Deciding to have another DC

[CertainSlant]

Interested in how people make this decision.

For me, ttc 1 & 2 were a straightforward choice, knew that I wanted children and more than one.

Now I am agonising about whether to ttc DC3 and I really don’t know what to do. I don’t feel “done”, I love the idea of more children, of having larger family, but at the same time I know how hard the reality will be.

DCs are nearly 3 and 5. Finally sleeping through (most nights). Holidays are once again fun. I feel like we are through the really hard work phase. Plus one is quite a “sensitive” character and definitely needs enough one-on-one time.

It would make much more sense to stick with two.

And yet, something in me really wants another.

How did other people make the final decision? I dread the exhaustion and fear not being able to give my existing DC what they need. But I can’t stop daydreaming about being pregnant and having a family of three.

For me, I knew that once I’d got to yourcstage, I’d never want to go back. It also helped that I’d had mine quite late.

How does your DH feel?

You'll get a variety of responses here I should think op.
I felt like you, in fact we wanted 4 dc. I had a 3rd & as much as I love all 3 of my dc with every bit of me, in hindsight life would've been much easier with 2. I find it more difficult to split myself between 3, everything is obviously more expensive, silly things like booking family tickets, hotel rooms, doing activities as a family can be annoying as most things are aimed at a family of 4. I know these things are trivial but I think it's trying to split my time with everyone that can be most frustrating. All that said though we are a happy, close family & I wouldn't change them for the world

I went for a third, I certainly enjoyed having a baby and toddler again but, being really honest, I've struggled to maintain the level of interest in his schooling and out of school activities that were lavished on the older two and I have been much slacker about everything from diet to bedtimes. Primary school third time round seemed to go on for ever! Money is starting to be a concern now we have three big teenagers, three lots of driving lessons, three lots of uni expenses...
Obviously I'd never wish him away but having three used up all my mental reserves, I had very little left for anything else. ( My older two have had various issues over the years, no. 3 is the "easy" one).

Watching with interest. Currently having similar dilemma with my DH - we have a 2 year old...should we add another knowing how hard the sleepless nights etc will be (DC on was a nightmare and I had a crap pregnancy and birth). How does anyone decide this stuff?!

I've always known I want 2, 1 boy, 1 girl, born about 5-6 years apart. My first child is nearly 3, so hopefully we will have another in a few years. If that's a girl then no more. If not then I'm not sure yet

Really interesting. The other mums of three confirm my concerns about being over-stretched!

Oddly I feel like I am choosing between a nicer/easier life and the wonder/love that comes with another child. It feels “lazy” somehow to opt for the nicer life, and yet I think my existing children might benefit from having a more relaxed and attentive mother. Plus I would like to get my career back on track etc.

To answer PP’s question, my husband is also nervous another child but he would like a girl (we have two boys - I don’t care about sex and anyway nothing we could do about it!).

It is such a difficult decision. I am really worried about getting it wrong because the consequences seem so life changing.

Op you won't get it wrong either way, it's just naturally harder to divide your time & attention the more you have.
Believe me you're not lazy if you do opt to stick with two, it's hard work being a mum no matter how many you have
I have 3 dd all 2 years apart from one another - I dread them being teenagers & the girly traumas & hormones that come with it

I have three boys!

I could have written everything you have said last year op. I have decided to be 'lazy' and take the easier option as I want my boys to have a happy, energetic, loving mum..and my husband to have a nice wife. Although in my head three children would be amazing, I know in reality (for me personally) it wouldn't benefit my existing family and they are my priority. I know I would struggle splitting myself between them, and financially it would limit us. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I have 3 and it’s utterly wonderful. Our family feels complete and they all have a great time together. We do lots as a family but also make sure children get one-on-one time. We’re lucky in that we can afford some help in the form of a cleaner.
We always wanted 3 and are definitely happy to have a big, noisy family. Things like it being easier to book hotels for 4 have never bothered me.. we just go to villas or lodges now or to hotels that don’t mind accommodating 5.
If you have a yearning for another baby, I don’t think you’ll regret it. It makes me a bit cross if anyone suggests that 3 kids don’t get quality time. If you make it a priority and are a loving parent, your kids will have a good childhood.
And if they get on as they get older, well how lovely for them to have more than one sibling?

