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Feeling depressed about my son's behaviour

4 replies

NottaNumber · 04/06/2018 16:50

Not sure what I am trying to achieve by writing this but I am feeling quite down about my DS (8)'s behaviour at the moment. Maybe it’s the end of a long half-term…

DS is not a bad kid and doesn’t get into trouble and he can be sweet and fun. When it’s just the two of us, he’s fine. In fact he would probably like to spend all his time at home. It’s when I take him into other social situations that the trouble starts.

He’s alway been an irritable child and he can loose his rag easily. I think he likes to feel in control of a situation and if he’s not 100% happy with a situation he can be really difficult (cries, stands still, tugs my arm, etc to avoid going somewhere). When you’re in a group though you have to go with the flow a little bit.

He enjoys being with his older cousins but hates being around his younger cousins and has to really try hard to be patient and kind when he’s with them (it doesn't come naturally). They are typical young children - they want to grab stuff, they have melt-downs etc, etc. He hates sharing his toys, he has trouble if another child does anything to annoy him, and he hates it when they cry.

He moans constantly when he’s ready to go home from somewhere even when others are happy staying longer (e.g a family picnic etc).

It depresses me that no one in my family would say he’s a good child. Maybe as his mum I can see the positive side of his character too, but I am under no illusions. In fact a couple of them have told me they think I should be far tougher on him and that his behaviour is entirely my fault. The truth is I have worked so hard at this. I try to be a good role model and often talk to him about treating each other respectfully and discipline when necessary. It’s so hard when he is just an inherently impatient, easily irritable and at times controlling child.

Just feeling like I've failed as a parent.

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FATEdestiny · 04/06/2018 22:01

Is it just you and him at home? No siblings?

It sounds like he's used to getting his own way, being pandered to. So when things font go his way, he doesn't think he should have you deal with that. In fact he has to learn, because in the real world he isn't the centre of the universe.

How about teaching him this in a kind way? There must be tactics, I'm sure parents of 1 child use various ideas. I'm youngest of three siblings and I have hour children - so learning to accommodate others has always been a natural process to me rather than something actively learnt.

Maybe if I bump I our thread others may have some ideas for you?

You mention talking to him about treating each other respectfully. But I think it's more about practical application than talking. So insist he does play kindly with others. If he doesn't then time him out and move your attention you other children who are playing nice. For example sit him away from play for 5 minutes and you sit on the floor with the younger cousins and actively be Fun Mum. After 5 mins, invite him back to join in but zero tolerance if he isn't kind and inclusive you others.

RideSallyRide76 · 04/06/2018 23:08

When you're at home together who gets to decide things like what you eat, what's on tv, what activity to do next etc? It's only me and ds in our little family and I deal into the trap early on of making things very easy for him at home. Activities that revolves around him, his programs etc. Somebody (work colleague) very nicely pointed it out to me and I've been strict ever since. "There's two of us in this family and today is my tv choice. Tomorrow you can choose. It's been a year and had a massive impact. Could something like this be an issue with you? It's easily done?

NottaNumber · 05/06/2018 09:42

Thanks for the replies. Yes it's just the two of us. Me and his dad split a while back. I do the vast majority of parenting and always have done.

As you say Sally, it's easy to end up doing what they want at home and maybe he does get his way too often. I will certainly think about it more now. He does watch the TV programmes of his choice while I get on with my own stuff but when we watch TV together we both decide.

I've always been really pro-active at arranging play-dates etc to make sure he does get used to sharing. Generally speaking it goes well and he will happily share his stuff with his friends (sometimes there are disputes but no more than other children I would say). It's only a problem with the younger cousins - he really struggles to cope with them. Maybe it's the unpredictability of a younger child (and the fact they can chew things and not take such good care etc) which I understand to a certain extent.

I feel depressed by his moaning and how difficult social meet-ups with family can be. I just wish for a more easy-going child sometimes.

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RideSallyRide76 · 05/06/2018 10:01

Could you sit down with him before hand and have an honest but gentle chat about how his behaviours are perceived and then follow this up with a plan of action. Help him choose some little toys or magazines to give to the little cousins on the day, role play what he could do/say if they annoy him, plan which toys he needs to keep at home that sort of thing? See if you can be proactive about the behaviour (with possibly some sort of reward if it all goes to plan) as well as being reactive and having firm consequences.

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