Boyfriend with cannabis addiction & 3 month old baby

[nikkip91]

Hi!

So me and my partner have been with each other almost 2 years now. I gave birth to our baby girl in February who we both absolutely adore.

My little partner is amazing and he is a brilliant dad to our daughter. However, my boyfriend has a cannabis addiction.

When me and my boyfriend first started going out, I wasn’t aware he smoked it. But when I found out, it wasn’t a huge deal because I know there is a lot worse he could be doing. Also... I didn’t know the ins and outs of how much he did it. As time went on I realised he does it pretty much everyday. We spoke about it and he agreed it was too much and he needs to cut down.

Just make my feelings clear, I am not a drug user and never have been. And I really hate cannibbis for a few reasons. We have argued and argued about this constantly as our opinions about it are very different. But he has admitted he has an addiction and knows he needs to cut down/eventually stop as we have a baby on the way.

So fast forward recently (we are now living on together)..... coming towards the end of my pregnancy, he was going out every single night. Again, more arguments came about. I was told he was just “cramming it all in” before the baby arrives.

Now that the baby is here, it’s still ongoing. The only difference now is that it’s not all night, it’s only for a hour or half an hour. But I still feel this a bit excessive to see your friends and to also smoke whilst you have a baby at home? I’m on maternity leave right now and he is working mon - fri.

A lot of people ask me what I do, I have a very fullfiled life and I am hoping to go to the gym as of tomorrow! We have argued so much since our baby has been born about the amount of time he goes out and sees his friends. He thinks I am controlling and trying to dictate when he does and doesn’t go out which i feel is really untrue. I know he will need his space and time with his friends, and I am not trying to take that away from him at all.

He has told me he knows this can’t just be stopped over night and I know I need to remember he has an addiction which I am wanting to support him with. But sometimes I find things really difficult :(

Any advice would be appreciated and I can give you more information if I haven’t covered anything

Xxx

Bin him off. You and your baby will never be more important than weed.

You had a baby with a druggie. You chose to have a CHILD with a drug user. You deserve zero sympathy.

Don't throw good time after bad

They all promise to stop after baby comes. They never do.

This is your life now. Accept you are parenting with a loser or go off and leave him to it.

I think you do deserve sympathy though. You are not the first and won't be the last to let hope triumph over common sense

What you do now though defines your own parenting I am afraid.

Just to put this out there, this pregnancy was unplanned. So I didn't choose to get pregnant. I couldn't face going through with an abortion.

I am glad you kept your baby Nikki if that is what you wanted. But that really does not justify not ditching the druggie loser.

@anyfucker is so right

He is not a good father and if you stay with him you are NOT a good mother. Choose wisely. Social services (whom I work for) would NOT be impressed.

I'm not wanting to argue, but you cannot justify calling me a bad Mum. You don't know me or my partner. I came in here for advice, not to get told by someone who doesn't know anything about me tell me I am a bad Mum.

I am currently back in my mums house at the moment because of this. So I have taken our daughter out of the situation. Am I a bad mother now?

Dump him and make it clear that he won't be having any unsupervised access until he can consistently prove he is clean and sober. That's the best thing for your child and your child should come absolutely head and shoulders first. Kicking him out might kick his butt in to gear, get his life together and become a good father. Or he might just eventually vanish. Either way your child will be better off than having a useless druggy father

Boatass you're a bit intense eh? Why would you tell OP she is not a good mother and that she deserves no sympathy yet you say you work for social services, people like you are the reason people are afraid to reach out to ss for help, your attitude disturbs me.

Thank you!

You are if you stay there and ditch the dickhead

You aren’t!

Wow I thought this was a place where people could come and reach out for help. Not get abuse from other so called mums who are wanting to help others.

My daughters well being is at my very best interest which is why I am no longer living with my partner. We did separate but are trying to get through things.

The people on here who have given me abuse and branding me as a bad Mum are far from true. You don't know me to make that judgement.

Nobody on here can call you a bad mother, and you are absolutely not a bad mother for removing your baby from a drug addict and asking for advice!

As hard as it might be if you love this man and in other ways he presents as a good father, it might be time to make an ultimatum. Either he gives up cannabis for good and pulls his weight, or that's the end of your relationship and you can start the process of child maintenance and arranged visits (supervised if he won't give up drugs).

