Second Baby, Struggling

[Mandi90]

Hi, I never post things online. I'mean not really a forum type of person. But I am so desperate and at the end of my rope lately that I am starving for advice from someone.
I'm sorry if this is long.
After being told I would never be able to have babies, my boyfriend and I were thrilled to find out I was unexpectedly pregnant. The rest of our families were not. So to appease the families, we had a quick pat he'd up marriage, no ceremony. And immediately moved in together a month before baby came. My daughter is our world. But I didn't get back on birth control quick enough and was pregnant again 7 months later. So now here I am with a new toddler and a baby two months away. My husband and I never have time to even spend with each other. I am having a complicated pregnancy, so I don't cook or clean or even pay the amount of attention to my daughter that she deserves. I work all week, he works everyday. We bring in decent money but it's never enough, besides the fact a baby is coming. I know I am going through depression not only because of hormones but also because of our circumstances, also the fact I barely sleep at all because of this pregnancy and because our toddler is now going through sleep changes. Our marriage isn't even a marriage anymore. We barely talk or have time to. He has school coming up as well. I have no friends anymore and my family is too far to help. We can't afford a babysitter or nanny.
Basically, I feel trapped and angry. My husband is carrying a lot and I can't do anything to help. It put stress on even our friendship much less our marriage. I can barely make it through a load of laundry without getting tired. I just feel so desperate and tired. I feel angry about this baby even though I know it's irrational and I should be grateful because I am able to have children. Has anyone else been in this situation? I need something, a plan or a solution. Something to change and get us out of this impossible hole.
Thank you.

Hi OP 💐 didn’t want to read and run, and can’t advise on what to do except stay calm and get to the end of your pregnancy. This is a really hard stage but it will pass. Also, the tiredness, exhaustion, and not seeing each other is normal when you have a small child, even when there is no second one on the way. Add to that pregnancy related exhaustion and that makes things even harder. Hopefully your husband understands this too and is patient.

Have you thought moving your toddler in with you for a few months (works for some, not for others) so you all get some sleep. Because that would help a lot in staying calm and giving you strength, and also ensuring that you and your DH have the energy and strength to get through this difficult time. If you are both woken up in the middle of the night, several times, this makes things a lot worse. Of course, compensate with snatched private time alone together, no matter how short, even a few minutes of caresses, it can be enjoyed better if neither of you is exhausted.

Hi, thank you for your replies. We have tried putting her in with us. But she refuses to sleep in our bed. The pediatricians think she may be hyperactive. She doesn't nap at all and will only sleep in one spot in her pack and play crib and only for about 5 hours a night. And even then it's very rough and constant waking up during the 5 hours, even now she is stirring. And yes you are so right, I try to get a few minutes with him but it's almost impossible with her always awake and under my feet and with our schedules he's leaving as I'm coming home. And lately, he's got so much pressure financially on him, that he's distant and spending time together is the last thing on his mind. I promise I'm not trying to make excuses. There are just so many things going on, I have been trying to do as you said , hang on til the end of the pregnancy at least but we're supposed to be moving out before then, huge bills on the way, I have huge outstanding hospital bills. It's just too much for two people to handle it feels like.

Keep going OP, it will get better even though it doesn’t feel like it. Don’t give up, try and get as much sleep as possible, for all of you. 💐 that is the Nr 1 priority right now, and bit by bit other things will become possible.

Thank you so much. And you are right. Sleep makes such a difference. It's still hard and nothing has changed except my Mom came down and watched her for a night and it just feel like I can think much clearer, I don't feel so panicked. It feels so nice to know there are people out there that know what it's like and that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

I am also due with DD2 but we have a huge age gap, and whilst I am extremely stressed and also getting panicky, It is nothing compared to looking after a toddler whilst being pregnant, as you have.
We moved DD into my bed after two years of broken nights. She did sleep in her own bed at first but once she turned 4 nothing on earth would get her to fall back to sleep without me. So I was waking up between 1-4 times a night and nothing worked. I was at breaking point for months. Kindness or strictness or tiring her out, absolutely nothing worked. Until she moved into my bed, after which it was like magic : all three of us had unbroken nights, we were all happier and stopped getting Ill. Previously we had all been ill through most of the winter and that stopped almost overnight. A lot of criticism from other people but I couldn’t give a flying fxxx. Of course we have as much parent time as possible but we are generally happier and our marriage is better because we are all sleeping well and have time to think about love and talk together etc rather than just permanent zombie exhaustion.
Keep on working on the sleep and at some point things will get better, hopefully before the baby arrives!!! Could your mother come and help around that time?