Grandma is taking the p*ss and not sure how to deal with it.

[MissesBloom]

Posting for some advice mainly.

I feel as though mil is deliberately taking the p*ss out of myself and dh in regard to our two daughters.

She loves to spoil them, like most grandparents do, but has become excessive imo (first world problem but it's impacting the kids behaviour).

She insists on seeing them every weekend without fail and if we decide we need a weekend to ourselves she puts on a 'sad' babyish voice and if that doesn't work she sulks and resorts to insults. We now deliberately don't see them every weekend because we felt like we needed to break the cycle and stop being controlled.

Anyway that issue is under control mostly but the hard part is when she arrives she brings gifts... Every. Bloody. Time. Sometimes it's a small gift (magazine or sweets) other times it's a large toy or money. But always something. It kind of came to a head when we started noticing dds saying they didn't want to see their other grandparents because they weren't the ones who buy them gifts, and we noticed some really spoiled behaviour from them that we just couldn't stand.

We spoke to mil and asked her to not just hand the gifts straight to the kids and to ask us first if it's OK, so they don't get disappointed if we decide not to give the gifts. That fell on deaf ears because the next time she came round with an armful of toot toys and walked straight in with them. Dh was annoyed so told her to take them back to the car (dd had behaved atrociously that day and he didn't want her being rewarded for the poor behaviour)

We both talked to her about it again stating that dd had behaved awfully and she wouldn't be getting any gifts that day and that if she wanted we'd put it away for a more appropriate day when she'd been well behaved. Mil disagrees with us about how to handle her tantrums and cheekiness and tries to undermine dh often in front of the children. That was the last time we saw her until this week.

She turned up with more for the kids (magazines and sweets again) and dd went running up to her asking straight away asking what grandma had bought her.
Mil started back tracking and saying its not a present its not a present, but by then dd was screeching about how much she loved her present and running around the house like a lunatic.

I tried to calm her down and explain that she shouldn't be asking what she'd been bought before even saying hello to her grandmother and that it's actually quite rude but she was so excited and clearly not listening.

The thing that wound me up the most is that I'd bought her a magazine myself that I'd been holding onto as a special treat (it's a particular one that I know she loves) because her behaviour is quite up and down and I want her to feel like she's being rewarded for treating her sister nicely and helping around the house. But once again grandma comes around and undoes any work we've put in, in teaching her to value stuff.

I know grandparents love to spoil, and they have a right to treat them but surely weekly is a bit much?

That sounds hugely frustrating. I don’t have a solution, but would be as pissed off as you.

Simple
Say she must stop or she won't see her them

This is totally out of order when you have repeatedly asked her not to do this. It is you and your dh right to parent your children as you see fit. No one else's. I actually think she is being hugely disrespectfully both of you. I would sit down and explain, very clearly one more time and if she does it again I would say I'm sorry if you are going to continuously undermine our parenting we won't be bringing the dc again to you.

*disrespectful

My stepmum does this. Alongside undermining my parenting & badmouthing me to the kids when I'm not there. She never says no to them & they need reprogramming when they get home having entirely forgotten all their manners. Mine are aged 10 and 7 now, and the eldest has recently started saying she doesn't like her very much - she feels uncomfortable being spoiled and getting her own way all the time. So probably your kids will eventually see her for what she is. My kids don't like my stepmum being rude about me because they love me, not her. Thankfully we only see them a few times a year.

I'd honestly suggest cutting back drastically on how much you see her. Weekly sounds awful.

I feel the same. I think I'm going to stop them watching dds for a while if we're not there... And tell them why.

But don't want to stop contact as my dds would ultimately suffer too. Dh is amazing and always tells them honestly when we're unhappy with something they've done but it's not fair on the kids. They dont understand at 2 and 4 that it's excessive. A treat isn't a treat anymore it's just expected. I find it so hard for my parents as dd just isn't excited to see them at all now as they don't bring 'stuff'.

