Help! DD being very cheeky to older relatives

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

DD1 is 3y5m and very verbally confident. She is no angel but generally a nice kid - nursery staff say positive things, she is popular with her peers, really great with younger siblings and demonstrative to DMIL and DFIL, DH and me.

Only, not my mum. My mum is kind to her, engages and buys presents etc. Often DD1 is perfectly polite but also there is a general undercurrent of wariness and sometimes she is outright rude.

An example would be tonight. My mum had come.over to help bathe the babies. She was sitting in an armchair giving baby DD2 her bottle. DD1 came in, clocked Mum in the chair and shouted "Oi, I was sitting there! You can't sit there!"

She was instantly told off and made to apologise but I want to stop stuff like this happening at all. Generally she understands about being polite to grown ups/ visitors but it just all goes out the window with my mum.

Help?!

I think there needs to be more of a consequence than just being told off. I would put my ds on the naughty seat for that.

Have you tried asking her why she is wary of your mum? It might stem from a misunderstanding or something minor like your mum telling her off, and you might be able to explain and clear it up for her.

The example you give sounds like it's something an adult said, dad?

I also wonder if she feels a bit displaced by her baby sister.

Definitely not something she has heard from dH or me, or grandparents. I suspect older kids at her preschool?

I agree I need to talk to her but not sure how to broach it. I don't want to introducd ideas like are you scared of x or don't you like x. I normally talk to her before Mum arrives on a night, emphasising kind words and she is always actively praised for being polite. She is given chances to "help" Mum so she feels involved.

If anything I think she is jealous of Mum getting time with DD2 when DD1 always wants to be with her sister.

Not acceptable - you’re the parent, set the boundaries before the problem becomes worse.

I know it is not okay, I'm looking for advice on how to set the boundaries.

She is a smart girl and normally after she has been told off for something once or twice she stops doing it. Not sure how to initiate discussion on this.....

Naughty step as soon as she does it. Afterwards she apologies to whoever she spoke to like that. If she cries about it don't comfort her, just leave her.