Ex involved in every conversation with the child

[Summerjoy]

I have been reading these threads for a while and this is the first time I have posted myself. Be kind with me!

My partner of several years has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is an intelligent 7 year old and very capable of holding a conversation by herself. The mother moved hours away with his daughter and we maintain contact every other weekend and school holidays (not at all easy with the distance!) The ex does not make life easy. When we have her, we try to set up a secure and safe environment. The ex has a new baby and partner and although she should be ‘moved on’, she seems to enjoy winding my ex up at every available opportunity.

I have introduced my partner and his daughter to FaceTime. His daughter has started to get angry that she can’t see her dad more and I think she is all kinds of confused about the situation and will often cry and scream when she leaves him. Although we have tried to discuss this with her mother as we are worried about her mental health in the future, she is not having any of it. I find it quite distressing watching my step daughter react in such a way. By the time we have completed the travel to collect her, he has 2 full days a month apart from holidays. It is late on Friday when she gets here and she leaves early on Sunday to get home.

Anyways, normally the ex is putting her baby to bed and leaves my partner to have calls. They read books together, tell jokes, she shows him dances etc. For the past few months, the ex is involved in every video call. She sits in and will not go. We have explained that he likes time just him and her as his contact is so little, he has subtly hinted but still she sits in and gets involved. It is highly irritating and has gone on so long now that I am getting annoyed. I think it confuses my stepdaughter as she has started saying that maybe they could get back together. I know I must sound like the jealous ex but I don’t understand why she has to always be involved. We are trying to move on with our lives and I recently found out I am in the early days of pregnancy- I feel like the lines are getting blurred and I am not sure why she even has to be there...we know that our step daughter isn’t too keen on her partner and I don’t know if that has anything to do with it?

ADVICE PLEASE. Say something or leave it as I am being paranoid?

The mother sitting in on private phone / video calls is a form of control and parental alienation.

My OH’s EW used to hold the phone and listen / monitor all calls. It’s a form of control on their part. Kids are entitled to privacy.

When they were in court (mum had seriously breached the contact order) and listening / monitoring the phone calls was brought up. A judge told her that the children are entitled to private phone calls with the father and she should stop. In this particular case it’s just one example of the alienation.

Does your OH have a contact order? Might be worth a formal letter to her asking her to stop. The child / dad is entitled to privacy. Sounds like the mum is feeling insecure.

Thanks for the response! I found that so interesting because my first thought has been, what is she hiding? What doesn’t she want her to say? But you are right, by being there she is intruding and I feel that it does alienate him as he can’t interact with his daughter fully. It always turns into her taking over, arguing with her daughter to get her into bed etc

He doesn’t have a contact order as we have always tried to keep things amicable. I feel like everything is a total competition. I think you are right about the insecurity, she has made a mistake by taking her daughter so far from her dad and her family. Thanks for the response.