Why the fuck did I do this? I knew I'd regret it

[imsconequeen]

Have a 20 month ds. I could count on one hand how many hours I've enjoyed with him
Every day I get so angry with myself for becoming a mum when I knew I didn't want kids (not planned)

I'm not sure if he's particularly difficult or I'm a shit mum (more likely) but I dread the time I spend with him and regularly observe other mums and toddlers in the park/at soft play/play groups looking relaxed and like they really sore on their kids.

Why don't I feel any of this?

It's got more bearable.....absolutely hated the first year now just don't like it and wish there was a way out

Do you get much help/ any time away- you could just literally be exhausted. Tiredness is a form of torture and can cloud everything

Honestly OP parenting under 2s is a bit rubbish. They don’t really keep you occupied, dont sleep etc. I really started enjoying mine about 2.5 when they started being able to hold proper conversations etc . Don’t be too hard on yourself x

What help do you have? What involvement does your ds have from other adults in his life? I'm concerned for you both. Primarily though, I'm going you're going to say that ds has a loving dad and grandparents or other adults so that there is someone who wants him around.
Are you able to be affectionate towards him? Do you love him? If you genuinely imagine life without him, do you feel sad or relieved?

I think you need support to work through your emotions and work out if this feeling is likely to be forever because your little boy deserves to be with someone who loves and adores him. Or is this some sort of pnd or something that can be worked through?

You're in a tough position OP

Op, you've just written my life!

I absolutely despised the first year of being a mum. Even considered adoption.

I'm 14 months in and I still struggle. I do the same as you and watch parents doting on their kids and wonder what I'm doing wrong.

I spend my days counting down the hours until 7:30 (bedtime).

I think you will find more people feel this way than you realise.
I felt like this at toddler groups but when I actually got talking to other parents many felt the same!
I think I cried every day till my eldest was about 4!

I was exactly the same (also very much a shock when I found out I was pregnant) and it wasn’t until my DC was nine months old that I was diagnosed with PND. I also had serious talks about adoption and actually just leaving as I couldn’t cope. Tiredness doesn’t help at all in this situation and the advice to “get out to baby clubs” eas just shit - I didn’t want to spend time with my baby, let alone someone else’s who was clearly doing a stand-up job. I just wanted my old life back.

My GP was fab. Family also great and I got there. However I still mourn for my life before and probably always will.

Good luck with finding your way through this. It’s hard, but the best advice my SIL gave me was - parenting is just blagging. As long as they’re fed, watered and looked after they will be happy. That helped!

Do you work OP? Get any time away from him? Is his dad present?