sorry for the long story!
i am a 20 year old first time mum, i gave birth to my dear daughter when i was 19.
my beautiful daughter is now 7 and a half months old. i would not change her for the world she is absolutely perfect but is hard work! when she was 5 weeks old i was diagnosed with PND and it just gets worse and worse.
ever since she was born she would not go to anyone she was stuck to me like glue i breast fed her for the first week until the point i literally could not do it anymore as she was feeding every hour for 45 minuites my nipples felt like they were being cut with razors and i dreaded every feeding time! i then started her on fourmula thinking that my partner would also help out (which he didnt) it took him 6 weeks to even change her nappy. i thought it was because he was scared of hurting her but i soon realised it wasnt.
when she was 4 months old i found out that he had been taking cocaine ocasionally when with his friends (well thats what i thought) but when he used to come home from work and go to bed almost instant because he was ‘tired’ after a long day, thrre he was taking it on his own.. after that i kicked him out. he’d only been gone 2 days until I was the one begging him to come home. i spoke to his mother about it and he swore he would never do it again.
anyway these past 7 months have been so hard on me. i am doing everything on my own. im in the same routine; wake up, feed and change the baby, tidy up his mess from the night before, play with baby make lunch for baby change baby put wash on wash dishes then maybe by 3 pm ill be lucky to have a cup of tea. he comes home from work at 5 and then asks me why isnt there a cup of tea ready for him.. i just say ‘babe i havent even had a chance to have one myself all day’ and his reply ALWAYS is ‘yeah well i work hard’. you might work hard to get wages to spend on yourself! i work even harder to look after the house and your daughter (im still on MAT leave) then he asks me whats for tea when he can clearley see i am in the middle of attending to OUR daughter. hell go for a shower every night for about 40 minuites i am lucky to have a 4 minuite shower a WEEK! he never offers for me to go for one.
i forgot to mention my baby hates people and even cries with her dad. but i think thats because they have had mo time together. he just doesnt seem to want to and he doesnt help me out one bit. just argues over what i dont do. i am ment to be marrying this man in august and i am seriously having second thoughts. is this how its going to be for the rest of my life? or will things change? or am i just seeing good in him because i cant see all bad?
its gotten worse these past 2 months since hes stopped taking cocaine. when we argue he pushes me, shoves me, strangles me, kicks me, slaps me and the list goes on, but then he says that its because of me because of my attitude with him and lack of respect.. but seriously how am i meant to respect a man that doesnt even offer to look after his own daughter for 10 minuites for me to have a shower?
he works 5 days a week and uses the car so i am stuck in this house as public transport is rubbish around here, and he complains theres no food in the house?
i literally feel like a lone parent, and do you know what i mightaswel be. then atleast i wouldnt get frustrated over someone thats just there and gets to live his life as normal! i am SO jealous of all the mums out there that have someone to watch their kids, i adore her all this world but im in desperate need of some me time and im just not getting it.
im sorri if this makes no sence i dont know how to say it.