I also read something wonderful on mn a long time ago from
somebody who was one of 3. They said their parents made holidays really special by letting each dc have “their day” where they got to choose the activities, favourite restaurant for dinner etc. I thought that was a really nice example of how you can have several children but make each one feel on top of the world in different ways

I didn't feel "done" after having two whereas four is out of the question!!!
In my head i did worry about the logistics of having three though and whether I would have enough patience to deal with three kids acting up.

As it turns out the decision was taken for us. DD1 and DD2 are both IVF babies due to male and female factor infertility. Hey presto I am now naturally pregnant with DS1 on my second cycle after stopping BFing. I have no idea how. I guess my body really wanted that baby!

I am slightly bricking it though as they will each be less than 2 years apart. For me though I would rather stay in the trenches for a few years than have a bigger gap.

It is hard Chloe, I have small age gaps. But also wanted to be in the trenches all at once than have big age gaps.
It’s also amazing.. you will look at them all and feel complete I’m sure. Congratulations

stay in the trenches

"Now I am agonising about whether to ttc DC3"

I'm currently going through the stress of A levels with DD, so my response is why would you choose to go through this 3 times?

Seriously, at this point I'm glad I ony had one.

I had quite a big gap, dd1 was 9 and dd2 6 when dd3 was born. We felt we weren't done with just the two but from the moment dd3 arrived I felt complete. It's like a switch. In fact sometimes I think there was a switch and they flicked it whilst sorting out my third lot of stitches.
I would say we felt stretched but obviously there is more going on. Dd3 is amazing and I feel very lucky to have my trio. One of two myself I think my three is a much more interesting dynamic. We have been blessed indeed.

Sorry that should say I wouldn't say I felt stretched!

I've got the same issue. DS2 (now 11 months) has been a very 'testing' baby, but I've hankered for a third since I had him and have kind of checked with myself when he's been awful wether I really want another one, and I always said yes. However, spanner in the works is that DH says he's done, so not sure how this one is going to go

There's a big part of me that would like dc3 but the factors which mean I won't are:

• very bad birth with dc2 and I just wouldn't risk my health like that again with two kids depending on me

• bad mental health after both dc and I wouldn't put dh or myself through that again

• money

I’ve just had DC3, she’s 8 weeks now. It’s a cliche, I know, but after DC1 and 2 I just didn’t feel ‘done’ - I’d look at them together and feel like someone was missing. Now DC3 is here I don’t feel like that at all any more, the family feels complete.
Practical considerations outweigh any potential future wish for another one - we can afford 3 and still do all the things we’d like to do with them.
I’ve found going from 2-3 much harder than 1-2 but think I’m still doing a reasonably good job; I’d definitely struggle to juggle any more. I think 4 would, for me personally, tip the balance from fun and manageable to chaos - the hard bits increase with every baby!
I don’t want to push my luck - 3 lovely births, 3 healthy babies. Each pregnancy has been more stressful and difficult and I don’t want to risk permanent physical damage.
So - any more babies will not be deliberate! BUT I am so, so glad we had DC3 and I know I’d never have felt finished if we hadn’t had her - I’d always have felt that little gap where she should have been.

We've got two and can't decide, we both want another but worry about how we'd cope.

What I would say is I was one of three and I never felt like my parents didn't have enough time for us, but I think I was a pretty laid back kid.

Thanks oly! You made such a lovely description of your family of 5. I really like the suggestions you made too, it just goes to show that making a child feel special doesn't mean dedicating huge amounts of time or money, it really can be something as simple as letting each child choose one meal a week!