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Original poster

Dummy at nursery

25 replies

sunnyfields25 · 05/06/2018 14:31

My DS had a few settling in sessions at nursery recently, and when I went to collect him from one last week I was surprised to find him with a dummy in his mouth. I'd made it clear that he only has one at home for naps and nighttime, but the member of staff said he was very upset and she'd been unable to settle him by cuddling etc.

Not sure how I feel about this really... I've never given him a dummy any time other than bedtime/naptime at home and that works really well. I don't want him to get used to having one readily available during the day, and it makes me a bit uneasy how quick to resort to dummies they were. Then again he is still settling in and I don't want him getting upset unnecessarily.

Has anyone else been in a similar boat, and if so, did you let your LO have a dummy at nursery, at least during the settling-in period?

Thanks so much

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Sirzy · 05/06/2018 14:33

How old is he?

If he is a baby still then it wouldn’t bother me at all.

A 3 year old I would be less impressed!

Blueisland · 05/06/2018 14:34

It’s wrong of them to give a dummy without your peemission. I had something similar and just asked the staff not to give one. I think it’s perfectly fine for you to say that and the staff should respect your choice. It would be far worse for a dummy to be given regularly during the settling in period and then taken away. You won’t be the first parent to say this to them.

WTFdidwedo · 05/06/2018 14:35

I think mine uses a dummy at nursery far more than at home because she fucking hates nursery and they probably do everything they can to shut her up!

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Original poster

sunnyfields25 · 05/06/2018 14:47

He's a year old @Sirzy, so kind of in between.

I was pretty shocked because we'd explained so clearly that he only has it for sleep times. As a result I gave a bit of a garbled response asking them to only use it if he gets very upset and they can't settle him. But now I'm wondering if that's the right thing. As you say @Blueisland it might be worse if he gets used to it and then it's taken away. I just hate the thought of him being stuck there all upset if there's something that could make him settle.

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Original poster

sunnyfields25 · 05/06/2018 14:48

This has also made me question whether it's as good a nursery as I thought it was, and whether we should be looking elsewhere. But I'm not sure if that's over-reacting given he's only just started. And I don't want to cause even more upheaval for him.

OP posts:

Blueisland · 05/06/2018 14:59

Can they give him something else to help him settle, like a special soft toy from home? Otherwise the dummy habit might become difficult to break, especially as he is a year old and not a tiny baby. Settling in is hard but he will be ok. You shouldn’t feel guilty that he isn’t getting a dummy. The flipside (although extreme) is that the nursery staff start giving it to him all the time to make their job easiet, when he should be making lots of sounds for speech development. Probably better to nip this in the bud now, he will learn to be confident and content without it.

Original poster

sunnyfields25 · 05/06/2018 15:24

Yes my DH has just suggested the same thing actually, about sending a toy from home instead. Problem is there isn't anything he's particularly attached to so if he was as distraught as they say he was today then I'm not sure it'd work. I've been trying to get him attached to a little comforter but so far he's ignored it.

I'm in agreement with everything you've said though. It just doesn't sit well with me, the idea of him having made it to a year with no interest in daytime dummies and then all of a sudden being given easy access to them. I'm worried he'll start wanting one when he's at home too, or worse still, that they'll lose their magic as a sleep aid!

OP posts:

Murane · 05/06/2018 15:26

Is it his dummy that you've sent from home? Can you not resolve the issue simply by taking away the dummy from nursery?

Original poster

sunnyfields25 · 05/06/2018 15:28

No @Murane unfortunately it's a spare one they had there. But we'll be sending a dummy with him anyway because he uses it for nap times.

OP posts:

Murane · 05/06/2018 15:31

unfortunately it's a spare one they had there
Yuck that's disgusting! I would have gone nuts if they'd given my child some manky old dummy!

MrsJayy · 05/06/2018 15:37

This was a totally new situation for your baby i do think giving him the dummy as a comfort is fine for now he is settiling in send one in though and just emphasise he usually only gets it for naps so try and not give him it.

MrsJayy · 05/06/2018 15:39

You don't know if it was any manky old dummy it could have come out a packet.

ImMrsBrightside · 05/06/2018 15:48

I would be annoyed at this simply as they aren't respecting your wishes and parenting choices. I chose my DD's nursery as they made it clear that they do things in different ways and accommodate parent's choices i.e. some have dummies, some parents asked for their children to cry to sleep, some said never leave to cry etc. I get that its not an easy job but they should be able to clam your son and build trust/relations with him, especially during settling in, whilst respecting your requests.

bummymum · 05/06/2018 16:08

I would be very very unhappy with this.

