Tips to make our DC more resilient

[SakuraBlossom]

I watched the program about the Doctor Who Gave Up Drugs last night. It was the episode about children on ADs. It got me thinking that I need to do more to help my DC become more resilient for the future.

I know it is a big ask, but what small things can we do to make our DC more resilient?

I'm going to watch it now, so apologies if already covered, but google growth mindset.

I will watch it but I would have thought starting off on little things like not always letting them win at games, not giving them everything they want immediately, helping them to tackle things that seem to hard and to learn that through perseverance they will get there eventually, setting aside time to talk to them properly every day??

Also we can be aware that as parents there is only so much we CAN do. And that it is possible to have MH issues, even to be on meds, and still be incredibly resilient. Resilience isn't something we teach so that our children will be spared suffering. Am on train home after seeing 21yo dd who is on ADs and waiting for a diagnosis - possibly bipolar and PTSD. Those weren't things I could save her from by teaching resilience. But maybe the resilience I have taught - or which has come from a place within herself-has helped her to keep going and to fight for thehelp she needs. She also has a physical disorder which causes a lot of pain & makes her bruise: she showed me a selfie if her legs black and blue from the ordinary exercises she does in training. That is resilience. It's no difference from the courage she shows when she has a panic attack on the tube and manages to pull herself together and make it home after an hour of shaking in the station.

Don’t helicopter parent, let them fail sometimes (eg mess up exams due to too little work), don’t jump in to ‘sort out’ school
stuff, if they don’t like a teacher, say ‘it’s tough I’m afraid’ (don’t go in demanding a replacement). Support them with advice for them to work things out themselves. If they can learn it as they go along as a child/teen, by the time they get to adulthood they should have confidence in their own ability to manage the problem without it feeling like the end of the world.

I've never been a helicopter parent, I did a MN quiz a while ago about what animal parent I am, apparently I'm an eagle parent. I watch from a distance. I think that makes our children more resilient.

Thanks for the points above.

I also find that school's don't help matters. We had an incident a while ago where my DS1's sports team got to a national final. We are a small school so this achievement is huge. They got there on sheer guts and determination. Afterwards the school didn't want to acknowledge them in an assembly or put it in the bulletin for fear of upsetting the others who didn't go. This is just one example of the many ways our school goes to great lengths to make sure everyone is included in everything and doesn't feel bad. Unfortunately their good intentions are misguided.

I've always told my DC that it is better to be very good at one or two things rather than average at everything. They work really hard on a couple of hobbies and sports and are great at them. When someone else is good at something or wins an award they are happy for them because they know that they will have their turn to shine. I think this is really important.

Be loving and supportive but give them lots of spave to make and learn from mistakes. let them out doors on their own from a youngish age. Give them language be able to express their emotions ie not just angry use appropriately irritated, annoyed, frustrated, upset, hurt, disappointed. When they are calm talk about things that help you feel better. I'm bipolar so have had to learn to be very resilient. the best lesson my mum gave me was to never give a fuck what other people thought about me. And only my friends actually mattered. The ones that treated me badly or change the way they thought to me once they knew I was ill were not friends and therefore not worth being upset by.

Also she taught be how to relax, to not rely on meds and that looking after what I ate and drank and exercise would be far more beneficial that any medication.

Otoh I think you are right that school should acknowledge special efforts. Otoh. as a parent I don't think there is anything that has fostered resilience so much in my eldest as struggling on with her work without much acknowledgement of her talent & commitment. Particularly evident now she is training for a v competitive industry: the ones who have had every effort celebrated & publicly acknowledged really struggle, because they've never had to develop that resilience.
Also not sure about the wisdom of telling them it's better to be outstanding in 2 or 2 things. Most ppl, however talented, need to get into HE to do well & that requires good performance overall. Most bosses want to see staff who work equally hard at jobs they're not interested in, & maybe aren't particularly good at.

Sorry if I wasn't clear about being good at one or 2 things. I was referring to sports and hobbies, not school work. In fact I think it is really important to work extra hard at subjects you are not naturally good at. I don't feel that way about hobbies though. I think you should stick with things you love and it shouldn't be a chore.

Agree about the hobbies. But still think resilience is about being able to do your utmost without public recognition. Insisting that everything gets acknowledged is imho one of the ways in which parents get in the way of development of resilience. As a university tutor I see this from time to time : students who find it difficult to work without a diet of praise.

I am not saying DC should be praised for everything, but not praising them for anything is equally as damaging IMO.

Surely they get praised for something, by the teacher for doing something nicely in class, by you for their sporting achievement? It's not that they go through life with nobody ever saying a nice word to them, is it?

You did start the thread not to ask for sympathy re the school bulleting but specifically to say how can we build resilience in our children.

And if we are talking about resilience, then imho I think it needs to start with us as parents. I think they need to see that we are pleased and happy for them, but that we don't get upset if they don't get much outside recognition, because that is what life is like and resilience is about hanging in there and doing your utmost whatever.

I went to the opposite type of school, where sporting achievements were celebrated endlessly and there was no mechanism for celebrating academic achievement. As an exclusively academic type, I don't think that has held me back in life; I think it made me more willing to work hard simply for the satisfaction of a job well done. And cope far better with the setbacks of my career.

I read this post with interest....

I have a SD - she’s 13, a bit immature and cry’s at the slightest thing.

For example - yesterday we were in a supermarket and she wanted to push the trolley. She was asked (by her dad) to speed up as there were people stuck behind her getting frustrated and the tears were turned on.

She wanted chips in the pub the other night (after only eating half her dinner). I said no, as my OH has told her that if she didn’t finish dinner there wouldn’t be anything else. Sometimes I feel it’s like being with a toddler who doesn’t get their own way. She’s a really well behaved kid but can’t control her emotions. How do we help?

How do we get kids to be more resilient? There’s nothing wrong (we’ve checked) but she just isn’t toughening up (and I worry as she’ll be 14 soon).

Nurturing environment where they are allowed to make mistakes. And they also need to have their own responsibilities. Responsibilities bring self confidence.

Enrolling them at a sports club where there are different ages and stages work out together and where they can see everyone trying their best yet failing sometimes and that being a perfectly acceptable situation. A martial art class comes to mind where sometimes an older child starts later and hence is less skilled than a much younger one and that's perfectly allright. Then step by step via perseverance they get better at it. If it's a well run class with sensible instructors they will learn to fail with grace and rise above that and get better in a friendly atmosphere with support. They see others also failing in the most visual way and picking up the pieces and rising above it. In such classes there would be good role models as young instructors, that also helps.

I think it should be an individual sport rather than a team sport for the most benefit. They can take it at their own pace.

Being part of guides and scouts and being out and about on residential trips with them where they achieve independence away from the parents. It does wonders for the confidence and increases resilience.
Whatever your child is interested in or talented for, you could support it by letting them pursue it outside school as extra curricular activity.