Putting the smoking aside, there does seem to be an attitude of refusing to grow and adjust to being a parent. Having a baby does change your life and it doesn't seem like he understands this or wants to change his life from hanging out with friends and indulging in activities that aren't suitable to being a supportive, involved parent and partner. He might be a good dad in some respects but he has to grow up and commit to working with you as united parents raising a child. Your home is now a family home, it's not a couples home or a single person's home, there is a difference. Being parents is a long term commitment. You need to think about what you and your baby need and if he can't get on board with that than you might have to explore your options. In some countries it is legal to smoke marijuana and so there are probably parents who legally smoke it without a problem. But being illegal introduces problems. Imagine what could happen to you and your baby if your house was raided. If you and your boyfriend were charged with possession of illegal drugs. You not being a drug user won't help. You are living in the house with drugs in it. Please think carefully about how his lifestyle affects you and the baby.

Cross post. Well done for leaving your partner. What you're going through is hard and I hope you get loads of support

Well this has been the ongoing argument and I said to him he needs to grow up and make some adjustments, but at the same time I know it will be difficult for him which people need to realise.

I am fully on board with my daughter is the main priority, which is why I have moved out.

When I was pregnant this was brought up with the midwife who then done a referral. I made the choice to bring this up to cover my own back.

He does really need to grow up and he knows he can't keep going on with this. Being at my mums was the best choice I made to be honest because we are no longer around it.

He has an illness in an addiction.
He has had 9+ months to sort it out he hasn't.
I had something similar with dh and cocaine and I simply ended it told him my kids came first and threw him out.

6 weeks later he came back clean had binned all his druggie mates and said it was me and the kids he wanted.

That was 4 years ago and he hasn't touched it since. If he does he knows it's over for good.

While you are still with him you are enabling his behaviour. Tell him sorry your dc come first and leave him.

IF he comes back clean you no he wants you. If he doesn't then I'm sorry but better now for your dc sake.
Good luck

Is he willing to go to rehab? Attend NA meetings?

I don't usually post but after seeing boatass' post, I felt the need to comment to offer some reassurance.

I'm a social worker and I certainly wouldn't think you were a bad mother for being in a relationship with a man that uses cannabis. I would be looking at how you act protectively to ensure this does not impact upon your daughter i.e ensuring that he does not smoke cannabis in the family home, around you daughter, does not care for her when he's been smoking it etc.

I would praise you for being aware of this being a problem and trying to do something to resolve it.

I agree that an ultimatum might be useful here. This could be to get support (from a substance misuse service) and show a significant committment to this, and to reduce his cannabis use as a result.

I think you really need to consider the life that you want for your daughter and yourself, as if he does not seek support, this is likely to become more problematic and concerning as your daughter gets older and becomes more aware. It might then become more difficult for you to demonstrate how you are acting protectively and in your daughter's best interests if you were to stay with him.

Please don't be afraid to reach out for support, whether it's to friends, family or services.

Thank you.

As I didn't mention a lot in my initial post, because it would have been way too long.

But thank you for support and guidance.

He doesn't smoke it in the family home and hasn't since I have lived there which has been about a year and a half. When he has smoked, he gets a shower and gets changed and I'm always there when he's around. He doesn't keep the drug in the family home and does grow or sell it.

But I agree with a few people I think an ultimatum is going to be the next step.

Thanks again

Op, I had a baby with a cannabis user. I heard all of the promises. We are now not together. He never ever quit, he is now still using cannabis and now comes out with 'it is a natural plant blah blah blah'
The withdrawals of cannabis ate horrible, moody and aggressive! He was vile! We went through some money problems, he used to buy cannabis instead of electric then asked his m for money!
Honestly, I would stay at your Mums until he quits and has quit for a certain amount of time! I used to get called controlling! No! You are choosing a life for you and your baby away from drugs! That is totally ok! Its his choice to have cannabis in his life, or he could have his baby and you - thats his choice!

*doesn't grow or sell it...

Is he not really paranoid?!

He's actually not paranoid or seem brain dead etc. He is really normal but when he smokes he is very quiet and stuff.

I have suggested him going to see a GP and told him I would be there to support him. But unfortunately I know this has to come from him, he needs to make that step but he knows that I'm here for him.

Me and my daughter are doing really well being back at my mums and I am not going to be moving back unless he is clean and sober. For the sake of our relationship but our daughter as well.