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Original poster

Anyone else's DH get stared at or just plain ignored when he goes to toddler group?

46 replies

AttillaTheHan · 21/05/2007 11:03

My Dh recently started working flexible hours which means he gets a day off a fortnight to spend with our ds. This is fab and he was really looking forward to doing lots of activities with him but after going to a couple of local groups he is totally pissed off at the way he is treated 'like a leper' by all the mums.

its not like he's an odd looking bloke or unfriendly himself.

It makes me mad. whay are some mums so unfriendly? It is because they are suspicious of a bloke being there?

aaaaaaaaaggh!

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bohemianbint · 21/05/2007 12:26

Well, only had 2 minutes to catch up with Fella before he had to go to work but seems like he and DS had a fab time. To be honest I think he's angling after being a SAHD.

If he'd have gone to the Tuesday group he might have had a different experience. It's much bigger and everyone kind of sits around the edge of the room whilst about 80 kids go mental in the middle. I sometimes find them a bit hard going but only because I'm new at it and not always fantastic at small talk. I went to a sling meet recently and I have to say I found that really hard going.

Interesting thread!

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 21/05/2007 13:23

From what everyone is saying it sounds like dh should try another group or persevere with the current group whilst making an effort to mix with the others - without the women thinking that he's flirting with them!

Unquietdad - I know what you mean about the 'hiding behind the papers' dads but my dh was apparently slap bang in the middle of all the action and joined in with singing

thanks for all opinions...

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ipanemagirl · 21/05/2007 14:04

I knew a lot of dads at toddler groups and they seemed to have a variety of experiences. The gregarious ones fared best - I think the same goes for mothers....

But I was often friendly to some dads who were either shy or defensive and were positively cool in return almost as if I was trying to pick them up (I certainly wasn't!!). It's hard to be friendly if people don't welcome friendliness.

One dad I saw with 2 under 3s recently nearly snapped my head off when I said something friendly to him. He seemed to take any chat very defensively. I'm more wary of dads now in those situations!

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Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 21/05/2007 14:11

Fair point I can understand where you are coming from but do you think you would have the same attitude in general to all mums 'be more wary of dads now' if a woman had been snotty to you at a toddler group?

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MerryMarigold · 21/05/2007 14:15

my dh took ds to a toddler group last week and had a couple of good conversations with women there. there is a dad who sometimes comes to ours and i try and chat to him/ play with his son, but he generally keeps himself to himself, so i guess he prefers it that way...

also i think it takes time to 'break into the group'. it has taken me over a year to feel really comfortable at toddler group and i am a woman!

barbamama · 21/05/2007 14:23

I think I would treat them the same to be honest - I would warm to anyone who was friendly to me irrespective of gender. As I say tho, I went with an established group of friends so maybe I haven't noticed what it would be like to go on my own - I think I would just get on with it and play with ds if noone looked like they were open to conversation.

Gumbo · 21/05/2007 14:32

My DH is a SAHD, and he has had numerous bad experiences too. However, before he decided to do the SAHD role we spent a lot of time discussing this, and the likelihood of him never fitting in etc, so at least he expected it. His solution tends to be to play with DS (18mo) - the other toddlers tend to gather round to play too, and generally their mothers start to get involved and talk to him.

Fortunately we also still keep in touch with our NCT group who know him well and are brilliant, which definitely helps!

tinymum · 21/05/2007 14:35

I think its hard for anyone, male or female, when they first go to a toddler group. It can be a lonely experience until people 'get used' to you.

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 21/05/2007 14:40

I agree but when dh and I have gone (seperately) to the same toddler group on different occasions I have found more people have been willing to start conversations with me than dh and he found that he was treated with suspicion if he started talking to or playing with other people's children (who by the way tend to gather round him for some reason)

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Chirpygirl · 21/05/2007 14:45

We have the opposite problem, a man came into our group last week and said his daughters were in the car and he just wanted to check it was okay to just turn up, we all were very chatty and saying to bring them in...and he never came back
I miss the dads that used to come as they were great for tiring out the toddlers with chasing and shouting games while we all sat and laughed at them!

I think we frightened him!

UnquietDad · 21/05/2007 15:02

ipanemagirl - what did you say to him and what did he say back?

ipanemagirl · 21/05/2007 15:15

Unquiet I said something like "you've got a handful there!" sort of thing, it's the kind of empathetic comment which most women are totally fine with but to be fair, the moment I said it I thought - he's gonna feel patronised! And he said something like :
"I DO IT ALL THE TIME.................................!!!" And I regretted saying that! So fair enough, I think that was probably my fault! But it is true that some men are not easy with friendliness.

UnquietDad · 21/05/2007 15:16

eek! sounds as if he was over-sensitive and thought his parenting was being criticised.

ipanemagirl · 21/05/2007 15:20

Yes and I didn't mention that he looked a bit like Keira TwiceNightly's squeeze and looked really depressed as well (which is why I spoke to him not because I fancied a bit of young lad action!!!) My neice said he fancied himself but I thought he was just hating his day; his kids were being perfectly normal and he was shouting at them whatever they did! Not to judge him at all, I know what those days can be like.

aardfark · 21/05/2007 17:06

AttillaTheHan - the 'ooh does anyone know how to get the lid on this sippy cup?' normally opens convos at ours! Or 'gahhh, that's going to stain, anyone got a wetwipe?'

Seriously though, I find the best way is to find the organiser (usually someone like me) and say 'it's my first time, can you introduce me?' and if he can only remember the names of the bolshiest women there...he'll be fine - they will marshall him into being more mumsy than the most chintzy mumsy there.

ipanemagirl · 21/05/2007 18:04

Unquiet he looked just like this but with his clothes on.

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 22/05/2007 08:48

Thanks Aardfark. Anyone else got any tips on how he / we can penetrate even the toughest toddler group without looking or feeling like a pillock?

It honestly does get soul destroying after 45 minutes of unreturned "so whats your son/daughter called" type conversations...

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ipanemagirl · 22/05/2007 09:51

The best way I found was to help set up and clear up, 'the committee' will usually have friendly people. At our m&t group we loved people who helped! We had young kids too but we still set up and cleared away. It breaks the ice if people see you're a helper not a crash/sip/chat/n'eat parent. We were eternally amazed at how some parents at our lovely group would never lift a finger with anything!

barbamama · 22/05/2007 11:46

yes and offer to do the tea/coffee - that way he gets to chat to everyone coming up for a cuppa and they will all be positively inclined towards him if he is handing out tea and biscuits.

Pamina · 22/05/2007 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 23/05/2007 09:00

My god thats awful Pamina

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