Huge gap between children and struggling

[Lia73]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but just wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar experience.

I have a beautiful 7 week old son and am struggling with the lack of sleep but more than that, I've found I've gotten so down about the decision to have another baby after 23 years.

I've been with my partner for 12 years since I was 33 and my dd was 11. He always wanted a baby but I didn't really want to go back and do it again. After 5 years together. at 38 I decided I would give it a go. I loved my dd so much and thought it was only fair do should experience that too and although I was worried how the family dynamics would change, I Started focussing just on the positives. Nothing happened for 4 years, despite me going to the doctors but one finally sent me for fertility checks and I had fibroids and polyps removed a year later at 43. Still never got pregnant so just thought that was it. Then last year at 44.5 wow I discovered I was pregnant, gAve birth 3 months after turning 45. As soon as I discovered I was pregnant though, instead of being happy I was gutted. Just thought what have I done - I was too old, I was crazy to do this after dd had grown up and I had finally got a decent job and everything was so easy. When my baby boy was born I loved him instantly but I'm struggling readjusting to motherhood. Dp is self employed and not really making any money and as much as he adores the baby, the demands of parenthood have come as a big shock to him. I feel I've let everyone down - the baby because of my age and because I'm so unhappy doing it all again and it's not his fault, bless him. Myself for convincing myself this was what I wanted so not to let dp down. My daughter because I'll have less time to do the things we were going to go together now And because it must be so wierd having a sibling that's young enough to be her child. My partner because I can't help crying all the time. I feel like such an idiot and such a horrible, ungrateful person. I don't even know if I'm coming across as just a stupid, horrible person but I want to cry all the time. It doesn't help when people tell me they'd hate to do it all over again. Has anyone been in this position and its all worked out?

I know 3 whoopsie babies (that are all adults now) that came 15-24 years after their siblings. All 3 are amazingly close to their older sisters and really seem to have benefited from having mature parents and cool older siblings to hang around with and advise them.

Thanks for that. Also my daughter told me she's really happy having a new little bro - not sure how she'll feel when she moves back home! I think it's just hormones and seeing most ppl my age are becoming grandparents and enjoying their freedom. I really did think this was what I wanted and am so lucky with this little fella - just didn't realise how different id feel when it became real. I know it gets easier and if I wasn't in this position now I Would probably have been unhappy - but just less tired lol.

Lia...Can understand the ambivalent feelings...I feel so blessed to have dc3 at 44. My eldest is just turning 12 and dc2 starts school in September so not such a big gap but all of my current friends have older children and are able to do things I can't with a baby plus enjoying a bit more freedom as you mention. I know I feel happier with her than without her especially as she is my rainbow child after a late loss...but the sleepless nights are punishing. The thing is, they are with us now and we have to look forward and try to be positive however overwhelming things may seem...and yes it does get easier But, I can totally relate to how you're feeling...and often need to remind myself of the above. It would have been lovely to have had my children a bit younger but like you, I experienced a period of infertility and was resigned to only having one child. As for the age gap thing - it will obviously become less noticeable as your ds grows. As hard as it currently is, you have enabled your partner to experience fatherhood and your daughter to experience having a sibling whilst also growing up as an only child (pros and cons for both)...you are all part of a larger family now and that can be lovely too. Perhaps look at a couple of things to maintain your identity...for me it is grabbing time to write and walk...choose a couple of things and try to make them possible (I tend to grab small bits of time)...these things make me feel more human x

Oh...and congratulations!!!

I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now. Please keep an eye on how you’re feeling just in case your feelings develop into PND. I’ve struggled in the early days with both of my children due to lack of sleep and the shock of the all encompassing newborn stage, I hope things start improving soon.

As for the age gap, my mum (aged 46) had her 3rd child when my sister was 19 and I was 16. We utterly adore him! It was hard for my sister at first because our brother arrived just before she left home for university, but there hasn’t been a moment when either of us would choose more time with our mum over him. He’s now a 16yr old and talks to us both like we’re aunts, he opens up to us and we give him advice about girls and things. Please don’t worry about being an older mum or the age gap, from my experience it is so possible to have a completely happy family life and lots of fun!

Thank you for that 😊. You are right. I think not thinking too much about what the situation is and just enjoying what I have is the way forward. Instead of getting worked up and overwhelmed. Having done it before, I know the time goes really quickly and the freedom comes eventually. Even though I want my own identity, what's made me happiest over the years is my daughter so I'm doubly blessed now. Just have to get used to new routines and when this little one grows up, I can be lazy again. 60 is the new 40!

Also, 7 weeks is pretty grim. Actually, the first year is pretty grim. It's been so long you probably don't remember that so much and it's a shock.

But around 12 months things do get better and at 18 months they start to really become hilarious little humans.

Keep an eye for PND and treat it sooner rather than later if you suspect it at all. And the only way your partner is going to get used to parenthood is by doing the shit parts as well as the cuddly parts, so make him - it will give him confidence if he gets through the crap.

Ah your post has made me feel a lot better. My daughter says she's really happy to have a sibling and for the gap. She's on the other side of the world at the moment so I'm not sure how she'll feel when she moves home 😀. I hope that she has a similar relationship as you and your sister do with your little brother when he grows up.

One of my closest friends has an 10 year old younger sibling.

Her children and her sibling are at primary school together and it’s lovely. I envy the relationship and wish I had that. Her sibling helps her with her own children and they are so close.

I think it’s lovely x

My replies are going in the wrong order but I just want to thank everyone for their replies. They have really helped. I still feel overwhelmed and a bit tearful at times but I know it will pass and I'm grateful for all the comments here which really have helped x