 2 thats 3 ..." ( times out of 10 children don't need an expklanation for why they are being disciplined - even when they make out that they do.

For aggressive behaviour, swearing , rudeness etc you go staright to a 3 and timeout. You may also want to add extra minutes yo the timeout depending on the severity of the behaviour. You can use alternatives to timeout when timeout is not appropriate - such as 15 mins earlier to bed, money away from allowance, lose computer time for the evening etc.

It sounds very simple but it is hard work to put in practice. They do it at school with ds and lent me a copy of their dvd. DH and i watched it and started doing it and it worked really well - dh said he really liked it because he always knew what to say and do when they played up because it was like having a script My Mum is a SENCO at another school and liked the program so much she has bought a copy for her school.

Unfortunately I have been crap and not done it properly so everything has gone to pieces again. Mum lent me her copy yesterday and I have watched it again today and I am determined to do it properly this time as I can't take any more of the arguements Have just talked to ds and dd and told them we are doing it agian and so far so good

Original poster

CustardosBitch · 21/05/2007 16:27

thats what we've had to do lately but he gets very lippy and rude about not being allowed out

i've started to lose my temper with now because he's breaking things and drawing on the walls (newly decorated ones not old ones) its starting to affect the little ones because we so tied up trying to deal with his behavior ive also had the added worry of my granddad being ill (he passed away this morning) but that isnt what his problem has been about as he has been like this for about a yr now

OP posts:

dustystar · 21/05/2007 16:29

Another important message in the program is not to make the mistake of thinking of your child as a mini adult or that he is reasonable and unselfish. Most children are not like this and thinking that they are or should be causes lots of stress and arguements. Dr Phelan (who designed the program) says to think of your self as a wild animal tamer. Wild animal tamers use consistant and gentle strategies to train their animals that are mostly non-verbal and this works well with children too.

Original poster

CustardosBitch · 21/05/2007 16:29

last post was to humphreycushion

thank you dustystar hun i'm going to try this with him he's having a bored moment now "he has nothing to play with" he has a full toy box, colours, books and a ps2 he's just playing up because he cant go out

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 21/05/2007 16:29

Sorry to hear about the loss of your Grandad - you've obviously got an awful lot to deal with at the moment.
Was your DS close to your grandfather?
I think you just need to be consistent with your DS, especially at the moment, when you are all coping with bereavement.

dustystar · 21/05/2007 16:30

Sorry to hear about you grandfather

dustystar · 21/05/2007 16:33

You will need to explain the rules to him so he understands what is going to happen. A hint the dvd gave was to say that there will be things he will like about it and things he won't. Things he will like is that there will be less arguements and shouting, things he won't like is having timeouts if he misbehaves.

Good luck with it. The dvd goes on for nearly 2 hours and it is hard to really summarize it properly but I think you have the gist of it

Original poster

CustardosBitch · 21/05/2007 16:35

Thank you both very much

fingers crossed hope this works

if it dont i dont know what to try

OP posts:

clutteredup · 21/05/2007 16:38

do you think it might be a reaction to his new siblings - you say he's been like this for a year which would make dd1 about 10m when he started - my ds was fine when dd1 was born but at around dd1 turning 6m he became difficult and started hitting small children - i hated it, i'd rather he had hit his sister, it's somehow easier to deal with. you got pg soon after dd1 so it must have been hard for you dealing with ds and dd1 whilst pg again so soon, my gap bw dd1 and dd2 is bigger but i still found it hard work. do you think he might feel a bit sidelined by his sisters as i'm sure they take up a huge amount of your time, energy and effort, it's probably attention seeking behaviour, IME most is and he definitly gets your attention when he's behaving like this - do you think you could find someone to have the girls for you for a bit and do some stuff with him that's age appropriate for him, i know its hard i have a similar set up with 3dc and trying to meet their differeing needs is hard, it might help - good luck it must be hard for you.((((()))))

clutteredup · 21/05/2007 16:39

sorry just saw the bit about yr garandad, you poor thing no wonder you're having a bad time < more hugs>

Tortington · 21/05/2007 16:41

bump for ma bitch.

i think its perfectly normal.btw.

clutteredup · 22/05/2007 19:54

think i need to try and take some advice from this thread including my own. ds (6) has been unbeliveably disobedient and rude and is doing so at his friends houses now aswell. he's behaving like a spoilt brat and believe me I haven't spoiled him but i'd think he was spoilt if i didn't know him- he's a nightmare, I am probably neglecting him too, or is it just 6 yo behave like this?

ahundredtimes · 22/05/2007 20:05

I'm officially now A BORE on the subject of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen etc, but it does work this book honest. And very helpful, ime, on breaking patterns of behaviour which both me and dss had got into. Wanna know the secret?

(Cod will not be pleased about this. She's the Owner of The Book.)

purpleduck · 22/05/2007 21:08

My son too. Not as extreme, but def has been much more tempermental! I find i need to give hime stricter consequences, ie (tonight)
Me: ok, you know you are not meant to have toys out just before bed, please put that away.
him: No response
Me: Ok, put that away please
no response
Me: Ok, it is now bed time.
I make it clear that there are consequences, but also that it is his choice to misbehave, and therefore have those consequences put on him. Also find that I have been lapse in reinforcing the positive, so I have had to be more diligent with that good luck
btw, glad to hear its not just me....

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