I agree with everyone else. Step 1: tell her in no uncertain terms that you're not putting up with this anymore. Step 2: keep a close eye or for her car the next time she comes over. Go out to the car and meet her- make sure she has nothing with her before inviting her in. Be prepared for tantrums, but just keep repeating the line 'you know we don't want you to buy the kids stuff, so you can come without it, or you can go home with it'

And treat her as you would a tantrumming child

you know we don't want you to buy the kids stuff, so you can come without it, or you can go home with it

That's amazing oh dear... Am definitely using this. Very direct and hard to argue with. Dh takes no prisoners when it comes to her tantrums... Shuts it down straight away. It's amazing how she can go from a grown woman to a whining child in 3 seconds flat and then onto nasty. It's so manipulative.

elportodelgato your step mum sounds awful. Thankfully you've not got to encounter her crappy behaviour too often. We've managed to cut the visits back to every other weekend, but even then mil turns up unannounced. Sometimes fil even just walks into our house without knocking. I now lock the door so they are forced to knock but the lack of boundaries is just amazing

OP I have a similar problem with my mum. She lives further away so we see her less often (about every month), but every time she comes she brings chocolate, colouring books, toys etc. It's always tacky stuff marketed for kids too. I haven't really addressed it yet, but am starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with it. DS loves her, as she brings gifts and will sit and play with him all day (this part is good, I guess, but I feel like it comes from a bad place).

I get the sense that she desperately wants to be loved and to be the favourite grandparent. Unfortunately DS's behaviour deteriorates when she is around. He is typically whiney and whingey and bossy for
a 3 year old, but she will never correct him. If I hear him being rude, I will pull him up on it, but she will undermine me and say "it doesn't matter". When I asked her to back me up on this, she said it was good as when he grows up he won't be a pushover! If I ask DS to do something while she is playing with him, she will not help chivvy him along. At a push she might say is "I can't play with you because mummy wants you to brush your teeth".

I am seriously worried about how all this will affect DS growing up as she is a massive influence on his life. She said it is not her job to parent him, but personally I think she has a responsibility to do better.

My PIL don’t live near us so tend to visit for a couple of days at a time. They seem scared that our DC won’t have anything to do while they are here so bring activities, games, books or toys every time they come. No matter how much I say that we have craft kits that DC received as birthday presents, toys that aren’t played with much and unread books, they still bring stuff. Quite often it’s slightly nostalgic stuff that kids find boring now. And the DC would love being taken by them to choose their own magazines while they are here.

I did come close to getting DH to fix it, but then my parents bought a load of stuff for our DC, so I lost the ‘it’s not fair’ angle.

There seems to be a couple of issues tied up here - you feel that your MIL is not listening to your request not to bring the (well, any!) stuff and that it makes your own parents look bad for no good reason. The bit about your own parents seems to be the tipping point here.

I can see it's irritating. My parents liked to bring a magazine for my DD at the same age, and to prevent duplicates we came up with a range of magazines they could get that would be different from ones that I bought her, because the more reading matter the better IMO! Restricting your MIL's choice of 'present' to a particular monthly magazine might work if she really won't drop it! although the come without/take it home is fabulous too

It does seem a tad unfair to use your DD's behavior to stem the flow though, there's no way your MIL is going to think it's fair that she can't hand over a magazine because of something that happened when she wasn't there! However - if your DD is making more out of the item she receives than actually greeting MIL, that may be a sign for MIL that she's not the big draw herself so your DD may do the job for you in the end

its disrespectful for her to not take your wishes into account.

Also why does it always have to be presents for the grandchildren what about the adults notice she dosent pitch up for anything for you the mother?

It dosent do the kids anygood to have presents all the time and they dont need them.

sorry for some unknown reason my laptop has gone bonkers.

Mockorangey I could have written your post - mil is EXACTLY the same but with a side of spite. She has tried to compete with my parents from day 1 (no idea why as neither of my parents will compete - they just arent like that) and she deliberately calls our dc 'her babies' in front of my parents and tries to belittle them if they are all together at the same time. My dm is completely oblivious bless her.
Not sure how you go forward when they just dont respect your choices as a parent. I find it incredibly disrespectful and can only imagine if dhs grandparents had behaved like this shed have hit the roof. Re: her saying not her job to parent your child, if she is watching him she is taking on the parenting duties and should respect your opinion.

Panda the same happened to me earlier this year - couldnt really say anything as my parents arrived one weekend with gifts (but its once in a bloody blue moon and they ALWAYS ask before handing it over).

Living the thing with dd saying she wanted her other gp's wasnt what tipped us over the edge - it was the blatent disregard to our parenting decisions - and our right to choose how often gifts are brought round. It did upset us when she started making comments like that, but would be something we could try to discourge if we werent constantly trying to stop mil from going overboard. I do genuinely think that a gift 52 weeks a year is too much for any child, and can clearly see the kids behaviour change for the worse when they get so much. She is fantastic in other ways, the kids adore her, shes full of fun and will help if we need it but I cant bear to have someone sort of 'overrule' us when it comes to our dd's.

I just cannot stand to see spoiled kids, who have never been taught the value of things, and are never told no - just pacified with more more more.