My newborn doesn't seem to like me..

[Daisy92]

Okay, so I didnt want to write this, but I'm struggling with holding my emotions in..

I adore my 3-week-old newborn. Honestly, he's my entire world and I could just burst with pride whenever I see him. But I don't feel that the love is reciporated in any way.

I've not been able to breastfeed, which i think has a lot to do with my current feelings. But I also can't seem to soothe or settle him as well as my partner. He also doesn't stare at me as much as he does with him. I feel like a spare part.

I'm with him all day, everyday, whereas my partner is not. I'm also the only one who does night feeds and changes his nappy. So honestly, I don't understand why he's not bonding with me.

I'm finding this heartbreaking, and I appreciate how ridiculous I sound. But does anyone have any advice for me?

It takes time.
He isnt thinking.
Everything he does is instinctive.
Just talk to him, cuddle him.
He doesnt yet know he is a separate person.
Talk to your midwife or health visitor.

Oh I just want to hug you. It's so tough the early weeks and they don't smile so it can feel pretty relentless.

He DOES love you though he really does. Not all babies are easily soothed you will see the love more and more over the next few weeks.

His 3 weeks
His no idea what hate is

The more you talk to him the more he will bond.
I will never forget my babies's first smiles.
Although dd smiled at my lovely friend before she smiled at me. However she is 20 now and we love each other.

Go easy on yourself Daisy, caring for a newborn can be a bit of a slog and seem like a thankless task. I remember feeling like my baby girl couldn’t care less about me, it’s not true though! All those nappy changes, all those night feeds, all the love and care you are giving is priceless. Your baby loves his mummy, he just doesn’t know how to show it yet.

Keep going, you are doing a wonderful job and in a few weeks you’ll be getting smiles as a reward for all this bloody hard work.

If you really feel you’re struggling, not bonding, is there a health visitor or midwife you can have a chat with?

He probably stares at your DP because he’s a novelty. You aren’t, because to your DS you and he (your DS) are one. You’re a part of him and he’s a part of you. Maybe he’s not quieting for you because you’re the safe space he can let all his emotions out in.

To newborn babies the world must seem a scary place at times. They need to be able to let that out in a secure place. You’re his safe place. You’re not a spare part, you’re the other part of him right now. Breast feeding or not, you two are a little dyad. You don’t think twice about bawling your head off about things when you’re on your own I bet. I know I don’t. He’s the same. He doesn’t see you as separate so he doesn’t have to hold anything in!

Maybe your DP can soothe him and that’s lovely, but trust me, as soon as he develops more awareness of you as being a separate entity he is going to LOVE you. Oh my God. Just wait till he says “I yuv you” got the first time. Everything else will melt away. It won’t last forever but for a few gorgeous years you will be his everything.

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. Being at home with a new baby is toooooough. People talk about love and fulfillment and joy. Well yes, but for me it was mainly love, terror, isolation, exhaustion, boredom and loneliness with occasional tiny moments of joy. The struggle with breastfeeding can really compound that so just be alert to the possibility of postnatal depression and your own emotions and talk to someone in real life about them to get an objective opinion- your HV or GP, anyone.

And remember you’re not alone in feeling this way. It will get better.

He knows your heartbeat, he knows your voice, he knows your smell.

If he lost any of those things he would be terrified. He loves you more than you know, it's just a different kind of love.

Right now, you are his world!

He's already bonded with you, he's attempting to bond with your partner. He doesn't hate you, he's already trusting you so much, he is taking you for granted.

Unfortunately, a lot of being a mother is feeling like furniture.

He loves you, you're his mum, and because you're there 24/7 and do everything you don't notice him staring at you but do at your dp because it's less often. I had the same problem

I thought babies did not see/focus as we do for a time so did not worry about it. Bottle or breast you are his world.

www.parents.com/baby/development/physical/understanding-your-babys-developing-vision/

Hey sorry your feeling this way I felt the same way my baby is now nearly 5 months and she smiles at me a lot that will come to your also and believe me your baby loves your more than anything , 3 weeks is such a small amount of time and your emotions will be everywhere keep holiding and talking and smiling to your baby the rewards will come x

I went through all this, from the being unable to breastfeed, right through to convincing myself that my DD would be better off without me and everything in between.

If you're already recognising that you're not feeling quite right, so much the better and you've done a really brave thing to put that out here.

Please, please keep venting and have a chat with your health visitor. You won't be judged and it was one of the things that made a huge difference to me being able to be completely honest with someone who wasn't close to me, wouldn't view me as abnormal or wierd for not being 'normal' and who knew how to support me and get me the help I needed. Knowing you have that safety net is really important.

I now think I was projecting a lot of my own issues onto my baby. Have a read up about attachment styles and see if you recognise any pattern. It can be helpful in thinking about why you feel the way you do and in articulating your feelings when talking to others.

Feel free to PM if you would like to talk. Trying not to post too much of what I went through here, (PND, anxiety, detachment from DD, MH intervention, therapy and another baby on the way) but very happy to discuss if it might help you. I'm now 17 months down the line from where you are and it's only really been in the last three or four months that I feel I've turned the corner with a lot of help and building up the safety net of people I can call on for help.

