SAHM feeling guilty

[emmagee]

Although I know that what I do - stay at home and look after the kids - is a 'job' I often feel really guilty that I am not at work - i.e earning money. I used to work and hardly covered the cost of the childcare required, so it's stupid really to feel like I do but just wondered if i am alone?

Emmagee, there was a discussion on this recently I think it was something like "money power and SAHMs". I've been a SAHM for 4 ish years and I don't feel guilty at all. I take the view that what I do is important and valuable and worthwhile and I think I'm (now!) good at it. So should you, but the work ethic that stays in the back of your mind telling you that if you're not paid it's not work is hard to shift at the beginning, I agree! I expect someone else can be more helpful!

EmmaGee, if you enjoy it, and can afford to do it, PLEASE don't feel guilty. What you are doing is such important and hard work and I'd give my eye teeth to be in a similar position, instead of having to work f/t to help pay the mortgage, and feeling quite miserable about my situation at times. Provided you are happy and not getting pressure from other sources that is compounding your guilt, enjoy! Especially on a sunny day like today.

I feel quite guilty for giving my children over to strangers so I can work 2 days/week. Maybe guilt is just a motherhood thing!

Yep, I think guilt definitely comes with being a mother. Unfortunately in this society there is always someone who will willingly tell you that you are doing the wrong thing, whether it be breastfeeding or working! I'm a SAHM and although it does drive me crazy, I know that if I could work for a decent salary, I wouldn't do as I know that it would not be the best thing to do for my dd. However once she is 2 I do intend to put her in a creche for a couple of mornings a week to let her get used to being independant, so that when she is 3 I can perhaps get a subsidised nursery place for her and work p/t.

You know, I used to be a home carer and I got paid quite a decent wage for getting people up, washing and bathing them, feeding them, helping them to the toilet and so on. Now I do all that and more, and all the state gives us is child benefit and WFTC - it seems ridiculous sometimes!

But don't feel guilty about it Emmagee, it IS hard work. Just think of the rewards you are giving your children by staying at home with them, as Marina says, some mothers would love to be at home with theirs. I guess we should be thankful that we have the choice and we know that our children really do appreciate it!

emmagee, I just want to say that I agree with everyone here. I'm a SAHM and I don't feel guilty, in fact I feel b**y lucky to be able to do so. I've never worked harder in my life; in fact, if someone asks if I work I say, yes, I'm a full-time mother! I hope to finish my degree at some point but at the moment dd takes up all my time, and tbh I don't want it any other way. So please don't feel guilty.

I agree with all the others. I wanted to have a child and be able to bring it up myself. I am in the lucky position where I don't have to work, as I sponge off dh However, I do feel guilty at times that I am not contributing to the family coffers, just spending them!

The way I look at it in sane times is that I am working harder now than I ever did in an office. I get no holidays, no salary and no sick leave allowance. I think that my dh thinks that I have an easy life, but he will soon be disabused of this when I have a well earned weekend break with my sister in a couple of months.

The point that I am making (badly) is that you should be proud of the job that you do. Enjoy the time with your child, as it will be all too brief before you pack him/her off to school - sob!

I sometimes wonder if I am odd because I absolutely do not feel guilty about being a SAHM -maybe it's something to do with living in a rural community where few mothers actually do go out to work - I was at a BBQ this weekend and met someone from Sweden who asked me no less than three times when I planned to go back to work - she couldn't quite grasp that, unless serious financial problems arose, I DO NOT plan to go back to work at all, I will be in my early 50s by the time DS gets to secondary school - & I feel I have done my bit!! I have said this many times on Mumsnet but I do acknowledge that I am VERY lucky to have a DH who earns enough to keep me very comfortable but I also feel that I make a VERY valuable contribution to society, not just bringing up our son, but doing loads of voluntary work - quite honestly what would happen if there weren't all these SAHMs/retired folk etc to do meals on wheels, hospital runs, toddler groups, youth clubs etc etc.

I think it is very sad that we live in a society that seems to judge people on their 'paid work' - I try very hard to make sure I don't do the same.

Lindy and Chinchilla, I so agree with you.

I always thought that the point of feminism was to give women choices, not to make them feel guilty about whether they work or not.

Well said Lindy. Same here, I'm in the country and mums who work seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

Emmagee, please don't feel guilty, I so wish people would recognise that staying at home is a full-time job and bloody hard work! I also consider myself lucky enough to be a SAHM especially as I have one friend in particular who is so distraught to have to work part-time and would much rather be at home, listening to her made me feel extremely lucky to have the choice to stay at home.
I went out last night with an old friend who I hadn't seen for quite a while. He is one of my best friends but I nearly killed him when he said 'so do you enjoy being a lady of leisure' (the second person now who has used that phrase). Luckily we are such good friends that he completely understood when I shrieked that I'm not a lady of leisure and actually work bloody hard, starting at 6am (sometimes 5am) and finishing at 8pm but being 'on-call' for the rest of the night too! I know exactly how you feel but I keep telling myself that I'm doing a job too and although I don't get paid it is still so worthwhile.

Emmagee - do you feel guilty just because of not earning money? I gave up work 4 years ago before the birth of our first child and at first it felt strange not earning. But I am also lucky to have a partner who earns enough for me not to work, and although he occasionally jokes about being a walking wallet to wind me up, it doesn't bother me at all. I feel that I am giving my children the best possible start in life by looking after them myself. But when they're both at school I will want to work again as I would get bored very quickly. So don't feel guilty, you're doing a really valuable job!

I'm a SAHM and only feel guilty when the sun shines and poor dh has to go to work.
For the other 9 months of miserable weather we have, I feel like its one of the hardest(but heavenly) jobs I've ever done and remind dh of this most evenings as he walks through the door. (Can't do a smiley face but there should be one here!)
By the way, we are ALWAYS skint but happy with our choice.

Fionn, I loved your comment about being a walking wallet - when my first babe was born I gave himself a Mulberry Wallet and said it was because he was the money man now! I don't know what it is that I feel guilty about in particular, just that all of the women with children in my family work, most of my friends with kids work at least part time. I supppose it's partly the thing about not having 'earnt' the money I am spending and also because we're really strapped at the moment and so I feel i should be helping to sort that out.........who knows, but it's certainly good to get the support from you all.

On a positive note I went to the Princess Di memorial playground today, scorching hot weather, kids having loads of fun and then wandered around Hyde Park, had a picnic and ate 3 ice-creams.......and thought 'this is the life'! But, such days are rare and to be treasured.