MrsJayy · 05/06/2018 16:09

It was a settiling in session maybe the boy was diatressed the op did tell the nursery worker he had a dummy so probably a last resort see how it goes nursery nurses are not mary poppins they need time to get to know their children and the children them.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 05/06/2018 17:03

I think for settling sessions it is fine but I would expect when he is settled that they only give it for nap times.

Original poster

sunnyfields25 · 05/06/2018 17:30

Yep I wasn't too impressed at the use of another dummy but it could have been new, and if not I suppose there's plenty of saliva exchange going on with toys in mouths anyway.

I think part of the problem is it's knocked my trust in the nursery because as you say @ImMrsBrightside they haven't respected what we'd asked them to do. They had my phone number and could have given me a quick ring to see if it was ok to give him a dummy in between nap times.

DH and I are now so torn between saying yes use the dummy as a last resort (but each person's definition of a last resort may differ) or saying please never give a dummy unless nap time. I hate the thought of DS being upset but don't want to set a precedent where he will then only tolerate being at nursery if he has his dummy all day.

I keep thinking what if we'd already weaned him off a dummy, or if he'd simply never had one. Surely there are other ways of settling children in these circumstances?

OP posts:

beargrass · 05/06/2018 17:38

I wouldn't be too alarmed. It's caught you off guard so you can go back and think about how to raise it if you want to (nothing to stop you doing that). I've been caught on the hop about things sometimes re: childcare and I have gone back and raised it.

If it helps, mine had a dummy and a comforter which were only for nap time as well but of course when settling in, that is a bit different. The staff want them to settle well, so they will make it easy for the babies.

Over time, mine didn't have either for nap time at nursery but did at home! We just ditched the dummy by not giving it one night time, and she was fine. BUT she then did become very attached to soft toys. It was a bit intense(!). I think this was just a step in reassuring herself and it's passed.

Overall, I think when they have a bit of independence, they will fall back on things like dummies and soft toys etc., but it's quite normal.

I couldn't get worked up about them sharing dummies I'm afraid...kids put anything and everything in their mouths and no one can watch them all of the time to check things like that. Obviously they should then clean them and hand them back to the right baby, but it's not something to get too worried about.

MrsJayy · 05/06/2018 18:39

I would see how it goes once he starts properly you can keep at nursery that he just gets it for naps but he is going through a big change to his routine. I would concern myself about him settiling then worry about the dummy and if you find the nursery isn't for you then change.

CocoLoco87 · 05/06/2018 18:48

First off, it shouldn't be a 'manky old dummy'. All dummies should be washed and sterilised after using.

If they know he uses one (albeit only at nap times) then they would have reached for one because they needed to. It can be really difficult settling in a new child, especially if their crying upsets other children.

If you're not happy with the use of a dummy in this situation then just tell them plainly not to give it to him. It's ok to be firm on what you want for your child.
(I work in a nursery. I sympathise with both sides that you want your routine kept, but it's also not good for the child to be very upset for a long time).

Original poster

sunnyfields25 · 05/06/2018 20:29

Thanks @beargrass, it's reassuring to know that you consider the settling-in period different even though your LO only had dummy for naps. And good to hear they eventually gave dummy up at nursery before home - that's impressive!

@MrsJayy and @CocoLoco87 thanks for your posts. It's interesting to hear from the other side of someone who works in a nursery. I know the nursery worker only had DS's wellbeing in mind and was just doing what was necessary to comfort him. I think it's the way in which it was done that has thrown me (kind of against our instructions). But it's done now, and I've realised my priority is getting DS settled into nursery with as little distress as possible. So I think we'll stick with the approach of giving dummy as a last resort if he's upset, in the hope that once he's more at ease there it won't be needed any more, and that it doesn't open the floodgates to him wanting a dummy all the time!

PS just to clarify the shared dummy wasn't really the issue. It initially surprised me to see DS sucking on someone else's dummy. But he stuffs every toy possible into his mouth, regardless of whether another child has just had it in theirs, so it's no different really.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 06/06/2018 10:41

I hope he settles soon

waterrat · 06/06/2018 12:33

oh my gosh OP - surely you want your baby to be settled? he is away from his mum for the first time in his life - with total strangers - and you would prefer them not to use the dummy?

It makes me think they are a GOOD nursery because they do all they can to comfort a little baby rather than follow rules.

waterrat · 06/06/2018 12:35

Just to add - once a baby/ toddler gets worked up it becomes more difficult to comfort them. Better in this transition period that you make sure the staff are able to comfort them quickly than that they stick to rules.

He isn't going to have a dummy stuck in his mouth for life just because it was used to soothe him during settling in period at nursery.

MrsAlbie · 07/06/2018 01:54

At my nursery, we would sterilise any spares/strays EVERY DAY. I know you're less bothered about the dummy itself, but just to reassure others that we do consider hygiene!

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