The first few months are rotten. Remember you've just been dropped in a full time job for which you have had no training, no experience and the instructions were lost when you got the baby. You've had no sleep and you're drowning in hormones still.

It might also be useful to remember that if he doesn't seem that interested in you, it could be because you're doing such a good job of looking after him that he's very content and feeling secure enough to be able to spend his time studying the world instead of fretting about where you are and what you're doing. Turns out that was what was 'wrong' with DD. I just couldn't see it.

Sending an unmumsnetty hug and will be thinking of you.

I’m pretty sure I read it takes longer than this for a newborn to realise you are not part of him.
He doesn’t need to show you love or relate to you as another person because you’re his everything, part of him. I’ll see if I can find a link.

I felt like this for a good few weeks too even though I was breastfeeding. I felt like he only wanted me for milk and hated me otherwise. He wouldn't go to sleep for me (but would for my partner) and I found it very hard to settle him at all to the point I spent the first day my OH returned to work sobbing all day (he'd had four weeks off). I was convinced he would cry non stop and I wouldn't be able to do anything for him but it did get better. Even now at 10m there are nights my OH gets up because I can't get him to go back to sleep, but I just take it on the chin and am glad of going back to sleep while he sorts it out!

I recently read a memoir by Kate Gross (Fragments of Hapiness, I think?) and she talks about how all the love and care you give children early on is like burying treasure - they don't necessarily see it or appreciate it at the time, but it does amazing things for them over and over throughout their lifetime, helping them to be contented, balanced and kind human beings. Think of all the treasure you've buried just in one day! It all counts. And the bond will come, you'll see. Think of this as the fourth trimester for the newborn - still figuring out which way is up.

I just want to echo what everyone has said - he doesn't yet know that he's a seperate person to you. You are his mum, his whole world and he just takes that for granted. He's staring at your partner because he's starting to bond with him and work out who he is - he already knows exactly who you are

It will get a bit easier when he starts smiling and interacting a bit more, but for now enjoy your gorgeous, squishy newborn. You are his whole world, moon and stars.

OP, I could have written this at 3 weeks. I was upset that I couldn't breastfeed (he'd cry as soon as he approached my breast), that partner was able to soothe him when I couldn't, and when I held him he wouldn't look at me because he was always looking at my partner. I was so insecure and cried and wasn't sure my baby loved me.

Now, I'd say the attachment to each of us is equally strong and there's no question we love each other. I see it when he's always looking for me whenever I'm out of sight, when he can only be comforted by me when he's upset and tired, or uses me as prop to try to stand and won't try it anywhere else.

Your love for your lo will also change and grow. I was in awe of mine for the first few weeks, but I became much more aware of how much I loved him when he started interacting, and smiling.

It's going to be ok OP, listen to the responses here!

Bless you. I was also unable to breastfeed (so chose to express milk and am still doing that at 7 months, so I know how emotionally devastating it can feel to not be able to feed your baby how you wanted to). I also remember feeling around the same time that I might as well not be there for my baby as everyone else could meet his needs, which definitely linked to the feeding issues.

It does get better, I promise. Your little one can barely see more than a few centimetres at this time but will recognise your voice from when they were growing. Giving birth is a life altering event for you both and you're in such early days still- both still learning every day. I found when my boy started to show a little more personality (eg consciously smiling at people) around 8 weeks-ish it became so much easier to bond with him and feel reassured that he loved me back. It will happen, just go easy on yourself 😊

To your baby, you're like oxygen. Totally necessary to his existence and so ubiquitous that he doesn't think of you as a separate entity.

Yet! Just you wait for how magical it gets.

My 6 year old came running up to me after a day at school shouting Mama Mama, desperate for a hug.

It comes. He doesn't even know he's got hands yet, never mind an appreciation of the mother-son bond.

Take it easy on yourself

Oh op

Honestly - newborn babies are dreadful at making you feel like you’re doing anything right. Once he starts smiling it will all start feeling better, I promise. And that is just the first developmental leap which will make it feel like it’s a two way relationship.

I didn't feel as strongly as you did about it but when DD was tiny (she's now 10mo) I'd say up to 3mo, she definitely preferred DP. I think she would get bored of me by afternoon and become a bit of a whinge, then as soon as he walked in the door she would beam at him and get super excited.

I'm definitely the favourite now though. Mummy is the fun one

Oops posted early, so what I was going to say was things change very quickly and I really wouldn't worry. Your baby is too young to smile and really express emotions yet, newborns don't do much except just 'be'. Don't worry OP

Please be kind to yourself OP!!

As others have said he doesn't even realise he's a separate person to you yet, and he's certainly not capable of disliking you.

Just spend lots of time working him out and enjoying him... but don't take anything personally. You've got to practise that for when they're older and they really do dislike you! 😂

Babies so quiet so seem to be settled when they are frightened. It is a survival response so they don’t get eaten by predators. He is been quiet with others because he does not feel safe without Mummy.