Paranoid Parenting

[squidette]

Earlier this week i was in the Library and i took out 'Paranoid Parenting' by Frank Furedi. I have nearly finished it and i can honestly say that it has been like a breath of fresh air.

No more webcams in schools, risk assesments for a trip to the shops, homing devices, one way mirrors at nurseries, expert advice on how to parent 'correctly' without forever emotionally damaging young children by not letting them take a risk and learning from a mistake. He advocates bringing back challenges, adventures, disappointments. We dont have to make it all 'ok' for our children.

He highlights the areas that i have felt concern about personally since becoming a mother - that of adult identity only being one of a parent and for me that was my self-facilitated loss of 'me' for a few years and of a strongly-held and only recently disputed belief that i had permanently damaged by children emotionally by divorce and all that went with that.

For anyone that already thinks that parental anxiety is common-place (i do think that many of the threads here are evidence of this) and wants to break-freeeeee and delight in parenting rather than fearing the worst for saftey, health, education, social life, respect and discipline and and and... then i highly recommend this book.

look for the benign parenting thread

looked and found and about to read - thanks Twiglett

After reading, i am thinking that the answer to paranoid parenting (if there is one!) is not benign neglect but rather adopting a philosophy of self-confidence and whats 'right for you'?

As with any anxiety or paranoia, its usually not the actual event or circumstance that needs changing (after all, swings in playgrounds have been around for many many years) but how we think about that event or circumstance.

Sq, it's what I think I'e always been lucky to have since I was a mother at 22. I can't explain why I have it and the lack of most guilt. Is it because of the way my mother brought us up? Is it just luck or genes?

Someone was interviewing me in a series of profiles of successful (supposedly) women with lots of children who work full time and she said one thing she'd found from most of them was that all they felt they had to do was a good enough job at work and a good enough job at home and they were happy with just doing their best, a compromise and not after some kind of parenting or work perfection and all the women like that she'd interviewed had had the same view.

An important point - that its 'enough'.

This is something that interests me in more than just parenting too - the concept of 'enough' - as in money, material possesions, space in house, number of shoes.

I think the anxiety creeps in when i think that other people will think its not enough, that i should be doing something i am not, or not doing something i should be. The road of paranoid parenting.

There is a very fine line between an observation and a judgement. Guilt is just that - taking a behaviour and making that one behaviour the defining characteristic of 'self'. GUilt is not a rational or helpful emotion - Xenia, whatever the reason is that you dont feel it, its a good thing. Remorse is a healthy negative emotion that facilitates change and reflection, Guilt is an unhealhty negative emotion that keeps people stuck and unable to make change.

Some guilt may be necessary. When children are about 7 they become aware of right and wrong and guilt can be quite a helpful part of that. A lot of criminals never develop the guilt bit I think.

Some people have divided us into those who think things have to be good enough, called the awful word "satisficers" of which I think I am one and those who are never sure they have done enough, who if they're choosing something in a shop always worry they haven't bought the best there is or they could have chosen.

I'm not sure I'm always content with what I have or I presumably wouldn't have had more than one child, moved houses etc but I am mostly reasonably satisfied.

Kids are too cotton woolled these days. My daughter is going to be allowed to play with her mates in the fields, on their own. Good for you for taking a reasoned line.