How do I deal with this ?

[DizzyBeeme]

Hello I am hoping for some advice. My eldest daughter who is 9 is horrid to her younger sister - she is 7. She calls her a weirdo, shouts at her, will rarely play with her and is just horrid. I heard her shouting at her at bedtime so went up to tell her off - my younger daughter was sobbing her heart out. I told my eldest that she was a bully and I would not tolerate this behaviour. I took her laptop off her and came downstairs. My younger daughter then came down saying madam has the house phone and is trying to ring childline or the police. I went up and told her to give me the phone and tried to make her see that she really upsets her younger sister. She told me to leave the room. She said I'm not apologising you need to apologise to me !! Im worried her rude behavious and general back chat will get worse..how do I deal with her . She is very well behaved at school but it's me she seems to have the problem with - she has told me a few times I'm a terrible mother 😞..and has a general attitude..she added back and is always pushing boundaries...any suggestions x

Why did your eldest have a laptop at bedtime? Your answer might be there. What's she watching and how much time is she online?

Oh god this sounds like my younger sister she's 8. Turns out she was watching things she shouldn't of been on the tablet ie googling slender man etc, getting worked up and then taking it out on the younger ones she now isn't allowed to take electronics to bed. I think she can have the tv on until 8 then it's off and that's it. Mums also seen an improvement in her behaviour at home as shes no longer sleep deprived from staying up so late googling nonsense and watching rubbish. Maybe try that? X

She is not normally allowed on her laptop at bedtime - but because it's the holidays I've been a bit more relaxed. She watches programmes about making slime or baking and is really into gymnastics so watches a lot of gym/dancy stuff. She does watch a lot of the Disney channel on tv - most of the programmes are American teenagers screaming at each other (or may be that s my view). I'm quite worried as she has really kicked off a few times and I feel if I don't deal with it now things will get worse. She s setting a bad example to her younger siblings and I'm not sure how to deal with her. In past I've shouted and screamed at her because she would.me up so.much but she said I have anger issues and she doesn't feel safe around me !! So I changed my approach - when she kicks off I calmly tell her to go to her room and try and focus on the other kids till I decide what step to take next. Most of the time she's forgotten all about it the next day - but with 4 young children - she has the ability to send my stress levels through the roof.

She sounds like she feels dominant and in charge of your relationship and wants the competition ie siblings out of the picture. Does she have boundaries from you?

Yes perhaps you are right. I have bipolar and have had my ups and downs. I also separated from my husband for over a year...but he moved back last year and I have really turned a corner with my illness and my marriage..i am trying really hard. I do have boundaries..they have a set bed time..i try and get them to do chores..although she starts whining and will refuse ..what other boundaries should I set x

I think she could benefit with some 1 to 1 time with you. Do something she enjoys with her and maybe get a dialogue going. There may be something on her mind worrying her which she is then taking out on her sister.

Agree with Katy - it sounds like she's struggling and needs more 1:1 time with you. It's hard being the eldest and losing your mums full attention then add to that your health problems and marriage instability it's really no wonder she's acting out. She needs more positive attention from you.

Speak to your doctor OP they will refer her to a counsellor to try and work out why she is the way she is.

My DD who is 10 has a temper at school and have had to go to the doctors for a referal to get someone to talk to her to find out why she acts out the way she does.

Thank you so much for your suggestions - I am planning a shopping trip with her this week and will see if she opens up. I will also look into getting a referral.